WAW tearing up our family part II

[OnMyWay]

iM! Where are you? Everything ok. Give us an update so we know you are alright.

[ironMan]

Ok, I haven't been around in awhile. I need to get caught up on everybody. I have just been very busy with the new job, and GAL-ing hard core. Life has been good, and I wake up happy every day. And then .... a curveball.

So, last week on Weds my W came over to the house in the morning to drop off some clothes for the baby. We ended up talking a bit, and having a cup of coffee together. Very pleasant, and I ended the convo.

Fast forward to Thurs night. W called me to talk about something. I don't remember. She said she wanted to meet to discuss some things in person. I asked her to tell me what the subject matter was .... she said a timeline for the separation, as well as my plans to sell the house. I told her I didn't see the point of setting a timeline. And, I'd sell the house when we figured out what we were doing.

Friday night, her family invited me to go out to eat with W and all of them .. to celebrate W's step-siblings being in town, and my D's birthday. So, I met them and we had fun like we usually did. W seemed kinda odd, but I wasn't too worried about it.

Sat, W forgot her car keys in Ds backpack. So, she came over right before Ds nap-time. She came over, and we had a serious talk after that. She again brought up the issue about setting a timeline. And, I again told her I didn't see any point in doing that. And, that I could end this anytime I felt like it just as she could. She looked kinda shocked.
Next, she brought up dating other people. She told me that she'd appreciate it if I told her before I decided to do that. I told her that I wasn't sure how a married person could date other people. And thought that wasn't the right hting to do. She then asked me if I'd like to know if she was going to start dating ...... I told her I didn't even feel comfortable discussing whether I'd like to know. And, I asked her what a guy that dated married women would be like? And I also told her that if she started dating that it would tell me a lot about who she was. ..... she got pissed. I didn't worry about it but just told her I was just answering her questions and expressing my opinion. She said that separated people need to date other sometimes. I told her to just do whatever she felt comfortable with then. I know what I'm comfortable with.

Then, we went downstairs so that the baby wouldn't hear us. We talked more. Then she cuddled up against me. Finally ending up curled on me, snuggling. After awhile, she gave me a kiss on the lips and left. Strange turn-around eh?
So, I go about my business the rest of the day. Get D into bed. And I get a text from W. She asks "wanna watch a movie?". I said sure.

She came over. Looking good! She said she was supposed to go out on a bachelorette party but didn't feel like it. We snuggled up, and she slept up against me. After the movie, I told her I was going to bed and she could sleep wherever she wanted. After awhile, she came up and crawled in bed with me and we slept until D woke up.

We made breakfast, and played as a family. Like old times.

She then asked me if maybe she could stay here the next weekend. I said, yeah, we can talk about that. Then, she asked me if I might like to go on a date with her ... and I said, we can talk about that too.

So, I'm slow playing it. If she asked to move back tomorrow, I'd say No. I'm really not ready for this. And she's going to have to do some work to get her foot back in the door here. I'm expecting a major pullback. Anyway, I'm going to need some space for awhile .

But I had to post this. I never thought she'd do any of this stuff a week ago. Very, very crazy!

[~ kd ~]

Not sure if I think you should be smiling... or running away, bravely...

Maybe a bit of both...?

[OnMyWay]

HAHAHAHA, ironMan, you crack me up!

You are one cool customer. I need to go back an reread your whole thread. And you need to post more often. I think there's some details here you are leaving out.

Watch out for that pull-back. You may become some sort of major a-hole if she slips - but you already know that, don't you.

Keep up the good work.

OnMyWay

[FaithnAK]

Oh boy. 2x4 Inc on this one.

First of all. Kudos to you IMO for handling this the way you are. Testicular Fortitude. Sincerely. But....

You are being played my friend.

First of all, ask yourself...Does she respect me?

THEN ask YOURSELF "Do I want an Open Marriage?" "Will I share my Wife with another Man?"

If you answer these questions with a "No". Then you need to just flat out out make that known to your Wife. Not in a controlling, possessive manner, but in a way that you show her that you accept her decision on what she wants, but that's not what YOU want or will tolerate. DAMN IT. Tell her and ASK for what you want.

Not to be a jerk, but she's obviously done something and if not, she's VERY close. Her snuggling with you is a way to smooth her conscience. Not to mention that she's asking you about dating and then getting pissed off at a highly moral answer.I'm not saying give up, but man in hindsight she's testing your response because of something.

You handled this very well, but there are some serious flags. I'd keep doing what your doing, but I would find out what is the truth and make your decision from there. They will be AWESOME to you while they go through this, best be aware. They will endear themselves more than normal. etc. All I see is red flags.

I would hate to have to see a post down the road where you think your in control and everything is good, but you found out the hard way.

I'm sorry but this is the truth. Trust if you can, but at this point verify. My prayers are with you friend.

[ironMan]

Yes, I agree with most of what OnMyWay, Kaffe Diem, and Faith have said. I don't view this as a victory. This just means she still doesn't know what she wants. She still doesn't like herself or her life much. But, she is no longer seeing me as the problem. That doesn't mean we're going to end up together. But it does mean she's considering that as an outcome she'd like, again.

Faith, yeah, that thought has occurred to me as well. However, I can't control what she has done, or will do. If she dated somebody, is that when I throw in the towel and give up on the marriage? Why should I draw such lines in the sand ... and why do you feel them to be a moral necessity?

She asked me what I thought, and I told her, truthfully and not being manipulative. I can't very well demand she play by my rules when she's not sure she wants to play at all.

So, for now, I have to keep doing what I have been. Anyway, I'm enjoying the bachelor lifestyle. She has to find out where her life is going to go. I can't show her anymore. As I've said all along, she is her problem now.

I have plenty of things to keep my busy in the meantime. And I wake up happy every day.

[ironMan]

I know I need to come here more ... I have been enjoying not thinking about all this garbage though ...... my W is now pursuing me to some extent. She asked me on a date, WE went and had a great time. We have another date this Friday.

I am growing resentful though. It has been 7 months since we ML. And, I don't think I will make 12 before I quit this.

She is less selfish, but still selfish. She says now that she is/was very selfish to leave. And that she needs to list of things she did that hurt me if we are to R.

For now, we're just dating. Not sure I would keep dating a woman that wouldn't even kiss me deeply though. So, now, the clock is ticking on her I feel.

Anyway, sorry I haven't been here to help all of you. I just had to get away from my sitch, and from the whole miserable world of WAS.

I can promise you this .... with or without your spouse .... happiness is a choice. Choose happiness.

[ninelives]

Good to see you again Iron. Glad things are sort of progressing.

The ML thing? Tough call, I cant imagine what it would be like to be with my W for that long without having some kind of contact but in the grand scheme, it is a small thing to sacrifice for NOW.

I know that my W could not really make Love to me when she reconciled because she was wrapped up with OM, I hope that isnt happening in your sitch.

Hope things go your way iron.

9

[ironMan]

Yeah 9 .... that thought has crossed my mind a number of times as well.

Bottom line ... just because she's coming back around doesn't mean she's any less confused than when she asked for a separation, or moved out. It may mean she's more confused.

She goes thru periods where she talks about where we would live, etc. And, I try not to get wrapped up in them.

It's like an MMA fight ...... and I'm trying not to get complacent and get taken to the mat.

[Denver_2010]

Yeah 9 .... that thought has crossed my mind a number of times as well.

Bottom line ... just because she's coming back around doesn't mean she's any less confused than when she asked for a separation, or moved out. It may mean she's more confused.

She goes thru periods where she talks about where we would live, etc. And, I try not to get wrapped up in them.

It's like an MMA fight ...... and I'm trying not to get complacent and get taken to the mat.

Good idea Ironman! I've become complacent a couple of times and been taken to the mat and put in a figure four leg lock!! LOL... not a pleasant experience!

You're doing great! Sounds like you are really in the position of needing to decide if YOU want the M ...

BITS
Denver