Think MLC should be my new home

[MsRae]

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've posted.

Some things have changed. Most for the better.

My big volunteer commitment has come to an end. I think I can mention it here since there are over 26,000 volunteers-it'd be hard to pick me out of the crowd. I volunteer with the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. We worked long, hard hours and it was a great time, but I have to admit that I am glad it's over. I was physically exhausted, but I had a break from everything which was really nice.

My H admitted that he is depressed and started on Lexapro. Part of me thinks it's just him looking for the magic pill, but maybe in the long run it will still help him find his way.

He and S12 went to Florida for Spring Training. They were gone for a week and had a blast. I needed the break from him, but I missed my son. He arrived home on Sunday and things have been ok.

Some of the biggest changes are me.

I've been busy getting back to myself and doing things for me.

I get my nails done and pedicures.

I got my hair done.

Some days, I get up and get cute. Some days, I stay in shorts and a ball cap. I do what feels good to me and not what gets a reaction from him. Although, the night he came home from Florida I did try to look nice.

I almost feel like myself again.

I've been digging and digging.

I'm struggling a little. Not with myself but what I want for myself. Doesn't seem like much of a difference but it is.

See, after I found out he cheated, he opened up to me that it always bothered him some that I am so independent. He felt like I didn't need him and that I could take care of myself. He wanted me to be more vulnerable with him. So, I opened up. Really opened myself up all the way. After his father died, he used many of the things I had confided to him against me. He made fun of me and mocked me on more than one occasion.

I don't know that I will ever trust him with "me" again. I think fear and distrust are comfortable companions.

I don't know that I want to.

I've been looking at the resentment I feel towards him in great depth. The parallels between he and my dad are significant.

I don't know if I ever shared this here, but when I went into treatment for anorexia part of my aftercare was to go to OA meetings. (Overeaters anonymous) There were little to no groups for anorexics at the time. I was extremely uncomfortable there and they did little to make me feel welcome. I went to an open AA meeting and just listened. Those alcoholics saved me. The 12 step program saved my life and they welcomed me with open arms.

Part of the steps always stay with you. But I have gone back to the beginning and started at the top again. I have a better support system than I had when I stumbled on here.

I honestly don't know if I want to stay married to him.

There is a weird part of me, and it sounds so shallow, but I want to be the one to leave. I want to be the one to decide. Not him. Isn't that silly?

I sincerely wonder if I only fought so hard to save us because he was the one pulling away. These are the thoughts that run through my head.

I just try to take a deep breath and think on each one as they happen.

I'm ok with the limbo. It buys me time to figure where and how I want to steer this ship.

I've tried for many years to "keep my side of the street clean". In my mind, that's being able to face myself in the mirror each day and be comfortable with the choices and decisions I'm making. The last 18 months aren't something I am happy with. There's nothing comfortable about a confused, clingy, desperate woman.

I'm getting back to being someone I can face everyday. It feels pretty dang good to be back in my own skin...well, getting there anyway.

Blessing to everyone...I've tried to keep up.

Rae

[PEI]

Welcome back Rae ... glad to hear your volunteering went well

There is a weird part of me, and it sounds so shallow, but I want to be the one to leave. I want to be the one to decide. Not him. Isn't that silly?

Silly? No. Safer? Yes. It's much easier on us emotionally to come to terms with being the one who walks away from something. We can justify and rationalize and walk away head held high and esteem (supposedly) in tact. But to be walked away from? To not be chosen? That's tough when we're vulnerable and unsure and walking around on shakey ground as it is ...

Keep diggin' Rae ... we're here ...

Peace
PEI