I was on eHarmony for way too long. I only found one man I was willing to go out on a date with, and once we met, both of us knew we weren't anywhere near a good match. Match was a similar experience. I have a profile on okcupid and plentyoffish, but don't have them active all the time. There is an article on okcupid about why you should never pay for a match site...
It's not much better from the male side of things let me tell you. I'm just a tad north of 50 and while I'm not George Clooney, I'm not Henry Waxman either. Many of the women on the sites I have been on are very physical attraction oriented without wanting to find out who you are. Evidently if they don't feel "sparks" right from the get go then it's not worth spending time getting to know you at all. I've tried dating women who were within 5 years of my age. They either have unrealistic expectations in the looks department or are not interested in dating a guy who has two kids still living at home, especially the women who are at my age or slightly older who have sent their kids off to adulthood. They want someone who is able to drop everything on a moment's notice and go to Tahiti or something.
The other drawback I have found from these dating sights is that you tend to miss out on a very important part of the initial process of just getting to know the person as a person and not as a potential partner. Some women I have met start right out on the 20 question routine and I feel like I am in an interview for a position in their life, instead of just gradually getting to know each other as people who may have things in common and an attraction. I'm not interested in notches in my belt, I would just like to meet someone who is a friend and that grows into something more.
Love the topic! I myself am just about to turn 50 and like everyone here questioning the intent of all online dating sites. Not much luck with POF, singlesnet, or eHarmony. Better with chemistry.com which is an offshoot of match. I have met three nice gents and gone out with one one several times.
Guess I am curious as to where my flirting skills have disappeared after all these years?! This does not come easy to me anymore...I struggle.
BA-I like your comments that you want a friend and see how things develop. Making me reset my expectations.
I love the all acronymns if you frequent CLs==FWB, ISO, BBW, BBM, NSA...makes me chuckle.
Lol - well, I must admit, I am not so worried anymore about being a "notch" on someone's belt. After all, if I choose to accept one of these young guys, it would obviously just be with the intention of a fling on my part too. I'm not saying I'm going to - but I think I am starting to understand it a little. I'm at a point in my life where I could appreciate the fun in a little sexual fling - and they, or course, are at a point in their lives where that's all they want!
I have questioned some of these guys about it, and I really don't think it's just about us being "easy" or "desperate". (After all, let's face it - young girls are so slutty nowadays, guys don't have to date older to find an easy lay. Plus, the more I push them away, the more they seem to like the challenge.) From my "research", I get the feeling they fall into the following categories:
1) Guys who had an early experience with an older woman and it has become kind of a fetish. I've been told about teenage boys jacking off to pictures of their mother's friends, 17 year old boys sleeping with their piano teachers, etc. (I'm not sure I really WANT to be part of some guy's fetish.)
2) Guys who find girls their own age to be vacuous or clingy. (I do think, at my age, I'm much more independent and straightforward, as well as less needy and emotional, than I was in my 20's. So I guess they may have a point there. And if you were a 27 year old guy who didn't want to be in a relationship or get a girl pregnant, but just wanted to have fun....)
3) Guys who just aren't thinking at all about the practicalities of age or stage of life, and are just responding viscerally to someone they find attractive. (And it's still a complete mystery to me that I would be such an object, but there are some women my age who are really beautiful still.)
4) Guys who want a woman to be dominant (I only encountered one of these - yuck).
5) Guys who assume an older woman will be more sexually adventurous or experienced (well, probably true, that )
Surprisingly, what I haven't encountered is guys who are looking for financial support (although they are probably out there) or guys who just can't get women their own age (I'm telling you, these young guys who contact me are cute! None of them would have any difficulty getting dates.)
My thoughts exactly! The 30-something women have no trouble going home with guys right from the start, so I'm not certain it is a total sexual thing with these young guys. The 33 year old I'm communicating with talks about wanting to do actual things (hiking, biking, golf, skiing) it doesn't appear to be simply about the sex. Besides, he's smart, cute, financially stable...he could have plenty of younger girls. I'm still just watching and listening....Haven't decided what to do yet, but if he comes with papers (doctor) I might be persuaded. It could be fun!
BA-thanks for sharing the male perspective; I was hoping someone would. Sounds like our worlds are similar....
I am living life and having a blast; I remain optimistic he will show up. That said, I'm not giving much hope to the online sites even though they advertise how many zillions of matches have been made!
This thread is fantastic, btw!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Oh, and I forgot one category of boys - the ones who claim their "junk" is so enormous that sex with women their age has been problematic. (A claim I would consider entirely dubious if I had not seen photos from one!)
I guess I just look at it as another avenue of meeting people I wouldn't normally meet. The guy I am dating now I met on Match.. he said the women are worse... he said on Friday's the inbox fills up and women are looking for a hookup or insta husband. I have had other guys who are one match confirm this to be quite common. Wanting to move in together with in months of meeting etc... The nice ones are out there you just have to be patient. The guy I am seeing right now.... is not my typical body type of man I have ever dated... just never have and after a few dates I had to ask myself if that was going to be an issue... well everything else is so great... so what if he is a few inches shorter than what i have always dated... he is taller than me so that's good enough. I would have missed a great opportunity if I had dismissed this man because of that. I try to not judge a book by it's cover and I mean that.
Heck even the EXH tells me, women your age are crazy out there!
My guy said he was surprised how quick the women "take it to the gutter'... and that said ,....he's no prude.
But that's not what he is looking for.
I have found from talking to young men in the club during a conversation I was having with a young army captain who had just returned from the war.... that most girls their age aren't thinking and talking. They are involved in jersey shore/ kardashian stuff... (not all of them) it seems the majority of younger girls are just not substantial.. which is fine for a lay but not relationship worthy. After I established that I was way to old for him and he got that ... we had a drink together and some lovely conversation about things. As I was leaving, he looked me in the eye and told me he wished more women his age had more substance to them and that he enjoyed talking with me very much. I think that may be a 'turn on' that they are not used to as much. I am not bashing younger women as i know plenty of articulate smart ones but I think those ladies are either snapped up or few and far between.
BA~ My guy said after a few 1st dates he considered getting a tape recorder for those type of women and pushing play then coming back later to see if they had any questions... he said those dates got boring and turned him off as well. They all had the same 20 questions. I don't think I ask him any of those during our first date. I just thought that was funny!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
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