I've had some set-backs, I've been pursuing and telling my W that I love her. I had believed with her deciding to "stay", that it was a sign she was ready to to try and work on us.
She is stuck on the fact that "I just don't love you anymore, and I don't see that changing". She also says that my "wanting and needing her is annoying and very unattractive."
She believes that I'm just not the right man for her, and that I likely never was - she's just finally realized that she doesn't need me.
I have to get back to DB, I'd slowly stopped GAL because I was trying to be closer to her, make myself available to her. That has back fired big time. I'm going to get back to GAL, plan things with friends, and get out and enjoy the good weather.
I now understand that I need to just back off completely and live my life - see where that goes.
All the talk of downsizing, looking at houses together, talking about the future together (not about us, but a future with both of us) just had me feeling so good.
I actually cried yesterday for the first time in as long as I can remember - I don't want to live my life without her. I really don't, but sometimes I wonder if I'll be happy either way? If she stays for the kids, and the money then she won't really be with me anyways...
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
She is stuck on the fact that "I just don't love you anymore, and I don't see that changing". She also says that my "wanting and needing her is annoying and very unattractive."
For all those who think they are about to be piecing please look at this above.
The single most mistake the LBS makes in taking the WAS back too easily! I learned this the hard way too. So please if you have the opportunity to piece, do not envision your life together. It is hard not to think about a wonderful R in the future but it will lead you to your demise.
Quote:
I now understand that I need to just back off completely and live my life - see where that goes
SinC, where do you want your life to go? You're control what you want to do.
Lead, be confident , you can do it.
gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I have said this often on here....if you are part of the fortunate ones that get the oppty to piece, you have to start at the basics. You have to become friends again and rebuild the foundation of trust. And trust goes BOTH ways. No one knows what the future holds if the piecing will work or not, but I think it would be exciting to get to know your S again. Wasn't that part of the initial attraction anyway?!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Tough situation to be in. It is better than her wanting to go through with a divorce, but not by much. I am going on 18 months with this limbo state.
When the Bomb was initially dropped on me, I went for IC and the first advice I received was not to expect any change in my wife's attitude toward me. My IC is female and she stated that women are very unpredictable when it comes to these situations. Even though we may have made huge changes and have become the husband they have always wanted, in alot of cases they will not come back. Its just the way it is. She did not have any explanation, only that each woman is different.
All you can do is focus on being a better person and father. In my situation I don't do any of the following:
1) Tell her that I love her 2) Tell her that she looks nice 3) No touching of any kind 4) I sleep in the basement 5) No gifts 6) No dates 7) No planning of outings with friends or family
We live simply as 2 people sharing the same home. I wouldn't even go as far as to say that we are 2 friends sharing the same home.
It is not easy. Each day is like climbing Mt. Everest. I wake up in the morning to nothing and go to bed at night with nothing. Certainly not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but at this time I still think it is better than putting my 3 kids through a divorce.
You just ahve to be patient, make sure that you never slip and keep trying to improve yourself at every chance. As others have said here, your next objective is to get her to the friendship stage. Until then, I would park any thoughts of being anything other than room mates.
I agree with all of your advice, and previously I would have said the same and generally followed it. I just read too much into the changes my W made - in her decision to stay.
She's told people she is staying "for the kids", but the reality is she is staying "for the money".
There is a possibility (we are going to find out this weekend) that my W's dream property maybe in our reach, which has made my W very happy. She has been talking to me constantly about it. When she does I can see the W I used to know.
She even went so far to say that if we can make this happen she'll "gladly work on us"...I really don't believe it.
She told me last night that she doesn't know what I want, that everyone is "normal" now and that she said "Hi" and then just wnet about her business (because I hadn't seen her 2 days, and was looking to chat with her about the the kids and what had been going on). I told her what we have isn't normal. I want to be able to hold my W, to come home and be happy to see her, and her to be happy to see me, to ML and look forwward to spending time together.
I'm going to backoff again, but I really don't think it's going to help - I believe it just continues to make her more comfortable and lead her to believe that I am comfortable with the current sitch. That we can work together to make her dreams come true, and take care of kids as "roommates" and that is perfect for us.
I'm not ok with that...
Punchy, I have no idea ow you've made it throw limbo for sooooo long. Again, I imagine it also leads your W to believe that your fine with the arrangement. How is that ever going to change?
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
The only way that I have made it this long through the Limbo Stage is that I know that my wife was very unhappy for many years and she did not leave. I am also hanging in there for my kids. As I have said before, my 18 months is nothing compared to her 10 years.
I do want exactly the same things as you, to have this constant black cloud removed from over my head, to get rid of this nagging sickly feeling in my stomach every day, to just be happy, to come home to my wife and know that she is happy to see me etc.
I am also realistic enough to know that this is something that I cannot have at this time. In fact, I am beginning to believe that it is something that I will never have unless I leave the marriage. This is something that I am not prepared to do at this time.
Although they appear to be happy, I cannot believe for a second that our wives are content with this non-physical and non-emotional relationship. They want more, but they don't want us to be the ones to provide it.
The only thing that keeps me going at this time, is that the longer we are in Limbo the more time that passes between the old me and the new me. The longer she can see that the new me is here to stay and that my changes are permanent, there maybe a better chance of her wanting to restablish the relationship.
I think the changes that we have made also creates alot of distress for them. We have taken away all of their reasons for wanting to leave. Their only argument now, is why did it take so long for you to change?
My wife and I were watching a TV show one night and part of the story line related to one of the characters who was about to meet his mail order bride for the first time. His friend on the show asked him "what are you going to do if she doesn't like you?" His response was "If that is the case, then I am going to be the best possible person that I can, I am going to do nice things for her, treat her with respect and dignity, give her space and time and maybe one day she will change her mind".
hey SIC... I am going on 18 months with this limbo state.
I honestly don't know how you can handle 18 months of this. I don't. I give you credit. I think I would have given up a long time ago. I've only been at this for 2 1/2 months. I can't imagine what 18 months would be like.
I feel for you.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I 'm at 5 months and it feels like an eternity. Much Like punchy I can't leave... or I won't. I need to be there for my kids. SIC my w seems to have moving goalposts with me. Nothing I do is what she wants. Try reading the book Five Love Languages. I employed some of the suggestions in the book and I find it has opened some dialog with my W, some conversation not about the kids.
H 37 W 38 M 11 T 18 D 4 S 10 Bomb 27/11/2010 Separated still living in the same house 1/1/2012 No D Papers No Separation Papers
Crazy weekend. W out for party with family on Friday and stayed home with the girls. I went to bed before she got home as I was tired.
She woke me up in the middle of night to have sex. I was honestly not sure about it, as I was the pursuer when we last had sex at Christmas. This time it was all her - so I went with it. Then we did it again. We haven't done that in years. We finally get to sleep. She then wakes me up again just before it's time to get up and we have sex again.
The next day there is no talk of it, she's tired and hungover (and I'm wornout too!) We get talking about the house again, and find out that due to bad weather, W isn't going to go see the house until Sunday. My parents come to pick up D5 and D7 for a sleepover and W goes to work on Saturday night and I'm home with the D2. No interaction with W when my parents came over, she was laying down for a nap. I'm glad when they are gone without incident.
Sunday I wanted to goto the gym but the timing didn't workout. W goes with her M to go see this place. When they get home she's both excited and disappointed. The place needs some TLC, but it gets overall good reviews. But - it turns outs they've decided they want another 100 thousand dollars more for it which puts it out of our price range. We are going to talk to the bank, and talk to this lady about lowering the price - but I don't see how it will workout.
I drive my W to work so I can pick up the girls, and as I'm dropping her off (as I used to do years ago) I decide to lean over for a kiss goodbye - and nothing, she says bye and walks away. I don't understand, we talked about this property all weekend, had sex and just spent time together and there's nothing.
Now what? I'm feeling ok about it, because she's said a number of times she isn't going anywhere but at same time I don't want just a friend to live with and take care of the kids.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
