Wife left me -

[zengypsy]

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[lostnhurt]

LIL,

How do you deal with your W during exchanges (of the kids) and phone calls? My emotions are all over the place esp since I found out about her OM and she moved out. Seeing her knowing she is with someone else eats at me. I still miss her too, so I will sometimes make comments about where or what she is doing, (or who she is doing) which I know I shouldn't be. Same with phone calls. If I have the girls, she will call them at bedtime to say goodnite, and I can tell she is out some where.

I'll say something like "so, you have time to stay out all nite, sleep all day, and still don't have a job". And when I call her to talk to the girls, I just talk to my girls, and I will hear her say to them she wants to talk to me, but I'll just hang up after I say my good nites to the girls before she gets back on the phone.

I just don't want to see her or talk to her at all right now and that impossible to do when you have kids together.

[sandi2]

Ever heard the expression, "cut your nose off to spite your face"? These negative comments you've been making is hurting you more than her. If you want to save your M then you will have to be more attractive than the OM. What is she getting from him that she wasn't getting from you?

You may have to set up arrangements where someone can be the go-between when it's time to exchange the kids. At least, until you can control your emotions better.

[Lostinlife]

LNH,

I was always bummed during exchanges. She always had this smirk on her face, and I struggled dealing with someone who really could care or less if I fell off the face of the earth.

Lately, her or I just send the kids out of the house, and put whatever bag they have on the porch near the door....so no contact.

Yours are 5, and my oldest boy is 5, so this works....I just park in front of her house, and she parks in front of mine.

My hardest times are when we are out and the kids say they wish Mommy was here with us, or they ask why Mommy doesn't live at the house anymore. I just tell them we are working on it, and Daddy is doing his best.

This may put me in the minority, but I see nothing wrong with wondering what she is doing. It proves you still care about your family, and want to do what is right.

I got my boys a cell phone that is used just for contact...it is worth the $40/month to me.

If the mods allow, I can leave a little used email addy I have, and we can move it to my normal email after you contact....

Our sitches are so similar, we can probably really help each other.

I don't want to violate the board though...

[sandi2]

Do what??? A five yr old kid with a cell phone??

What kind of message does that give your W? Besides, your child cannot be expected to have that kind of responsibility.

If anything, it will probably cause more problems for the child than would ever be worth the cell phone.

[Lostinlife]

the cell was so that I could call....alot of times she was on the phone and never would answer the call waiting....

she turned into someone impossible to deal with.

[Lostinlife]

And really, at this point I don't care what sort of message it sends to her....a bowl of soup is used for a reason to get divorced.

Some WAS's are hostile, and will do anything to torture the LBS, there comes a time when being the attractive choice, or to keep showing them respect when they show you none is out the window.

If the WAS won't answer the phone, because she is on the phone or waiting for a call, then a cell I pay for guarantees 15 minutes a night with my kids...well guess what? I'm doing it.

She made this minefield, I have to navigate it.

[lostnhurt]

Ever heard the expression, "cut your nose off to spite your face"? These negative comments you've been making is hurting you more than her. If you want to save your M then you will have to be more attractive than the OM. What is she getting from him that she wasn't getting from you?

I know, you're right, but she took 1/2 our savings, pissed away thru 8k so far in less than 3 months while I work 70 plus hour a week. She now only has the girls 50% of the time and does what ever she wants during her free time. She should be looking for a job. One of the reasons she said she wanted to go back to school was so she could support herself and the girls and not depend on me. (She's been a sahm for last 5 years) So far, Im still supporting all of us, while she does what ever she wants with her free time, it completely pisses me off. And I paid for her school!

She doing with OM what her and I never took time to do, get out and have some fun. And Im sure he's telling her all the things she wants to hear. Without going into my entire story again, we've had a tough 5 years since the girls were born. But right now she's being completely irresponsible, selfish, and dishonest.

I will try to put my emotions in check from now on, its just not easy when the person I loved, trusted and was my best friend, I feel is completely screwing me and our girls over.

LIL - so far all of the exchange have been at my house, she still has lots of things here, and always has to come in and get a few things. She would actually come in and start a load of laundry, including some of my clothes, or wash some dishes, made me ice tea once, but I asked her to stopped doing things like that for me, that I could do them myself. Im not sure why she would do that, but I felt like I had to let her know I could handle those things on my own.

So far my W and I have been good at making sure whom ever has the girls, the other gets to talk to them at nite before bed. If we miss each other for some reason, she will call me, or I will call her. I always want the girls to be able to talk to their mother when ever they want, and my W does same for me. Both of us having equal time with the girls seems to be the one thing we agree on.

It just bother me that we have to split time with them at all, kids should have both their parents, not 1/2 and 1/2.

That really tough that your W make it difficult to talk to your kids when she has them, my W apt is literally 5 mins away and I would be knocking at her door if she played games like that with me.

Sandi2 is right tho, one of my problems is, and has been, I lead with my emotions, and it always backfires on me. Its something Ive been aware of now for 10 months, and still do it.

[lostnhurt]

Well, another day, more lies. I don't get why she still denies she's now with OM. (I'm not asking either, she'll just say she's one place, when I know for a fact she's with him) After all she's moved out and want's D, why continue to deny? Can anyone explain that one to me.

She's become so irresponsible, selfish and dishonest. The complete opposite of what she's always been.

I feel like I've become convenient 'babysitter' for when she wants to go out. How do I become 'more attractive' when I feel like Ive been completely betrayed? The OM is a loser, chews tobacco, missing teeth, and also has no job, hence why he was in medical assisting school.

The hardest part is I still have to deal with her on almost a daily basis because of our kids, its like torture. If I didnt have to talk to her or see her anymore, this would be a lot easier.

my 2 cents for today....

[lostinscared]

Lostnhurt,

I am so very sorry that you are hurting right now. I understand the devastation of the lies. My H wouldn't know what the truth was if it came up and smacked him straight upside his stupid little head (no, I'm not angry ).

Here's the thing... it would not be easier if you didn't have to see her. Go over and ask Dixie who is in a tremendous amount of pain. What's your end goal here?? Do you want to stay married, are you not sure or are you out completely? I get the impression that you want to stay M. If that is true, then you have to stop saying what you are saying. How do I know? I was angry and I let it fester and it showed. Sure, I could plaster on that stupid little smile, but I could not put my anger away. My H is now leaving. And you know what? I said the same things you did. I wanted him out and I didn't want to see him. Now I'm devastated.

My heart goes out to you. It is so hard to go through what you are going through and watching the destruction of your family. It is especially hard to watch your W go out with a "loser" and not be angered by that. My hunch is, though, that situation is probably pretty short-lived in the main scheme of things. Where are you going to be when that happens? That's what you need to decide. But try to put the anger away if you can (I'm struggling with that myself). You are only hurting yourself in the end. You have done great with being a responsible parent and a responsible H trying to find any means to save his marriage. You deserve peace.

My prayers are with you.

LIS