Hello my friends! I feel like I am in the confessional...
Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been a month since my last posting.
Soooo here is my sitch update,
I have detached from everyone in my life for the last month so that I could be alone with my thoughts and decisions. I have been on the "crazy boat" (as my counselor calls it) long enough. Let me begin with Christmas Eve as a starting point to the craziness. As some of you might remember, my H spent Christmas with the girls and i. On Christmas Eve, he came over to the house, made love to me, told me he loved me, told me he was going to break up with his girlfriend and would be home by the end of the week.
Didn't happen. on his birthday Jan.2nd I read a text message that he had sent the OW that day that said "I love you baby". He told me over and over after I found the text that he had made me a promise and he intended on keeping it...trust him.
Next day I asked God for a sign - something that would let me know I am either done or not...I suddenly knew that if I found his truck at the bar the OW bartends at - it was over.
His truck was at the bar.
I was done. Furious. Destroyed for the last time I told myself. I detached completely. I didn't want anything to do with him. We even had a conversation that I would date if I want to and when he got his bonus in Feb. we would get the divorce started. He said he understood, but wanted me to keep the door open for him. whatever.
On the 28th on my way to work i sent my H a text: R U still planning on going to the girls swim meet tomorrow? if so it starts at 10am
His reply: yah - were are you?
Me: on my way to work, why what's up?
H: It's over
Me: It's over between you and I or you and OW?
H: me and OW
Me: When I get to work, I will see what is going on and see if I can leave to talk.
H: talk about what?
Me: That is a funny question? you just told me you broke it off with OW and I thought that might warrent a conversation between you and I.
H: Oh, sorry didn't mean to seem like a jerk. what time?
**** At this point I am starting to actually have a panic attack. HE IS TEXTING ME THAT HE BROKE UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND HE DOESN'T THINK THIS IS A TOPIC BEST FOR FACE TO FACE CONVERSATION?****** plus, I am in a panic because I don't know how to react to this information. I am done. I don't want him anymore.
Me: Where are you?
H: I am in West Salem getting all my stuff to move back home. Should be there soon.
ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I am in full nervous breakdown. I am at work crying so hard I am gasping for air. My co-workers don't even know what to do with me. I scream that he didn't take me into consideration when he decided to have an affair, he didn't take me into consideration when he left me for the OW, and he isn't taking me into consideration now by not even ASKING ME IF HE CAN COME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get in my car and just drive, and drive and drive. 2 hours later I end up in Madison and i check into a hotel. I sent my own text to my H that said:
I can't believe you would move back into the house without even talking to me! I am having a very hard time with this and I don't want to see you for a while. You will have to take care of the girls. I am going to a hotel for a couple of days.
For 2 days I thought about my situation and what I wanted. And I left Madison on Sunday knowing I was done. My H sent me a text that he was leaving. He would respect my space.
2 days later, we finally talked on the phone. He told me that he would go to counseling, he loved me, he wanted his kids back in his life. I said i was done. we make better friends. He understood and was really great about it.
Then he started roping me back into the crazy boat, just when I thought I had been rescued. He kept sending me texts that would say he didn't believe it was over...we should be together forever...he really did love me.
On Superbowl Sunday the girls were away at a swim meet and my H came over to the house to see me that morning. He convinced me to give us another chance. He had gotten back with the OW that past week because I had said it was over, so now I needed to give him a chance to break it off with her. give him the week to do it. on Saturday the 12th after my big gala ball event at work, we would start over. He would not have any communication with her.
Needless to say, he was lying again. He did break up with her, but she wouldn't let him go and he caved. He had moved back into the house. And it just wasn't working, he was being so mean to me. nothing I did was right. nothing. I told him that I had seen all the text messages on verizon and he was lying again. We got in a HUGE fight on Valentines Day. He didn't get me anything, didn't even wish me a Happy V day. I was emotional and had a couple glasses of wine...not a good combo. I asked him why he wanted to get back together with me when I knew he still loved the OW - why why would he tell me that he loved me when he didn't?!! He replied that he just came back for the kids and that he didn't think he could do this. He did love the OW and this was sooooo hard for him, but he thought he could make himself love me again so that he could be with his girls again.
a couple days later, he hugged me and said that he really did love me, but that he couldn't hurt me anymore. It was killing him to see me in so much pain. He knew that he would continue to hurt me if we stayed together because he can't let the OW go.
I told him that I agreed and that I would go see the lawyer in the morning. He held me all night long...told me how sorry he was. Promised that we would stay good friends and keep the girls as our number one priority (just as we have been doing for the last 8 months. I agreed and I cried my goodbye.
I am doing really good, seriously good. I told my H that he could stay at the house until we sold it - I need the help keeping our 5 bedroom monstrous house perfect while we show it. Plus, this past week has been totally fine with him there. He is back to the man I am best friends with. We are doing okay for now.
He is back with his girlfriend again, I assume anyway because there was a charge on our debit card yesterday for the bar she works at. and I am okay with it. My happiness is not disrupted by what he does any more. and it feels wonderful.
I see the lawyer Tuesday. Some of you might say to let him do it - he is the one who did this to me let him do the work. but I am doing it because I want to protect myself financially. He might be okay right now, but what if in a couple weeks he decides to take his paycheck and just give me a part of it and then I will be stuck with the house all by myself - hell no. right now my priority is self protection!
So that is my long long story of my ride on the "crazy boat" since Christmas, and it is time to get off and take care of myself and do what makes me happy.
And having my H as my friend makes me happy. I am satisfied with that kind of relationship with him.
He jokes with me and says that we will be like the TV show, Cougar Town. I am Jules and he is the crazy xh that is one of my best friends - I told him that I could even see him living on a boat in the parking lot of a marina and we both laughed and laughed.
Life is going to be ok.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
WOW. Just, wow. That's an amazing amount of back and forth. I have to say that the further in I got, I was hoping you'd choose to stay apart from him. I realize that's probably anti-DBing in some way, but it just looked like he was never going to fully commit to you and I hate to see you continually hurt. Maybe some day he will? I don't know. He still sounds really confused. So I am really glad that you are ok and handling it well and taking the reins for the legal aspects, because that is so important.
I am surprised you can maintain a friendship with him but if that truly works for you, that's the most important thing: what works FOR YOU. Glad to see you back but I also understand why you took that hiatus!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
TAMF, that is a crazy, craazy story. Glad though that you could now laugh about it! I was on the lookout for your posts and finally your are back!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
TAMF - I am SO sorry. Do not drink the kool-aid. Detachment is the most important thing. No more lies - no more manipulations. It is about you and your children! HE is losing out - he needs to FEEL the loss. Prayers your way! IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Last night H didn't come home - which I don't care at all - but D13 kept asking where dad was...I said exactly what he told me - he was drinking with some buddies from work and that he was going to stay with them if he drank too much. She cocked her head to the side and rolled her eyes and said "yeah right"
I called H this morning and told him what happened with D13 last night and told him that if he was going to stay at the house he was going to have to come home so the kids don't get upset. He agreed. He said he was sorry (tried to tell me that he really was with his buddies) I told him very nicely that it was okay, I don't have a problem at all, but he needs to think about the girls and what they are thinking. He thanked me for talking to him so nicely about the situation and said it wouldn't happen again.
Go to the lawyer tomorrow...feel okay about it today, hope I can keep it together tomorrow. I have a counselor appt. after the lawyer, so that should help me.
I am actually pleasantly surprised that I am ok today.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
My H and I are friends, and Im ok with that, what I am NOT ok with is that he hides how good of friends we are from the OW. She has no idea that he calls or texts me everyday. She has NO clue he gave me a vday gift or even that he gives me extra money beyond child support. I dont like that Im in a secret relationship of any kind with him. I feel if he wants to talk to me, it should be in front of the OW. She should know. BUT its not my problem I guess. If he is going to hide stuff from her, that is their problem.
Im glad you are doing ok with everything
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
what I am NOT ok with is that he hides how good of friends we are from the OW. She has no idea that he calls or texts me everyday. She has NO clue he gave me a vday gift or even that he gives me extra money beyond child support. I dont like that Im in a secret relationship of any kind with him. I feel if he wants to talk to me, it should be in front of the OW. She should know. BUT its not my problem I guess. If he is going to hide stuff from her, that is their problem.
This is the same with us...I find it sad that he has gone from keeping her from me, and now me from her.
My H's sister told me a couple days ago, "now it's her turn to take a ride on the "crazy boat" let's see how long it lasts when it isn't an affair anymore but an actual relationship"
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
The Crazy Boat....Im glad Im not on that boat anymore. It just really hurts my feelings that he keeps anything between me and him a secret...in my opinion, she should know. I mean, this OW has her ex H over all the time hanging out with them, so Im sure she would Understand.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Went to the lawyer today and God had taken pity on me and gave me an enormous amount of strength to get through the appt. and the day without breaking down.
Went to the counselor after and it helped to express my new fears - the divorce process, H introducing the girls to the OW eventually and if H living in the house will work out or not. We will take it one day at a time and see what happens.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
