Lighthouse lit until WAW comes out of fog 2

[habitacker]

I have to admit the GAL part is a struggle. I have been so detached from W and family, it seems very wrong to do more of the same.

I am trying to figure out what to do for myself. My most successful 180 or GAL has been my relationship with my kids. It has been great. It didn't take much at all, and they were on me like static cling. I wish it could be as easy with W.

All my time has been focused on the kids. This has been great, but it is taking it's toll. I need something else.

We live in a very small town about 50 miles from anything. The only thing we have is a local bar. I tried going tonight, there were 5 people there which were regulars, if you know what I mean. I was back home in 10 minutes. I have to do something, I am going to go nuts.

Another problem is that when I do leave the house, I feel like I am just leaving her at home with the kids. I don't want her to feel like I can just go do whatever I want because she is there to watch the kids. This would be more of the same.

She never complained about this, but she did mention something about her doing stuff with the kids all the time, which is her life, but doesn't remember what she used to do for fun.

Now we both sit here wandering what we used to do for fun. Well the answer is, that we had eachother for fun, now we are lost because we don't have that. We were probably to dependant on eachother, but when things were good, that was fine.

My very big, expensive, time consuming hobby's have ended. They had to. W thinks I ended them because of what is happening, but she is wrong, it needed to end. My kids were growing up and I was missing it. I was realizing this all summer long, way before the bomb.

So for about a year or more now, I have noticed that I needed to change my life. I was beginning to grow up and see what I wanted to do, and bam, the bomb. It seems like such a shame. I was ready to make a change that probably would of kept all this from happening, but I just didn't make it in time.

Getting hit with the 2x4 sure speeded things up, but it is such a shame that she thinks all of my changes are because of the bomb, when I was already beginning them before. I wish I would of just woke up a year earlier.

Anyway, my new hobby is my kids, but that isn't enough if you know what I mean. I need something more personal, I just don't know what other than my W.

[SDFoundGirl]

First, good for you for doing more things with your kids. That was a needed change, and I guarantee your wife is noticing. Yes, she might think it's "just because" of the bomb (the kids and dropping the hobbies)...my H thought the same thing. What's going to get her attention is your steadfast commitment to those changes.

In short, your ACTIONS, not your WORDS, are what get her attention.

What interests do you have? What have you always wanted to do, but haven't? During my sitch, I started going to Meetup.com groups for movie watching, photography, hiking, travel, sushi, and a whole bunch of other things. That was a HUGE 180 for me, as I've struggled with social anxiety for most of my life. It was something my H didn't understand at all, so doing these things got his attention too. I also started exercising, walking probably 3-5 miles/day and going to yoga. The exercise was HUGELY important--activity helps work out all of those nerves and anxiety.

So, I know you're 50-miles away from anything. What would be the problem with going that 50-miles once every week or two weeks to engage in an activity you'd like to try? If you're worried about your W resenting being home with the kids, you could offer to stay home with them so she could do the same.

"W, I want to do XYZ every couple of weeks, so I'd appreciate it if you could watch the kids on those days. If you'd like to make plans out of the house any day, just let me know and I'll be happy to stay with the kids so you can go out too."

That's IT. No explanations, nothing. Just a friendly, fair offer to share the workload.

Do you have friends where you live? Start spending some time with them. No need for the bar; go shoot hoops, watch a game, play cards. Having company is important. My H dropped the bomb after we moved to a new city, so I had NO ONE at first. Remember that I also had social anxiety, so it was a double blow...truly about the cruelest thing I think H could have done.

But...I sucked it up, went to Meetup groups, and made friends I still have today. It was such a relief to be around someone who didn't look at me like I was the junk on the bottom of their shoe.

There are also lots of other hobbies you could take on at home. Writing, art (don't worry about being good on either of those...just do it, because the act of creation is soooo fun and healthy!), photography, puzzles...what are your interests???

It's essential to discover what you want to do with your free time. It's not healthy to have everything wrapped up in your spouse. Even now, my H have things we do together and things we enjoy that we do apart. It gives us a lot to talk about when we reconnect after doing those things. I relied too heavily on my H for my fun and happiness...and in the end, it was poison to me and our M.

Hope that helps,

SD

[habitacker]

I will have to take some time to think about this.

She mentioned in out talk that she doesn't remember what she did for herself that was fun, or what made her happy. I think she feels like she lost her identity.

I feel guilty going out, and it is hard to offer her equal time to go out and do something when she never does anything, she never has. She really has no friends other than the people she works with.

I have tried to remember what she did for fun, or what made her happy. The only thing I can come up with is me. I remember her having fun and being happy with me.

I do not understand why she feels I did something to take away her identity. The only thing I can come up with is that over the years I got involved with hobby's and so much other stuff. I had a life other than her, she didn't. Maybe that is what happened, she depended on me completely for her happiness, somewhat the way I am for her since the bomb. For our 8 dating years, and our first 3 or 4 years of marriage nothing else was involved other than eachother, and it was great, but when I started spending so much time on things such as hobby's, it left her with not much.

It must be like you say, being to dependant on eachother for happiness can be dangerous. It is wonderful when you both give 100% of our attention to eachother, but when other interests get involved on only one side of the sitch, someone gets left out in the cold if they have nothing else in their lives.

I got so busy, I didn't do much with her. She didn't know what to do without me. Now, I don't know what to do without her, and she wants nothing to do with me. What a vicious circle.

[Bolt]

the thing is, she is the only one who can find that out. My W had to literally go back to where she grew up to help find out who she was. I'm lucky in the fact that she found out and realized she has a pretty good life right now.

If you try to help her, she may resent it. It's a slippery slope because if you were her happiness, you want to be there for her.

Maybe it's time for a little talk regarding that? Be understanding but don't necessarily give solutions.

[habitacker]

Bolt, I think you are correct, but I am going to take my time and wait for a good opportunity.

Of course I waited for her to come to me so I could give the validation talk and I finally had to make the move first, which I think turned out ok.

I have been so stuck on not going to her for R talk. This is basic DBing, but I know my wifes personality, and she doesn't take the first step very often. So if I am going to have to make the move, it will have to be good timing, and well thought out.

It would be kind of hard to tell her the thing she is missing in her life that used to make her happy is me. I bet she would find that hard to believe.

[habitacker]

Does anyone have any knowledge on the book, "Marriage and other acts of charity"? Thanks.

[sandi2]

It would be kind of hard to tell her the thing she is missing in her life that used to make her happy is me. I bet she would find that hard to believe.

I wouldn't advise you to tell her that.

It sounds as if your W not only depended on you to make her happy, but she allowed herself to be defined by you. She isn't happy with herself so she blames you. I'm not certain that you are the one to explain that to her. Not only would she find it hard to believe, but she would resent it.

I don't know what it might take to get a fire under her, but as long as she can point a finger at you and say you're to blame for everything negative in her life, then she will never grow as a person.

I'm not just trying to find words to say here...I really believe she needs to learn to be "responsible" for her own happiness. And, you need to refuse to take the responsibility for her happiness! Can you see that you have been taking the responsibility for that?

I understand that you feel bad about being gone so much in the past and all that revolved around it, but trying to make amends by becoming her happiness will not hold up. There are some things that a person has to learn for themselves or have an outside person guide them. I think this is one of those things.

It's not being mean, but it may be difficult, b/c you want to help her so much. It's like applying tough love. If truth be known, there have been many M's to come to an end simply b/c the W or H was trying to find happiness.....and the problem was the individual, not their S.

[habitacker]

Thanks sandi, I understand what you are saying. I suppose what got me thinking about this was in our talk last week she had mentioned that she doesn't remember what made her happy.

I have been thinking about this a bunch. Looking back I am trying to find what made her happy. I can see why she can't find it. She never had any hobby's, and had no friends that she ever went out with. She has friends at work, but it ends at work.
I have had a huge hobby for years, and friends I went out with, but I realize I wasn't happy either. This kind of explains where anger was coming from.

When I look back to when we were both happy, all we had was eachother. We made eachother happy, there was nothing else.

I am told that we can not depend on eachother for happiness, we both need other things in our lives, but we were both happy when all we had was eachother. When I got hobby's and friends I was not there for her. I know she should do the same, but then again, my hobby's and friends did not make me happy, I was happiest when it was all her and I. I believe it was the same for her.

I know she is searching for something. There is a article lying here by the computer that is titled, "Welcome to the 9 rooms of happiness". from Self magazine. I see there is an order confirmation E-mail that she ordered this book and researched the one I posted above, but did not order it. I take this as a sign that maybe she is taking a step, but maybe I shouldn't.

Sorry, writing in a hurry, it is probably pretty icky.

Thanks again.

[habitacker]

Just after getting over what to do on christmas, now valentines day is here. Not only valentines day, but our 20th year anniversary of being together.

I have this giant banner that says Happy Valentines Day (wifes name). 20 years ago in the middle of the night during a blizzard I covered the front of her high school with it, and had her locker filled with roses. This is how I got her attention to go out with me. A picture of the school even made the local newspaper.

I have gone from extreme pursuing 20 years ago, to not even knowing if I can give her a card this year.

[sandi2]

I have this giant banner that says Happy Valentines Day (wifes name). 20 years ago in the middle of the night during a blizzard I covered the front of her high school with it, and had her locker filled with roses. This is how I got her attention to go out with me. A picture of the school even made the local newspaper.

WOW! You obviously have a great imagination! Don't think of the old fall-back plan of card, flowers & candy, b/c you need something very different due to your stitch.

What day is your wedding anniversary?