Stuck Like Crazy Glue II

[ScaredinCanada]

Last night started off so good. W was talking very positive about making changes in our life to be happier. Sell the house and downsize to allow us more money to do things as a family and also to spend on hobbies.

I was feeling really positive as we discussed, and actually went briefly to look at houses together.

I told my W that I didn't want to goto fast and believed although I was pleased with the discussion I thought it was important that we look at dealing with the issues between us first. Her response was, "whatever YOU want"...and I snapped, I got angry.

So she is "trying" as long as she believes she'll get what she wants in order that she can find happiness - with my financial help but nothing more. There is no "US" in her plans.

I didn't mean to, but I took her positive talk and her willingness to "try and work-through our issues", but obviously that was not her intention.

I was very close to telling her off last night, that I want nothing to do with her - and that she can go it on her own and struggle for all I care and get none of her dreams.

I settled for telling her that, "you don't deserve my love"...which at this point I believe.

Nothing from her, no reaction no anything - cold as ice. I went to bed sadder than ever.

I am work today, and I feel so down, nauseous, depressed, unmotivated.

I was doing so well, and then I saw what I thought was light at the end of the tunnel and I gave everything I had too it - only to be crushed again.

I called this morning to wish D7 Happy Birthday and to apologize to my Wm telling her I let my emotions get the best of me. No reaction from her at all...nothing.

Hit me with the 2x4, but I have no idea how I was supposed to avoid getting excited?

I'm going to book the MC today...and just hope we can sit down with someone and work through it.

I'm scared of just existing with her, and not having her as my W.

[zengypsy]

Punchy:

This statement you wrote is very profound...

"Its hard for someone else to love you if you don't love yourself and who your are. Until you become the person that you are totally happy with, its difficult to expect others to fall in line."

It really says ALOT about how our WAS's feel. From that perpsective maybe we can understand them a slight bit better.

[zengypsy]

SIC:

You are on a rollercoaster ride and your emotions are going to be all over the place at times and that's ok. Don't beat yourself up about it.

What I've realized within my own sitch (and with some wise BITS advise) is that us LBS's are in a diff place emotionally then the WAS's. We are actually going thru an emotional phase of what they have been going thru while they were M to us. We were just to blind to see it. We can only hope that one day, both the WAS and LBS can get back on the same page.

That is going to have to happen thru reconnection and not reconcilation. I am a firm believer that reconnection has to happen first. It has to scraped down to the bare bones again. It won't work if you try to pick up where you left off.

Us LBS's have had to learn a tough lesson but the bigger piece is that we have learned it. Think about how many people out there are still stuck scratching their head as to why?

Stay the course! BITS rule!

[punchy]

SIC...

Our situations are getting more similar by the day. Your wife is now in the same position as mine. She does not want a divorce but at the same time does not want to work on the marriage. They have left the marriage emotionally and are simply trying to make the best of a situation that they do not want to be in.

Although not ideal from our perspective, it does give us the opportunity to show that we have made permanent changes to who we are and maybe over time they will take down the emotional wall that they have built up. Our challenge is to stick with the plan as painful and as frustrating as this maybe.

I am not sure what is more painful, going through an actual divorce or having to spend the rest of our married life living as roommates. I am committing to the roommate option to spare my children from having to go through the divorce process. Its not what I want, but I feel that I owe it to them and my wife to make a personal sacrifice for what I hope is the greater good.

Focusing on my kids and myself is the plan of action going forward. It does get easier each day as I learn to cope with what is not an ideal situation. I do question myself on a regular basis. As I said to my wife when she said that she didn't want a divorce, "This isn't living".

My wife and daughter are going away on a trip for 6 days starting this Friday. I am really looking forward to my wife being away. It will be a nice break from the day to day pressure of the current situation.

Stay the course.

[ScaredinCanada]

I think I had an anxiety attack this morning. At the time I believed I was deydrated or suffering vertigo my symtoms seemed to patch.

In the end I think I was just overcome by the stress of my life right now, the ups and down are killing me.

Obviously my W literally owns my heart, which I still believe is a good thing I just need to get better at controling myself. I was doing so good.

I'm going to monitor my health sitch, and goto a walkin clinic tomorrow if things don't improve with some calm breathing and some good sleep.

Going home and will be going out for dinner with family for my D7's birthday. I'm going to try and just focus on her and be positive.

Thanks for the support everyone, I need to get myself together.

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Punchy.

Yes, I think you are right we are in very similar sitch's. I just don't understand how she can stay but not even try with me.

Like you, I will be doing the same. Focus on my girls and continue acting and living the way I want to be and try and show myself and my W that my changes are for good.

She was again talking all excited about the future after we got home from D7's birthday. Talking about houses, and things to do in the future. I don't have any issues with these plans, some of them are things we'd talked about doing for years. I guess I just go on living, and hope at some point her walls come down and we can start having a R again.

[punchy]

The fact that she is talking about the future is a good sign. My wife doesn't mention any plans about our family beyond tomorrow. The fact that your wife wants to do things as a family is also a good sign. With my wife, she has no interest in doing anything as a family. No vacations, trips or activities together. These will provide you with an opportunity to show how you have made permanent changes to who you are.

Just as she has revisited her idea of leaving, she may revisit the idea of re-engaging into your relationship. I would take all of her recent actions as positive steps forward. Certainly much better than selling the house and splitting up the family at the end of the school year. In my case, wife is not leaving but I still need her to re-invest in the family and then hopefully re-invest in us as husband and wife. You have come along way in a short period of time compared to the minimal progress that I have made over the past 16 months. I did have an EA issue to deal with along the way that complicated matters, but I am hopeful that things will continue to improve over the next few months if I stick to my plan the same way you have.

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks again Punchy.

I hear you, anything positive is better. I just hope that she comes around, because I need the physical contact with her (all of it) the intimacy, that bond that I know we used to have. My W is fairly open to us doing things as a family because then the focus is on the kids, and not on me and her. It was funny, when we went out for D7 birthday the other day she said she wasn't that hungry and thought maybe we could just share something - a big positive as far as I am concerned and it went well.

I'm sorry that your W has no interest in even the family dynamic, I hope that changes at sometimes because it helps you feel connected without having a real R with her. Hopefully in time it will change, especially if you just keep planning things occasionally and inviting her to come. I can't believe she'd want to miss those sitch's with the kids. I know for me and my W they are some of our happiest times.

I love my family, and the fact that it appears we will stay as a one unit is really good.

My W has been talking constantly about the future, a future that she "wants" that just happens to include me on the side (simply for financial reasons at this point) but I guess either way I'd be paying financially.

I'll really slowly try to build on us, and maybe moving towards the future we will become close again. She already said she wants me to be her "friend", but I don't want her to think I'm fien with only being friends.

The next few months will be key, I need to stay calm and not get to excited or read too much into things - just be happy the we are still together.

SIC

[ScaredinCanada]

Update:

So last night me and W were talking again about the future, about downsizing and focusing more on the family.

I told her at one point that I'm really frustrated that she continues to make no effort with me, while going full steam ahead with plans for her to be happy.

I struggled to get to sleep after she was very short with me, not wanting to talk and told me that just isn't attracted to me now, so she doesn't want to try.

Just 5 minutes ago she called me at work. She just says, "I just called to apologize for last night, the way I treated you and the things I said. I'm just really disappointed at where I am in my life, it makes me sad." She went on to say that she can't stand my family and really doesn't want to have anything to do with them - that they don't care about her and don't seem to care about the kids. She said she wants to do what's best for the kids (still sounding like she's sacrificing herself to that end - and staying with SIC)

I just told her that I understand and that I appreciate her saying she's "sorry".

I felt like things have been slowly moving in the right direction, but at some point we need to actually do something to heal our us.

Where too now?!? I guess I keep slowly being a better man, and I'll bring up going to MC again. She did bring up that she sees I'm different now, she's still frustrated with the fact that it took so many bad years to get here.

SIC

[JustStunned]

The next few months will be key, I need to stay calm and not get to excited or read too much into things - just be happy the we are still together.

Where too now?!? I guess I keep slowly being a better man, and I'll bring up going to MC again.

Patience, you are a better judge of where she is at than I, but I would not bring up MC until there were clear signs she was ready.