A Whole New World

[Dagny-2]

It has been a long time since I have been on the boards, time to move to a new location. I think I’m coming out of the moping stage of recovery, starting to stand up for myself verbally with my H (I think I have always done so with my actions, though, but speaking my mind more now). As my T said, where did being nice get you?

So 2 minute version: M22 years, S11 and S14, 7 years ago H went through a crisis of sorts, we did the C thing for about 8 months, he moved out for 5 months and then came back (EA during this time) and we were happy and moved on with our lives (so I thought). 2 years ago H took a job in a state 12 hours away. I stayed behind and made a deal with my job to stay through a transition (1 more year) and then move down and work from home. Boys and I move down 15 months after he did (he came home every other weekend and we spent all holidays/vacations together). The day after the boys started the new school he told me he didn’t want to be married to me….slowly the information about OW came out. I stayed until Thanksgiving, did my best DB efforts (he moved out 2 weeks after shocking me with the news), and the boys and I moved back. I still have my old job.

Sons are going through a difficult time, especially the 14 year old, he went from a mostly A student, to failing 5 subjects. I’ve been focusing on doing the best I can do at work and just getting by in my real life. I feel I’m starting to take some power back and become me again. I am searching for a house for the boys and me and starting to make plans to have a life for me, not just about the kids and work, but also for me.

I miss the companionship, I miss when something good (or bad) happens being able to call him, I miss my best friend. I’m scared sh*tless about being the sole-provider for me and my children. But there is a tiny part of me that is starting to get excited that I can do things for me. How I want. He has told me that it has always been “about me”, he felt neglected, I don’t see that at all and I’m tired of listening to him. I avoid phone calls with him, unless a child hands me the phone and I have no choice. He also told me that my messiness was a contributing factor to our separation. He doesn’t take any responsibility for his actions.

I have decided to go collaborative law, I am not a combative person and think it is better suited for my personality and better for the kids. We have our first 4-way meeting tomorrow. He has not paid me anything in support, in fact I pay his health care. My lawyer is going to address having him offer support to me. I am scared of how it will be sitting across a table from him discussing the dissolution of our life together. But there is a new world to discover and this is the beginning of a new journey.


Dagny

[kml]

Hey there -
Sounds a bit like my story (remember me from way back when?) DBing worked the first go round, but a few years later we ended up divorced.

I'm sorry to hear about the kids - it [censored] for them and that's the one thing I can't forgive my ex for. And I hear ya about it being scary on your own - I'm buying a house and it's kinda terrifying to be the only one on the mortgage!

Still, I can honestly say my life is SOOOOO much better now than before he left. You have a chance to find your wings.

AS for the mediation - first of all, it is absolute BS that he hasn't been paying bills up to now. You're fronting all the money for the care of his kids? Ridiculous.

A few important things to remember about mediation:
1) Have your own lawyer if you don't already - not necessarily for the mediation itself, but someone you can reality check against. I had my own lawyer (as did my ex) and then we had the lawyer who did our mediation. I would talk to my own lawyer about issues as they came up, he could tell me what was a good deal and what wasn't, and could tell me what the courts were likely to give me. And really, that's what mediation is all about - figuring out what the courts would likely do anyway, then agreeing to it without the expense of going to court.
2) Mediation is JUST BUSINESS! This is NOT the place to work out your feelings about the divorce. The calmer and cooler a head you can keep, the better off you will be.
3) Don't give away the farm. The process of divorce is so uncomfortable, there's a temptation for the less aggressive person to just say "Ok, fine!" just to get it over with. Try to think carefully and rationally about every trade-off. Read a book on win-win negotiation and negotiating techniques, it may help you to get what you want.
4) Go armed with numbers. Tomorrow you should be able to detail your monthly expenses and how much you need from him for his share. I would also write up what you have spent since you separated on the kids - he should be reimbursing you for his share of that.
5) Try to find out from your individual attorney what is a likely financial scenario - you don't want to make big financial decisions about your future, like buying a house, without a realistic picture of what your finances will likely be (as an extreme example - what if you bought a house you thought you could afford, and then ended up having to pay alimony to the ex and child support because the boys moved with him? Not very likely, just pointing out the extremes).
6) Don't short yourself on retirement - if he has a better pension or 401k, make sure it is divided equitably.

I'm sure I'll think of other things.

Ellie

[SunFunOne]

Dagny,

So sorry to hear what has happened and that you are back here in this situation. I guess the only thing is that you will get some finality now and be able to rebuild your life. I felt SO much better once the divorce was finally behind me and my expectations of him "coming around" were buried.

Ellie has given you excellent advice and there is not much I could add. I, too, went with collaberative divorce. I had a unique situation and felt, under the law, I would do better with mediation. I did get what I went after but I will admit it was not easy. Still, the cost of mediation was much less than going to court. Yes - it was emotional for me but I did my best to stick to business - why waste your time - the lawyers just make more money if you let anger and emotion rule - takes longer.

Wishing you the best tommorrow and please keep us posted.

Barb

[EverHopeful]

Dagny,

Barb and Ellie covered it. This is business so you must, must, must protect yourself He is not the person that you married so you will remember to think of your future and that of your kids.


Good luck tomorrow.

i

[ClingingToHope]

Meeting with someone to end things is just so ... bizarre and painful. It all just [censored]. He should be paying though. I've paid child support from day one even though I was kicked out. It's the right thing to do for the kids. I can't believe he isn't doing that.

[cat03]

sweets, ditto on the first post PLEASE follow that advice closely. It is ILLEGAL for him not to be paying anything, from day one that you guys left he owes you big time! asap do the math, tell him what in child support he ought to pay and tell him you'll be expecting payment soon or you'll have to file child services. This is about the welfare of you and the KIDS, he is looking for himself, you lookout for the kids and your well being, do not let pain or emotion stop you from getting CS it is YOUR right right.

Yes, keep it all business, it's hard, I know I wanted to scream when we did the mediator thing, but you have to be cool headed. DO see a lawyer before you go to mediation, you must! I didn't retain on (no money), so I just went for an initial consultation, told her my story and she advised on what what best (now I that I see, she dropped the ball on retirement, being married for 10yrs I should've gotten some of it). Anywho, you must know before hand what is entitled to you. Before you signed anything at mediation (it will take a few meetings) take the paper to the same lawyer, have her look it over before you sign.

Good luck, don't be afraid, you will do awesome, just fine, believe that you will. And what bunch of BS of him to say it was things you did that 'made' him do what he did... that's the coward's way out, to blame it on someone else... he was weak, he cure himself with someone else, it had nothing to do with you, with who you were, what you look like what you did, NOTHING, so don't let that leach pin the blame on you.

Hope all is going well, good luck!

[Dagny-2]

Thanks for all the advice. I even used some of my DB skills of long past during the meeting (will what I am about to say help me attain my goal). There were a few times I wanted to reach across the table and strangle him, but I restrained.

Collaborative Law is a bit like a cross between mediation & traditional law. Usually between 4-6 meetings everything is settled, there is an agenda and meeting minutes. And we each have our lawyer with us, so I am represented. The nice thing is that everything is on the table since we are not using the court system. My lawyer did have me file at domestic relations in case H pulled out and I would be protected. We even get homework and have to produce tons of financial documents for the next meeting.

It was draining sitting in a room for 3 hours talking about ending our M. I heard things come out of his mouth to justify his actions that are simply untrue, or exaggerated, but I felt the more he talked, the more he looked like a jerk. My L gave me two lists that had goals, one for financial and one for kids. It really helped me focus on what was important and I should probably read through them each time we step foot into the meeting. I like that everything will be settled face to face, there will be no having his L write mine a letter and then she responds, etc.

I’m finding I’m starting to make plans, or at least have day dreams, of things I want to do for me. Or places to go. I think I want to try and budget time to have a family vacation, but also time for me to do something interesting and just for me when H has the kids in the summer (assuming he is going to have them during the summer, he is being a bit cagey about that, the kids don’t want to be around OW and he isn’t willing to be apart from her—though that is my take on things).

I’m still putting work and the kids before me, I know I need to shift that balance a bit, but haven’t found the time/energy yet to do that. Did get up 15 minutes early today to take the pup for a walk – baby steps!

Dagny

[SunFunOne]

Hi Dagny,

You sound good. I'm sure you're relieved that you have part of it under your belt now. As you know, I also went with Collaberative Divorce/Mediation and frankly - I could have written every word that you wrote. No - it was not easy but it is faster, cheaper and more effective. Things get settled and everyone knows where they stand.

My ex, like yours - looked more like a jerk every time he opened his mouth - but the lawyers have heard it all and they truly know what is going on. I felt, in my heart, that justice needed to be served but trust me - you'll never get THAT satisfaction. Because it is not about who is right or who is wrong - it is just about working out the finances and what is best for the kids.

Hang in there - you're doing awesome. Glad you reported in. I know you are starting to get your head around it and seeing a future for yourself without him. You will be fine. Even better than ever.

Barb

[Golfgirl1]

Dagny,

YES!! This is a business deal and you only have one shot to get it right! Once those papers are signed, what you get is what you get. Stay strong and don't "cave" if he starts anything emotional. This has to be about you, your children, and your future. The heck with him! He made his choices, let him lie there.

Life will be better on the other side. I heard today on Oprah radio that it's the people who "take action" who heal the quickest. There is no time frame for the healing process and you need to feel every single emotion. Look for a support group, divorce class, etc...anything that will provide you with a support structure when you get weak (and you will).

My husband dropped the bomb May 2009 and it's been the hardest and the best journey I've ever been on. Feel that excitement for your new amazing life!!