It's been months, but here I am in tears again. I don't know why. I woke up this morning feeling all of the pain and lonliness that I have been doing so well to get past. It's nagged at me all day, and now I've just lost it.
Since I've been here last, much has happened. D17 had another surgery. Ovary twisted again while we were out of town, but this time they had to remove it. When H drove to where we were and he found me in the waiting room in tears (between my two girls this was surgery #3 in 18 months and I couldn't handle it)he started to ask what was wrong, but then just left.
My 25th anniversary came and passed without emotion or mention.
My D's both qualified to compete in an international event in Tennessee - I was happy to be with them and celebrate their accomplishments.
D17 graduated.....top 10%.....Student of the year. H had no input and showed no desire to participate in her party. Some friends of ours came - friends that hadn't had contact with us in years. I was the one to tell them we were no longer together. H showed up about 40 minutes late, with enough alcohol on board to cause one of D's friends to go up to her and ask how much he had been drinking. I kept my distance and tried to make it the best for D. My heart breaks everytime I think of what she, and my other kids deserve - a complete, healthy family that can celebrate accomplishments together and not this broken, screwed up,living out of 2 homes and barely on speaking terms life.
I'm still "married" to a man that I used to think unquestionably would love me until death - but now I undoubtedly feel how lost that love is. Some days I think I've healed, and the love I had for him is gone - but it obviously is not. I still can't be around him without feeling what we have lost. I can't be around him without sensing that he "just doesn't care" for me. It's not enough that he doesn't love me anymore, I honestly think he could care less if I lived or died.
I'm so overwhelmed with all that I have to do, and am now looking at what lies ahead financially and fear that I will lose my home. I have no idea how I can keep it, and some days I wonder why I want to. It's a daily reminder of what I've lost.
H is still very much involved with the kids - and has the younger two very involved in ball this summer. I was recently told that when there are conflicts (they both play at the same time)he has to be at D's games to coach (even though he coaches both). At first I was upset - being told that I couldn't go to D's games when I wanted to, but I've gotten past that. I will be there for my S, and for D when I can. This always at a ballgame life isn't my choice - but they won't play without having a parent at a game.
I think what made me break today is the feeling that I have no choice in what I do or what has happened in my life. My H decided to quit. He decided to leave. He decided we were done. He decided to get the kids involved in an activity I can only be a spectator in. An activity that totally consumes every evening and weekend between the two of them. Between work and ball and mowing, and household chores, there are not enough hours in the day to do something that I choose.
At one point at the end of the school year D14 came home from a practice that H had taken her to, went to her room and curled up in a ball and started to cry. She wouldn't talk to me, refused to give me any clue about what had her so upset. It was the next day that she told me that "dad said bad things about you and it made me sad." She has had increasing problems with living out of two homes. (On more than one occasion she has told me that she wanted to just live with me.) She was having problems trying to get homework done and keep up with the practice schedule H had set for her, and apparently H was blaming me for this - and more. I did as much damage control that I could with her and let H know that he really screwed up and that he needed to fix it. I also let him know that it was unacceptable to trash me in any way................which of course he denied fully. He had no idea what could have upset D, but promised to do what he could to make it better if she would give him chance. He fluxuated between saying that if D "only wanted him in her life as a coach it was fine" - to "he would be a dad first, coach second." I'm not really sure where he is on that now, but maybe somewhere in the middle.
With much help from me,D has given him another chance, and things have mended between the two of them. It is important to me that the relationships that our kids have with each one of us stays in tact, regardless of what is going on between the two of us. I know he can't appreciate my efforts in helping save his relationship with D, but it's not important.
H spends so much time with the kids taking them to practices and pitching lessons and coaching, and somehow is managing to maintain his new home (purchased in October), maintain a baseball field that he was given access to that is near his home, plant a garden, learn to cook, make trips to help with tornado relief, and help with local sandbagging efforts for the impending flood. On the outside he looks like one he** of a loving, caring guy - and I used to think that he was, and he still must be that person. But if he is, how could he do what he's done to me and our family? Why am I still left feeling like nothing? Why am I still in so much pain after all of these years?
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
