I know that this forum has gone through many changes since the times I used to post more regularly here, and that many vets are no longer here. I hope nobody takes offense at what I have to add.
A truism, and I do see it as a truism, is the drastic re-writing of history and the degree of marital strife by a WAS. It pretty much never has anything to do with the OP, and it's always BAD beyond what the other spouse assumes and has taken place for a far longer time. I think most of the time, it's BS and gratituous self-justification.
By all means, and I would highly encourage this, look at your own failings in the marriage, take ownership, change for the better. But I would retain a sense of balance and perspective and call it as I see it when necessary. Let her take ownership for her own contributions too. It's not about "an eye for an eye", it's about trying to move the maariage towards a better place while being grounded in reality.
It took my W about 3 years to come clean and halfway admit it had everything to do with OM, that of course I had failed her in some ways, but it wasn't THAT bad as it seemed in the throes of the A. And no, I didn't pursue that response from her.
You sound like a decent man trying his best in very trying conditions Sparks, and I wish you the very best. When I caught the first proof of the A (online chat log) OM had been using a woman's name and profile and my first reaction was "Woo, W is having a lesbian affair?!". I'm not sure how I would have handled it to be honest.
Cheers.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
A truism, and I do see it as a truism, is the drastic re-writing of history and the degree of marital strife by a WAS. It pretty much never has anything to do with the OP, and it's always BAD beyond what the other spouse assumes and has taken place for a far longer time. I think most of the time, it's BS and gratituous self-justification.
By all means, and I would highly encourage this, look at your own failings in the marriage, take ownership, change for the better. But I would retain a sense of balance and perspective and call it as I see it when necessary. Let her take ownership for her own contributions too. It's not about "an eye for an eye", it's about trying to move the maariage towards a better place while being grounded in reality.
It took my W about 3 years to come clean and halfway admit it had everything to do with OM, that of course I had failed her in some ways, but it wasn't THAT bad as it seemed in the throes of the A. And no, I didn't pursue that response from her.
Deep. Thank you so much for your input. It is nice to hear from a veteran who has made it through this process.
I agree with you that this fog is re-writing our history. It stinks, but there is nothing that I can do right now but validate her feelings and try and keep perspective for myself. I like who you described the self-gratification. It is almost as if she is trying to justify all that has happened.
In the beginning, she told me numerous times that she was sorry for hurting me. She never wanted that. She is still not at a point where she has ever told me that she was sorry for the betrayal of the A. She has also turned this into her being the victim. It is now her going through the hurt of moving out, not having any money, and seeking an answer to her sexual orientation question. I guess this justification is only helping that process for her.
I will continue to take care of myself and own my faults and use them to improve as a person.
Thanks again, Deep, for that perspective. It was one that my couples therapist didn't even seem to have it in her to say in front of both of us. She could only tell us that we each take certain events or feelings, positive or negative, from our past. That was discouraging where your words were just the opposite.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Spending my day working an overtime shift trying to make some extra money. W has S for the day.
Tonight, we have our weekly dinner with our S. We are going to a very child friendly place in town with a great burger. W and I are looking forward to it.
I then have our S tonight, all day tomorrow, and tomorrow night! Looking forward to some quality time with my little guy.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Dinner out was not the greatest. W was exhausted, so even on my best game, it was difficult to get much positive response from her. She just wanted to go home, shower, and go to bed.
On the way to dinner, I pulled two small laffy taffy out of my pocket. I did get a good smile from her as I let her pick which flavor she wanted. We told each other jokes and both of us laughed. Those jokes are so corny, but I think she likes them. I then think her curiosity kicked in and she asked where I have been hiding them at the house. I think I am going to make these something I bring out every so often to get a smile and break any ice between us.
After dinner, I took S home. She stopped by briefly to bring his meds. While I was giving him a bath, she gave him his medicine from his ear infection last week. Little guy started projectile vomiting. Pretty scary stuff to see that happen to a baby. Everything is just fine now. W left after we put S to bed.
I have my S all day tomorrow and tomorrow night. It's going to be nice spending some quality time with him.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Having a hard time right now. Have had my S the last 2 nights and all day yesterday. W came over this morning for a quick breakfast and then the two of us went to his doc appointment for his flu shot. Made a few stops on the way home to pick up a few things.
In the car, my W made subtle hints concerning separation. She is in Spring Break right now, so I mentioned that we could maybe take S to movie theater tomorrow that does a baby friendly movie showing every week. We had free passes from a previous show we went to. She pretty much told me that she did not want me missing work to go, and then later mentioned that she might want to take her brother's girlfriend with her if she went.
I then asked how her new church was. We had a brief discussion how I thought the church attendees at mine are very old so I don't always feel like I fit in. She was quick to tell me that she hoped I wasn't trying to go to hers, because that is something that she wants to do just for her. That didn't ever cross my mind, and I told her. Just seems like she is wanting more space.
I haven't even been to her apartment since she moved in over a week ago, as she has not been ready for me to go over there (even though she mentioned she wanted it to be very accessible to me and our S when he is there).
We got back to the house, and I packed up my S in my W's car. Gave her a quick goodbye, and they were off. I walked into the house and just had a powerful emotion knock me down. Just started balling. I already miss my S who I won't see for two nights. Miss my wife. I can't understand how breaking up our family would ever be the right thing to do. I realize that W has some self discovery to go through, but I ask the "why me" and "why us" questions to my self all of the time.
Sorry for the sob story. I am just feeling very weak right now. No new revelations or new words fro her side. I am just down. Today, I feel like somebody has just punched me in the gut.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Hey Sparks14, It is okay to feel the way you are feeling. I saw my daughter this weekend and i went through the same feeling of "why us" and "why my daughter". But sometimes you just gotta know that this is life and we try to stand up and move. For me personally my thoughts have fully moved to my daughter only. The only way i can stop from feeling miserable thinking about my daughter is to be there fully for her. every step of the way. Maybe you need to tell yourself the same thing. Then you'll have a goal of being there for your son. And you can always try to meet that goal.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Sparks, sorry I haven't checked in on your sitch in a few days. I think I've been feeling similar to you, cycling through anger, sadness, acceptance and even happiness. Thing I tell myself is that it's ok to feel each of these ways but not to dwell on it or rush the feelings. They will come and go on their own time. We just all need to hang in there and remember that how we feel right now is not necessarily how we'll feel later.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Thanks guys. This roller coaster is not just about the interactions between my W and I. I have also felt that my own feelings go up and down like a roller coaster. I realize that is just part of it the situation. I just do my best to even out the up and downs as much as possible through my own actions. I know it is all about my improvement.
Just one of those days, I guess. I know that they are real, and I should expect them.
Very sad this afternoon. Full of self pity. Pretty pathetic.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I was pretty miserable yesterday, but a funny thing happened. I took myself out of sadness and turned around my attitude. Roller coaster going back up? Yep.
I sent my W a text that she had forgotten to grab something for S when she was here in the morning. She replied that she wanted to come back over for it after S nap. She came over at 5:00 as I was getting off work.
My attitude and confidence was shining. When she walked in, she immediately let me hold S. She then asked if I wanted to give S a bottle. Of course I did. I told her that I really missed S when they left this morning. She gave me a sincere "awww". She then mentioned that she knows how hard it is to let go of him after spending a few days with him. I agreed.
W and I had great casual conversation and banter for about an hour. She grabbed a few things around the house to take with her. I had no objections to the items she took and we were both in a positive mood.
I had to leave for therapy at 6:00. She was wanting to stay around the house for a bit, but we discovered that she was parked behind me, so we both left. Smiles from both sides as we left.
I took my attitude into therapy and had a great session there. Took it back home after. Made dinner and watched a movie. Enjoyed my evening. Never considered texting or contacting W at all.
I am discovering that I am in control of my mood and can act as needed to turn it around. Happiness is a choice, right?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
