Haven't posted in a few weeks as I have been incredibly busy. Nothing has really changed except that my three kids (S25, D23, S21)now know. I told the youngest two face to face. It was exactly like I feared - they were crushed and devastated. They are now at the point where they won't talk to their mom. They are both angry because she acts like nothing is wrong at all, and we are still one big happy family - yet she is leaving. They can't figure it out (join the crowd). I should point out that I have mentioned nothing about the OM, or anything bad about her other than she wants to leave. She called the oldest one who lives out of state and told him over the phone right before he was leaving for work. He called my daughter freaking out, and she called me, so then I called him and got a hold of him driving to work. He was a mess. I have no idea why she would do that. I was in the process of getting tickets to fly down and tell him face to face. She just said, well, I thought he knew. She KNEW he didn't. I think since the other two weren't talking to her, she thought if she was the one to tell him, that he would be on her side. She seems perplexed as to why the kids would be mad at her.
Speaking of OM, she claims they are still just friends and that they will date as soon as the divorce is final - IF he is available. Claims she doesn't know if he currently is or not. Right. Then later in the conversation she admits that she has been to his house but just once, kissed him but just once, and then admitted that she has told him that she loves him. She then proceeded to tell me they are good friends because he is such a "good" man and is very upstanding. So I asked her - do you consider a man that would mess around with a married woman with a family upstanding? She tried to argue that he was, but seemed to be confused at that point. I said it would be obvious to anybody that they are more than friends, and then she fell back into the no, we are just friends camp and stayed there.
So now she is looking for apartments, and I found an email between her and her lawyer where she is trying to speed things up, divorce wise. This was just a couple of days ago, and she had told me about a week ago that she had fired her lawyer. It appears not!
Due to an unexpected change at work, I now am working night shift. I leave before she gets home, get home really late when she is sleeping, and she is gone before I wake up. All along she has either still kept in contact by phone and text message, but since I went to nights this has stopped. She has sent me one message - remember to order propane. That's been it. So, looks like I'm already dark! I don't see her at all, and all forms of conversation seem to have stopped. The only contact we have is the three overlapping hours that we are in bed together. Yes, she still sleeps in our bed with me.
I've talked to a pastor friend of mine and he is giving me a couple of names of "pros" who I can talk to. I am going to start asap. If nothing changes, looks like D-day is April 28. I know that me and the kids will survive, although some days I'm not sure how, I'll admit. They have become withdrawn and bitter. I am working real hard at maintaining open lines of communication with them for when they are ready to talk. I talk to each of them every day. I know the W doesn't.
Well, I will end there for now - I am starting to ramble! I'll post more in a day or two.
I should point out that I have mentioned nothing about the OM, or anything bad about her other than she wants to leave.
Why are you lying to your children? They are adults; they should know the truth. You don't have to be nasty, or unnecessarily disparage their mother ("I still love her, very much, and don't want a divorce, but I've never lied to you and I felt you should know the truth.") But considering the emotional turmoil your children are going thru right now, they need to know that at least ONE parent is being honest with them.
Well, Starsky - that's a good question. I've been wondering which way to go on that for a while. I have heard both to tell them, and I've been told don't tell. That it will eventually come back and bite me. So, I have told them she filed for D. They haven't asked many questions. They are very angry, bitter, hurt and holding it all in right now while they process the situation. I don't want to give W any ammo by being able to say that I am mud slinging or trying to make her look bad. I think she is doing that well enough on her own right now. My kids and I are communicating more. I am letting them know that I am there whenever they want to talk, or if they need me. They don't feel that with my W right now - they feel like she is abandoning them and ripping apart our family.
As far as me and the W - it is very up and down. She will be very nice and considerate, and the next thing you know she is hateful and snide. I can't figure it out! LOL! She did say the other nite, I know you think that I am going to crash and burn - but I'm not. She was referring to her next relationship with the OM. I simply replied, Oh, ok. I wish you well. She is so consumed with the grass is greener scenario, and so convinced that he is such a nice guy. I don't know any other way than to let them have at it, and see for herself when it all crumbles apart. It's like watching your child start to stick a fork in the electrical outlet. You just know it's gonna end bad. But I'm slowly coming to realize that it's her mistake to make, and that I cannot control the situation and make her stop. It's sad, really.
The bad thing is, she is so convinced our M was NEVER any good, and she has done so much lately to damage both me and the kids, that I don't know if it can ever be repaired. I'm sure this relationship can't. I almost think that she would have to get out on her own, have her next relationship fail (or 2 or 3), finally realize that it's her and not the other people in her life that needs help, and then - maybe - we could start over again in a NEW relationship. Problem is, by then I might have moved on already and not be willing. Guess we will wait and see what develops. I just get so angry at her for putting my kids through all of this.
Well, things are starting to pick up speed. She asked that we sit down this last weekend and arrive at an agreement, because that would allow this (D) to be over with faster. I was available the entire weekend, but no conversation. Typical. If it's an uncomfortable subject, it is easier to not talk about it than get it out and find a solution. I truly believe that is one of the biggest reasons that we are where we are.
With my recent schedule change at work, we have almost no contact during the week. A text here or there, usually about something like an errand that needs to be done, wash needs to be put in dryer, get chicken out of freezer to thaw, etc. Once in awhile she will throw in something light and friendly. Last nite she says she just a saw a new commercial for the ebay baby. Said it was hilarious. I said I hadn't seen it yet, but would watch for it. Then she responds Going to bed. G'nite. It was not even ten, and she NEVER goes to bed before eleven. I didn't answer. And I don't initiate any calls or texts anymore unless it something important like business or the kids.
So, before she at least had to wait until I was outside, or she ran to the store or some other sneaky thing to send out her texts and quick calls to the OM. I'm pretty sure before my change they didn't talk at all after working hours because we were together. Now, with me on nights, I see they text upwards of 140 times a day, and they frequently talk on the phone while I'm at work. Like I said, things there seem to be picking up steam.
I'm back and forth between trying to fix me and be there for my kids and help them (and me) accept things and move forward. And then the next moment I just want my wife back, my family back, my life back. The worst part is I wanna FIX THIS. But I'm learning that I can't. I can't make her do something she doesn't wanna do. I can't stop her from doing something she shouldn't. But I feel like I am just treading water, and the best advice is to not let the next wave drown you.
Anyway, I'm already semi dark. We only see each other on the weekends. We still sleep in the same bed. She still sleeps up tight against me (touching back to back). The divorce if nothing changes will be final in about 6 weeks. I'm not sure at this point what else to do. I'll just keep reading (here, books, etc.), talking with a good friend of mine who is a pastor and has some experience in this kind of thing, start some personal counseling to fix my issues, and try to GAL. And pray. I'm not sure what else to do, honestly. I think that this relationship has reached a point where it has to die. I'm wondering if the only way for me and W to have any kind of chance at a good relationship is for her to go and be on her own and after a time, realize that she WANTS to have a R with me. You know, find out the grass might not be greener over there after all. I wish I had more time, and the other thing complicating things is the OM. She is fixated on trying to get that going, even to the point of looking for an apartment close to where he lives. I'm just not sure any DB techniques will work or that she will notice when she is so preoccupied with this other thing. I am trying to be patient, but not doing very well with things at the moment.
I hate to say it but my working hours actually helped destroy my marriage. DO SOMETHING about that! No job is worth a family being destroyed.
Your posting haunted me because I lived like this with my wife for years thinking everything was fine. But old lovers on facebook and the inevitable marathon phone calls to OM came around. Maybe she was bored or lonely. Maybe she was just done with me. Most likely I will never know but heed my warning. I only fixed my job schedule problem AFTER she divorced me.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Yes, I think that working second shift for all these years has not been good for our M. Wasn't much I could do about that at the time. Recently was able to work like a normal person for a couple of months, thought it was going to be long term but it ended here a couple of weeks ago. Back on nites for awhile, not sure how long.
Had a good weekend. Had a quick errand to run Sunday morning, came back and we did a little shopping and bought groceries. She was really pleasant and friendly. Touchy feely, too. I thought for a minute she forgot that she wanted a divorce! We were like a happy couple again. But then she remembered. I found out while I was out running my errand that she had been on the phone with the OM. Then we had a late nite talk about the D. She is so short sighted. She didn't realize all the things that have to be looked at and taken care of. She thought she could just file and magically she would be out and all of her troubles would be behind her. She started looking at financials, bank accounts, life insurance policies, 401k's, and it was a little much for her. She was kind of overwhelmed. But then again, looking back it's always been her style. If it's hard, or difficult, or uncomfortable, or anything but easy - she doesn't really want any part of it.
I still hope and pray everyday that something will slap her in the face and bring her back into "reality", but each day that passes I realize that this probably will not be the case. She is so focused on running right now, and on building her R with the OM. I thought it might start getting a little easier by now, but other than the sucker punched wind knocked out of you feeling I got when she first told me, I think I feel worse now more than ever. Watching my kids is the hardest. They are really hurting. Won't even talk to her. The hard part for me to understand is that our kids have always been the most important thing in our lives. Now, she acts like she barely cares if they are hurt or not. Comments like, they will get over it, or they will forgive me one day. This EA (at the least) has even moved her own children down the list.
As far as me, I have tried to start doing more things for me. I have started going back to church, and the kids have been going with me. I have done s few things that I have been wanting to, but just haven't. Even went and got readmitted to college. I can start taking classes again this next semester. But nothing is really helping me feel much better right now. I know that a huge amount of time will be involved in this whole process. And I have barely started - only been a few months. I am sure this will be more like a few years!
Well, down to the last 7 weeks of my marriage. What a roller coaster ride. One minute I can't wait to start over and find what kind of wonderful new things/people are out there for me to discover. Next minute I'm completely down and can't believe that this is really happening and my family is falling apart right in front of me.
Nothing has really changed. She acts like everything is cool when we are together, but still texting OM 100 times a day, and two or three phone calls a day. She is actively looking for an apartment. At the same time, talking about what WE need to do to our house! We need to fix this, we need to paint that, etc. Calling me "Hon", taking a bite of food of off my fork, making me my favorite pie. Yet wanting to walk away from our house, marriage, and family.
I'm working out. Buying some new clothes. Maybe go back to school and finish my degree (I'm close). In short - trying to fix and do what's best for me. I know that I am only a couple of months into what is surely a long journey. And every trip to the lawyer reminds me just how difficult it is going to be. Never thought in a million years I would be trying this hard to protect myself from my own wife. That she would be the one trying to tear our family apart. AND, she seems to barely care. At all. I can understand if years of resentment had her feeling indifferent to me. But she seems indifferent to what her own children feel. It's just BAFFLING.
Ahhhhhhh - I'm rambling. Or venting. I'm not sure anymore. This is what happens when you go too long without posting - too many thoughts running through your head all at once. Too many to put down coherently!
So yesterday (Sunday)I get up and my stxw and I make up a really nice breakfast. Her, I, and our 21 year old son eat, have morning coffee, read the Sunday paper, and chit chat. Then, my S and I get cleaned up and go to meet my D (24) at church. W doesn't go, as usual, even though she has been invited to join us. Before we leave, her and I have a small arguement. Not really an arguement, she wants us to take her car which is newer and in better shape than our other car. I told her we would be just fine. She would not let the matter drop, and kept insisting that we take the nicer car. I finally told her, Look I'm not gonna argure with you about this. We are taking the other car, and we will be fine. See you later. She seemed a little perturbed, but let it drop. Later that evening I look at our phone records online and see that OM called not 10 minutes after we left. They talked for about 40 min.
After Church, me and the kids go out for lunch. We eat, have a cup of coffee, visit with each other, and just kind of hang out for a little bit. Then we took off and went shopping. D was helping me "update" my wardrobe. LOL. W sends me random texts, which I do not answer right away. Some I don't answer at all. When I finally get home (around 7) she is obviously miffed. She doesn't say anything, but is very short and terse. Throws in little comments here and there about me not telling her how long I'd be gone, or where we were going. Tried hard to act like she didn't care, and maybe she didn't. But like I said - miffed. Maybe it was just because she couldn't plan on dinner until we got home, and she was hungry. Who knows.
On the D front, I asked her a week ago to list the things that she wants or needs and to include what she is asking for financially, so I could try to plan for it best is I could. I got a hand written note that just said "Will Do!" However, not a single word or item so far. I had been trying to get her to go to mediation and settle this thing as best as possible, and she finally did at the last minute before our first court date. But I can't get her to do anything. She tells me that she is, and then at the last minute I find out she didn't do it and I get caught with my pants down. So today I am hiring a lawyer. I was hoping that we would work things out on our own and avoid giving all our money to the lawyers, but it looks like that won't happen. She has made me believe that she is dissatisfied with hers and that she was going to release her so we could mediate this on our own, but I think that she never intended that at all. I have been temporarily outmaneuvered. So calling a lawyer today. I guess the games, and the beginning of the end, has started. Never wanted to go to war, but I am not seeing any other viable option out there. We'll see.
