Lighthouse lit until WAW comes out of fog 2

[SDFoundGirl]

She doesn't talk about R. We never have, other than D-day. I have been waiting to validate her feelings, but she never shows any. Hiding like she has done for years.

Back when she told you about her C appointment, you missed an opportunity to do this. I can't remember everything you said, but it sounded like pursuit instead of just listening. When she said, "I've made up my mind," you replied something like, "You want to work on our M?" Instead, something like, "It's good to have clarity," or something neutral would be better.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

I lived in the same house as my H during our whole sitch, and we reconciled after 5 months. It was then another 2-3 years before I felt like I could say we were really solid and past the sitch. Mind you, H was in IC (and had been before the bomb, unbeknownst to me), I was in IC (post-bomb), and we started weekly MC pretty quickly after the bomb. H offered it, and I took it, though he said he was pretty sure he'd never be able to get his feelings back.

My H was also pursuing a woman at work. I found love letters he'd been writing and revising with a red pen (the careful revisions in red pen are still what kill me), and it was everything in me not to go downstairs, wake him up, and throw him out. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I did it, because acting out of emotion is never good.

So, what worked for me? What are the reasons I think I was able to reconcile my sitch?

1. I GAL like a crazy woman. GAL not only gives the spouse space, but it will improve your mood. Happy people are attractive, and happy people who "shouldn't" be happy (in the WAS mind at least) are mysterious. My H caught me singing and dancing in my nice new underwear one night when I was getting ready to go out. I didn't intend for him to see me, but it was one of those happy accidents.

Don't expect to be instantly happy when you GAL. You have to fake it 'til you make it sometimes. Getting out allowed me to focus on something other than my sitch for a while, and that helped a lot.

2. I treated H like a roommate. He was in the spare bedroom by his request, and I knew I needed to not pursue. So, I went about my business as if he was just my roommate. If he came home while I was there, I'd make pleasant, detached, brief conversation, and I let him initiate most of it. If he wanted to watch something on TV, I'd often go into my bedroom to watch a movie on my computer or surf. He asked for space, so I gave it to him.

3. I did my 180s to the point I could without pursuing him. He wanted more physical touch (one of his complaints), but he didn't really want it from me RIGHT THEN. WAS's are repulsed by us to an extent, so anything "romantic" is a turn off. Those 180's can be put into place once the spouse is open to it. He also wanted compliments, so I thanked him for taking out the trash or some of those roommate sort of things.

4. I reached the mental place where I know that while I PREFERRED to be married to my H, I COULD SURVIVE JUST FINE without him. That's detachment. Incidentally, it was just another few weeks after I reached that point that we reconciled.

5. If the OW would have been interested in my H, I think the situation would have been much longer and complicated. He'd started developing feelings for her in February, dropped the bomb on me in May, and went on all-out pursuit in June. She led him on a bit, but I always knew (I'd been around her) that she didn't feel tingly about my H. Part of what helped my sitch was she started dating a mutual friend of theirs who was also no friend to our M. I think H finally realized she wasn't interested and started to invest more into MC. It also helped that I listened like crazy and let H lead the MC sessions until he had nothing else to bring up. He'd been doing a lot of mind-reading, and our MC was excellent at pointing that out and helping us develop communication skills.

This is what worked for me, and now I have a really great marriage. It took a lot of work, a lot of conscious effort to become happy ON MY OWN (we tend to rely on our spouses to "make" us happy, when that's really OUR responsibility), and a lot of restraint when I wanted to R talk or lash out or cry or pursue or whatever.

Good luck!

SD

[habitacker]

SDfoundgirl, thank you so much for your story and thoughts.

About your first post, you are right, I did miss that opportunity didn't I?

At the time I wasn't looking to validate her feelings, I didn't know at the time.

Back then: I started that R talk. Tried to get her to work on marriage. Turned into her telling me she wants a D.

Now: I again had to go to her for conversation, going in it to validate her feelings this time. She said it was a nice talk.

I like the results of the 2nd conversation better.

[2stepboogie]

habit,

It's nice to see that after such a long time you are starting to see some progress. Slow and don't get over zelous but recognize the small victories! That convo was a small victory.

[Denver_2010]

GREAT post SD. Thank you!

[habitacker]

Thanks 2step, I am not sure if it is progress, but I will take it, whatever it is.

Nothing seems different since the talk, but I did not have expectations. Maybe a few hopes,but not expectations.

I take it as a step that had to be done to allow her to breath.

Sure, I would love to see some sort of change instantly, but I know that isn't going to happen. Hopefully it is just going to take time for her to absorb what happened, if she can.

[Bolt]

habit, it was a step forward, definitely!
Take what SD posted to heart and follow it. I was pretty lucky in that I didn't have to endure a ton of time - NOT to say I'm out of the woods but still...

It takes different durations for different folks. Look at what you accomplished as a small victory and keep moving ahead. Chances are, the W WILL want to talk more eventually. Keep GAL and detach. She said the convo was good so she will want to do that again - ONLY when she wants to. If you're in her face, she won't want to.

If you away from her, she may.

Dude, it's tough but I can say that you should do the OPPOSITE of what you want to do. I know it doesn't make sense but for some reason, that works.

You are on the right track even if that train is barely moving. It will pick up steam.

[Bolt]

SD - great to hear and thanks for giving us all inspiration!!!

[angel61]

SD,
I see a lot of parallels between your story and mine. Thanks for posting! I like your statement: "I PREFERRED to be married to my H, I COULD SURVIVE JUST FINE without him" and I am feeling like that too, more and more!

[SDFoundGirl]

Sure, I would love to see some sort of change instantly, but I know that isn't going to happen. Hopefully it is just going to take time for her to absorb what happened, if she can.

This is a marathon, not a sprint, and piecing is 100x as hard as this part. You have to maintain detachment and take responsibility for your happiness even when times are good. It's when I forget that (or H does) that we fall into trouble.

SD