I guess I just want to harness the moment. If she is now turning the corner to a point, and beginning to try I want to make the most of it.
I've been holding off on MC for probably a month or so now, because I've been afraid she wasn't ready.
Again, I think I just need to find as much happiness in the sitch as it stands and not focus on what is "still missing" in our R.
Her apologizing, even if it is small is another positive step. Going to hit the gym on the way home, and get home continue to ne positive and LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to her.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
So my W ended up going to the bank to talk about her options for a mortgage and of course it just isn't possible. She told our banker that she has "decided to work it out for the kids", or at least that's what she told me.
It's such a crock, because she's only doing it because she needs MY money, but obviously it sounds better to say your doing it for the kids.
Although I annoyed with this fact, I'm at least happy that she's at least temporarily given up the idea of leaving. Until any strides are made with us on a romantic/commitment level I will continue to feel like I am being used by her.
I've told her a couple times that I know we need to take it slow, and I've made the mistake a few times of saying it'll take "baby steps" as she seems to hate that term. Regardless everywhere I've read that I need to start small, act as if I am attempting to date my W. I know she still isn't ready to go on an actual date with me, so I'm doing my best with the moments we have together around the kids to help soften her position.
Again I'm going to hold off on MC, until I believe she is truly ready to work on us. I've already told her my stance that I do not want to simply live as friends for the next 15-20 years while we raise the kids - but she seems to have ignored that for now.
Any thoughts as to what this faze would be categorized now? Should I attempt to piece the R back together - attempt to build a new R or just ride the "friendship" wave until she intiates something more? I'm attempting to support the friendship, believing that it's a better start than "nowhereville" where we've been for sometime now, while attempting to sprinkle in R type actions. (ie. gentle hand on the waist or back when in the kitchen or sitting close to her with the kids reading stories for bed.)
She still doesn't seem remotely interested to be around me unless the kids are around - she doesn't even seem comfortable sitting on the same couch as me.
No matter the stage, this is so difficult and still want to just hold her so bad, kiss her passionately...
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I would say that you are still in the DB phase... certainly not piecing if your W is not committed to piecing the M back together. Unfortunately, you are going to have to continue being extremely patient. I would continue to advise you to GAL.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I would also suggest to get some IC for YOU; that is if you aren't already.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
I agree with Gypsy. You should get some support for what you are going through.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
OK everyone. I am new to this community and hoping it will be my salvation. My husband of almost 15 years told me he doesn't love me in any way shape or form. He acts like he has so much resentment for me and anger. Almost as if he doesn't care that I exist. I never cheated and in my opinion think I am not half bad. We have just had a life of constant arguments and miscommunications. He told me that we are not compatible and never have been. I of course disagree and in all of my studies and learnings about relationships the last couple of months realize now what it takes to make a relationship work. He of course does not beleive me and has no trust that things will ever change. He is almost more angry at himself for giving me the "last chance" he gave me that he is not about to let down any walls.
He is of the mentality that the destruction of our marriage is all my fault and he has no part in it. That he never did anything wrong. Not that he can give me any examples of what he actually did to make things right.
Now, I believe he is starting a new relationship. I think it is at the very beginning stages. This will make any chance I have (if I did in fact even have one) even harder. He sees me in such a negative light and I am not sure why.
I believe he is going through a MLC of sorts. He just turned 37. He has started working out, tanning, even started getting tattoos in the last couple of weeks. He has blocked his facebook account and changed most of the security settings on our computer. He is starting to listen to head banging music and acts and completely ignores me when I come home. He even has a different look to his face/eyes. Hard to explain. He barely can look at me in the face when I try to talk to him. It is almost like a switch went off a couple of months ago and he is a completely different person.
He says he feels like he has had an "awakening". He feels fearless and like he can do anything. He is tired of our mediocre marriage and in my opinion thinks he can have it much better if he can just find someone more compatible. He is not a christian but I am. He refuses church or even counseling and has a great deal of childhood issues that he refuses to address.
The hardest part is having the person that you truly love unconditionally not have any feelings for you in any way. Not even caring for you. I don't understand how this happens. I am not made of that fabric I guess.
Any advice would be appreciated. Anyone else in this boat?
Lily, it looks like you’re trying to start a thread here.
It is best to go back to the newcomers forum list and use the new topic button. That way you’ll have your own thread to post in and for people to comment in.
Not that a thread jack here is unusual.
There are a lot of good people here who will offer their opinions and support.
Post often, and when you see an oppurtunity to comment, support or offer an opinion do so as it helps let the people here know you're active and builds a support structure.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Just a quick update. I cannot believe it's been a week since I posted?!?! Not long ago I was on this site every minute possible. Things have settled down, we are talking about down-sizing and just living.
No real talk of the R, and my W continues to engage in "family" discussion but nothing else.
She is planning to just be friends and nothing more, which although good to a point - is not at all what I want.
I'll keep working on me, and hopefully someday she re-considers.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Good to see you! Frankly, this is pretty good. She was out the door for awhile. Now, she wants to stay. Believe me, it's not just for the kids that she is starting to turn. Perhaps some of your changes are changing her. I don't know. But I do know that this is good.
