Be the Lighthouse

[mj144]

What, are we in mamby pamby land?

B.I.T.S.

[Denver_2010]

1. I am glad that you went to see the game. I know that was a tough decision, but you made the right one.

Thanks LIS. Your posts always make me feel so much better. I really wish that I could return the favor to you... and everyone.

I hope that was the right decision. I feel that I am moving towards some kind of end game in some respects. Either my W and I will begin to "piece" soon, or I will be back to square one.

I'm not sure that I can continue on this path if I get sent back to square one.

Contradictory statements??? Well, maybe it's just me, but I would be thrilled by those. If she kept insisting it was over and not giving you a glimmer of hope, then I would be more concerned. That is not what's happening. It's time for you to take a walk over to the thread showing people who reconciled. Those people are together and were hearing the same things you are.

I KNOW that I should be happy that I have a glimmer of hope and that she is no longer just telling me that it is over.

I am somewhat embarrassed to be posting here that I am having a hard time today when I know that I am blessed to have so many positives going for me now. This just doesn't get any easier. Some aspects do. Like going home to my empty home... that doesn't make me cry any longer. Like sleeping alone in my bed. That doesn't make me long for my W like it did 2 months ago.

It's the being in limbo that does not get any easier. It's like I am constantly working to not let myself run away from the situation. Run away and just not deal with it any longer. It takes shear will power to want to keep trying. To do what is right. And, again, I sometimes wonder why how it is fair that I have to do all of this work.

3. "Trying to be nice." Ugh, I would love to just tell her not to do you any favors. BUT, this is actually not a bad statement either. See, it's pride-saving time. She is turning a corner, but she's got her pride to keep in doing it. I have a feeling as you move closer she's going to continue making statements like this... like she's doing you a favor. Ignore it. AND DO NOT LET YOUR PRIDE DO THE TALKING. If you do, that door will slam faster than you can blink an eye.

Yeah, trust me, this comment gave my ego a big fat lip.

I think that you are right though LIS. My W has to figure out a way back to me without it looking like she made a huge mistake. At least that's what I hope.

4. Ummm... she's confused and torn because her fantasy is falling to pieces at your feet. Meaning, she felt that she would leave and everything would be fine and dandy. Whatever misery she was going through at home would suddenly evaporate if she left. Well, the misery is probably still there, might even be worse and she hasn't a clue what to do with that. Why we believe that our spouses are any less confused than us, I don't know. They are probably more confused. We are learning to have a plan. We have been given a book with the steps clearly laid out. We are talking to people on a daily basis who help us refine our plans. What are our spouses doing??? They are floating in the wind with little to no anchor.

I think that this is a dead on analysis too. Of course, I could find out that you and I are both wrong... in which case, my world come crashing down on me again.

5.If you are smart, you'd do anything to keep me. But that's just my opinion. " - Now this statement is the most telling of them all. She is telling you something here. If she was trying to get away, she would NEVER EVER EVER EVER make a statement like this. She would be running in another direction and would not be doing anything to spur on behavior that is consider pursuing. They hate pursuing when they make the decision to leave. Well, that doesn't appear to be the case here exactly. She's daring you to come after her with this statement. Very, very interesting.

Yes, this was the most encouraging of all of the words that she has said to me in the past several months.

BW this statement, W saying that she doesn't understand why I haven't "tried to fix things" and my FIL's comments about W not believing that I love her, I feel like I'm getting ready for a big trial where I have to present a case "beyond a reasonable doubt".

I guess that its a good thing that I'm a lawyer, right?

Unfortunately though, this is all beginning to feel like I am getting ready for a big job interview. Not how a M should feel.

6. Forget about the OM. He does not figure into this equation right now. You have got to do anything to get this out of your mind. I'm pretty convinced that was more fantasy than anything else. I have a feeling that was more of a safety net after she left than something that had truly developed.

I really need to know the answer to this before I will have any peace with it. My mind just isn't allowing for me to deal with the negative possibilities.

Thanks again LIS for your uplifting post.

I know that my response probably doesn't reflect it being uplifting, LOL, but it is.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

What, are we in mamby pamby land?

B.I.T.S.

Thanks MJ! I needed a laugh!

[Denver_2010]

If you have read my posts from this afternoon, you obviously see that I'm having a tough day. I'm sorry for being so whiny folks. I know that I'm blessed with some positives with my situation. I guess that I'm haunted by some "what ifs" and a lot of impatience right now. I have no other place to go vent and get all of this off of my chest.

So yesterday was a good day with W and her family. I was fairly happy with how I handled everything. Today my BIL sent me an email telling me that it was nice to see me and that I "look happy these days" and that even SIL made the same comment after I left. So I know that I did a good job acting "as if" everything is just grand in my world.

If they could only see the slug that I have been today. Woke up thinking about the next steps towards reconciliation with W, questions about what to do with Valentines Day, and the unknown about some of W's comments about being "torn" and "confused". The latter of which sent me into wondering "what if" W tells me that she is "torn" bw our M and OM. This sent me into a tailspin.

Didn't go to work until 1 this afternoon. Wasn't able to focus on anything, so left at 3. To go do what? I guess come here and vent. To let my mind wonder to useless thoughts that serve absolutely no purpose and get me no closer to my goals with W or my own personal happiness.

I have probably posted numerous encouraging posts, with advice that I truly believe, on others' threads today. I kind of feel like a hypocrite in doing so when I am so down and scared about my own situation.

Uggg... sorry everyone. Don't blame you if you stopped reading long ago.

BITS
Denver

[sandi2]

Just shows that you are human. Vent away.

((hugs))

[2stepboogie]

Holy jumping jacks it is not a good day to be a BITS! All of our post are the same.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver, just keep reminding yourself she is talking to you and some good is coming from it. I have an aunt that left her H after 23 years. She packed, left and handed him a card from her A. She told him if he had anything to say to her, he could say it to her A. Yada yada yada, they are both remarried now. Funny part is that my uncle has a wonderful new W and we all love her. He seems really, really happy. My aunt on the other hand did not fair as well...

OK, the point of all this??? Your W is still very actively engaging you and that is AWESOME! Don't worry about her trying to pawn off the invite on our SIL and BIL. The important part is that the invite was there. Remember what I told you the other night about letting her initiate the first date? She wanted you there, but didn't want to ask. So, she pawned if off on them. So, what! She wanted you there. If she didn't, she would not have mentioned it or showed up to be there with you. See my point here? My W was doing the same things. During my "dark" period, I started getting texts from my MIL. "Happy Birthday," "Happy Veterans Day," "Happy Thanksgiving," and so on. In my 15 years with this family, my MIL never did this. Those message weren't from her! They were from my wife through her. I truly think my W was putting my MIL up to this. Hell, my MIL hates my guts right now. Why in the hell would she send me a bunch of texts? Because she had been instructed to...

Keep it up man! Please, please don't let this slip away. You are so close. I hate to say it, but I think we are all living through you and and a few others on here.

BITS never walk alone!!!

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

Thanks FOBD, 2Step and Sandi. It has been a rough day. Went and a few drinks with my dad and step-mom and now feel a little better. I just needed a change of scenery maybe. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. For all of us...

BITS
Denver

[grr]

hi denver
i'm sorry today (or maybe yesterday?) was so tough
i agree with fobd.....you are very close
time is on your side right now, my friend
a year from now, what will these few months matter?
hope you are sleeping well

[Denver_2010]

Update...

My W texted me tonight at 7 or so...

W: "Well, thanks for the help with money the other day. Unfortunately, my student loans accidentally debited me twice today and I will bounce my bills anyway."

I could tell from the tone of the text that she was upset.

Me: "I will call you later. K? It'll be okay."

So, I called her at about 10:15 after I got home from my dad's place. She and step son were on their way home driving through yet another freakin snow storm hitting Denver.

After W told me that she was driving home and some chit chat about the storm, I asked where they had been. She told me that they were at a dinner/jazz club with her music partner Mel watching a big band. Some of the members work with her at the entertainment company that she works for.

She didn't tell me this, so I guess that I don't know for sure, but I do... OM was part of the band. She told me that a "few of the members" work with her and that they were trying to get people out so that they could get this place as a regular gig. I believe her that a few of the members of this band do work with her, but I'm almost positive that OM is one of them.

Anyway, I told her to call me when they were home safely so that she wouldn't be talking while on the road. The whole convo was only about 4 or 5 minutes.

W calls me back about 30 minutes later. We chit chatted about her day, yada yada... she did not ask about mine. She still has shown zero interest with what is going on with me unless it has to do with something that she thinks may be evidence of OW... which there is none.

I ask W what happened with her student loans. She explains the specifics and tells me how her employer, of the entertainment company, might pay her in advance of a show that she is doing in St. Louis this weekend so that she won't have to bounce any checks that she wrote for bills.

I told her "I know that you're not asking me, but I'll help you out if you need it." She told me that she might, that she'd look at her online account later tonight and let me know.

I asked her if she still wanted to go to dinner to talk on Thursday night. She agreed, but said that she'd prefer for it to be earlier rather than later bc she has to pack for her trip and leave early for the airport. We agreed on 6 p.m.

I told her to have a goodnight and to let me know if she needed help with money. She said that she would.

As we were saying goodbye, she said in a very apologetic tone of voice, "Sorry, I know that this is not a reason that you want to be hearing from me."

I didn't really respond to that but told her to just let me know and goodnight.
-------------

I know that it seems that there are some positives with my situation, and maybe there are. And I really don't think that my W's recent attitude is about her using me for money. That has never been her M.O. and she ALWAYS figured this stuff out when she was single and we were just dating. Plus, she has other sources to help her, such as her mom.

BUT, W is beginning to EAT CAKE I think. I guess that we'll see when we have dinner on Thursday.

------

When we got off the phone, I paced around my house breaking down what is happening.

One serious problem that I have, and I have no one to blame but myself for it, is that I painted myself into a corner long ago about how I can be NOW with W while we were married. I was an insensitive a*s a lot of the time about her being responsible for her own finances and just by not being sensitive to what was going on with her or her problems. By always looking at things from a selfish point of view. How her mistakes would affect me.

If I'm like that now, then I'm the same old Denver. I don't want to be that way anymore. And if W and I reconcile I won't be.

The problem lies in that I can't set any boundaries right now. I have to be a doormat without seeming to be a doormat!! Without feeling like a doormat!

Here my W is, bouncing checks left and right, yet she is out spending money going to see this male "friend" playing is some stupid band!! Uhhh!! I guess I don't know that she was spending money, but I'm sure she had a glass of wine or at least something. And the point is that she was out seeing this pr!ck who is NO friend to our M.

Another issue with this money thing is that if we do reconcile, I don't want her finances to be so jacked up that it puts our marital finances in a bad way! What am I suppose to do here?!?!

I think that I've decided that if any of her hesitation, confusion or being "torn" has to do with OM, I am going to tell her to take as much time as she needs and that I'm going to move on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be rude or confrontational about it, but I'm going to remind her that she'd tell me to go f myself if the roles were reversed.

If this happens, I'm going back to square one and seriously reassess if I want to continue this fight.

On the other hand, if her confusion is just about being fearful of coming back to the same old M that we had before or fearful that my changes are not real, then I will continue with what I'm doing.

How is it possible to love someone and want them so much yet feel so much anger and hate for them at the same time?

I'm sick of feeling like I'm being drug naked through the streets by a truck doing 80 mph.

Thursday may be the endgame for me.

BITS
Denver