Been posting off and on for several years. I have had it with my H. He is upset with me seeing a therapist for counseling. the counselor is appalled at the way H treats me. Since I grew up with an explosive father, I just thought explosive temper tantrums were what all husbands did to their wives, lol. Anyway, no more! He had a temper tantum 1 week ago, when I put up my boundaries and said, ENOUGH. Then later that night I attempted to talk to him and tell him how much his temper eruptions hurt me. I spoke in an almost monotone. his reaction: he turned his head as if he did not even hear me and left the room. This has been his reaction when I try to tell him how I feel for years. He either ignores me or twists and manipulates me into believing it is my fault and my problem. How can I stay married to someone who will absolutely not communicate with me about our relationship? Anyway, it all came to a head yesterday when I was in so much pain I spilled my guts to a friend. I have kept most of this to myself and my therapist, but I just couldn't take it anymore. Anyway, she (being twice divorced) told me to put every cent in my name, put the house in my name, cars, etc and "fight for my marriage" from a position of strength. I might as well set the house on fire from H's perspective - he loves playing with his money. He would have a stroke! Any ideas out there? I could use some advice.
I think it always a good idea to talk to someone (probably an attorney) to be sure your money is protected. It would be very beneficial to talk to one of our coaches, as they will help you come up with a plan on how to interact with him in a way that is more likely to get his attention and keep you feeling strong and on the right track. It is very difficult to navigate this type of situation and I know you would benefit greatly. Take good care of yourself.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Thank you, Karen. I am in a mess. I tried again to talk to him about one of our kids, serious stuff and he is now giving me the silent treatment. What am I supposed to do? I can't be married by myself anymore.
I guess if I am lucky I'll get the silent treatment all weekend. Oh joy.
I'm a recovering verbal abuser. Most verbal abusers don't see their spouse as a person but an extension of themselves they can control. Patricia Evans is a good source to start reading about verbal abuse. Also her website is verbalabuse.com. I didn't wake up to my abusiveness to her until she told me she was done and cut off all physical contact. I found Mevac men ending verbal abuse and control. It has helped me be a better father and hopefully a better partner to someone in the future.
Bernita your husband is demonstrating a classic verbal abusive trait called withholding. he's not communicating with you to control. Read Patricia Evans and help yourself. You will relize how much of this is not your fault. You and your children deserve peace.
on a side note I wouldn't mention anything to him yet about Mevac or verbal abuse until you have educated yourself a little more. Most VAC (verbally abusive and controlling) people don't get it until it hits them square in the eyes. Keep safe and God Bless.
Joe
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
Amazing things happening in my home. First of all, thanks, JTJ, you are right about the withholding thing. I devoured Patricia Evans' book about Verbal Abuse and also read Why does he do that? about angry and controlling men. I determined that my husband felt entitled, as the husband and unfortunately, I catered to him over the years because of my codependency (my mom had an addiction problem when I was very young and I was neglected, thus the pattern). But something amazing happened. I had been looking at sites for local divorce lawyers and my teenage son spotted the history and broke down in sobs. I told him honestly that marriage was very hard and I was sorry. Then I had to be honest with my husband about why my son was so upset. I told him honestly how unhappy I had been for at least the last 10 years and how alone and abused I felt. He was stunned, he said he thought I had been as happy as he was!!? (In thinking about this he was happy in our marriage because it was a copy of his parents' marriage. My MIL complained to her daughters that her husband didn't touch her sexually for 25 years!) So my husband actually apologized to me and we have begun listening to a set of CDs by a Christian marriage counselor named Jimmy Evans, Marriage on the Rock. It is amazingly straight forward and Jimmy constantly talks about what a jerk he was until God healed their marriage. And, God is healing ours, at least it seems that way. We shall see. But I know my son needs a stable home and I need to feel loved and cared for instead of alone and abused. I am so thankful for the last few years of seeing a psychologist or I wouldn't have had the guts to finally speak up. I had tried over the years to let him know how unhappy I was but he would twist things around and put the blame back on me or give me the silent treatment Now he seems to be open to listening. Last night he even admitted what a selfish, detached male he had been in our marriage! I am praying this open communication will continue!
Bernita, I am a recovering verbal abuser as well. Please, please, please, try to convince your husband to read patricia evans books and also come to our site. It is great that you both have started communicating. But there are triggers that will cause your H to slip back to those problems he has. JTG and i both know, we have been there. Keep safe, and our prayers are with you.
Bill
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
