Is it "too late for me?"

[TooLateForMe]

(this is a dual post, so forgive. I just want to maximize the possible advice.)

Where to begin?

All the chaos and madness seems to be settling. I've reached some sort of calm centered-ness and I'm wondering how to proceed.

It's been almost a year and a half and I've gone through quite a lot of grief and misery to end up here.

I'm almost 200 miles from W and kids and went down on Sunday to visit DDs. The first thing I was struck by was how gorgeous my W looked. I couldn't take it and spent the visit focusing on the girls and barely looking at her.

I'm still in love with her. Passionately, and far more than I ever was before. It [censored] because I've been working on getting over her and moving forward. That whole mentality came in the midst of a bout of mind-bending anger/bitterness/resentment I felt toward her.

A friend brought over Eat, Pray, Love and we watched it together. At first, I hated the main character for being so cavalier about dismissing her relationships. At the end she dances with her imaginary husband and I realized I had to just love my W and miss her (see the movie).

I even let her know this was where I stood and my goal was to get over her. Then I saw her.

When she commented on her weight I told her how attractive I thought she looked. I spent the rest of the day with DDs at the mall but managed to sneak in a text reiterating my attraction (not too aggressively, mind you).

I left fairly early because I didn't want to come across as cloying. When I got home she broke down (via text) about how worried she was about her dad. She hadn't told me how far his lymphoma had progressed and how he was suffering. Apparently he hasn't had any treatment for the cancer. I spent the night reassuring her, horrified by her sadness.

Since then I've researched means of payment for uninsured cancer patients and sent her the links I've found.

I'm sensing some detachment and plan on backing off from the chit chat for a while.

I still love her -- even more than ever before.

She's involved with someone in another state and I know she visits him frequently and likely talks to him a lot. She claims she's in love with this person, but I don't completely buy it. She started the R less than a month after the breakup and he lives pretty far away.

Now what? I saw her and couldn't believe there was such a thing as life without her. I want her, not as she was, but as she is. It's been a year and a half. I've dated someone else and couldn't get over my W. I've tried hating her. If I fail, I fail, but I want to try.

[hope2011]

Wow. I think you need a couple of weeks to absorb everything from the visit. Do you miss HER or being with her and your girls? You got a face-to-face reminder of what you've lost... plus her physical changes... I imagine that was really, really hard. But I think if you take some time to absorb it and not react to it all now in the middle of this flashback euphoria, you would get better footing and make better choices in DB. Especially if you feel her pulling away again.

Loved what you said about the end of movie - I felt the same way when I saw it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Mark,

Not a big fan of blowing sunshine.
You have alot going on, so does she. The distance being a big one. The OM even bigger.

That being said, she didn't have to open up to you. She didn't have to talk to you about her fears about her father, but she did.

See if that continues.

Move slowly and react accordingly.

[TooLateForMe]

Wow. I think you need a couple of weeks to absorb everything from the visit. Do you miss HER or being with her and your girls? You got a face-to-face reminder of what you've lost... plus her physical changes... I imagine that was really, really hard. But I think if you take some time to absorb it and not react to it all now in the middle of this flashback euphoria, you would get better footing and make better choices in DB. Especially if you feel her pulling away again.

Loved what you said about the end of movie - I felt the same way when I saw it.

It's entirely the opposite of a reminder of what was. A lot has changed and I've visited before. It's just her. Maybe also an openness that came about through a new, more open perspective. Whatever it is, it was shocking and gut-level. Trust me, I've had to deal with a lot of "what once was" issues. I'm learning to let the past go.

I feel connected to her. It's just tragic that she doesn't feel the same.

Don't get me wrong, I get the need to take in the info and assess. That gut-level clarity was unexpected but difficult to dismiss.

[TooLateForMe]

And there isn't a physical change in my W. There's a change in me. She's the same, but somehow more beautiful than ever. It seems unfair that this change comes now when it could have saved my M.

Then again, I'm better for having survived the anguish of the last year or so. I really don't expect to save my M. It isn't a practical outcome, but I want it.

[TooLateForMe]

In all honesty I just wish I could call it done and walk away, smiling and wishing her the best. That seems to be the path of least resistance and I'd love to give her the gift of moving forward.

I'm like a moth to a flame. I feel "warmed" by her presence.

That sounds silly, I'm sure. I struggle to maintain some balance each day. Any sane person would have given up by now and lost all interest. I wonder if something is broken inside me. I know I can find someone who loves me completely but I still adore a woman who clearly doesn't want me.

How can I objectively decide what to do? And how do I silence my passion for her if I realize it's time to quit?

Mostly, I'm practicing a giving love and focusing on not expecting a return, that it is what I feel and it must run its course.

I do feel content in who I am and no longer "need" her. I think the next step is to practice being in the moment, to focus on myself and shoo away the errant thoughts I have of her.

[TooLateForMe]

I say "clearly doesn't want me." But if I knew that for sure I wouldn't be as confused.

Once upon a time I thought I didn't want her. But I did. I can't really know what she wants deep down, especially when I didn't know what I wanted.

I guess I'm babbling, throwing words against the wall to see what sticks.

[hope2011]

Keep throwing it out there, it helps to sort through it all. I do the same thing. Half of what I say doesn't even make sense and I bounce all over the place and am in the desperately hurting phase still... but it sure beats keeping it all inside. Vent, talk, bounce.

"Clearly doesn't want me".... I hate to be blunt... but no, she doesn't. But not clearly. If she wanted you, she'd be with you or more open. BUT she may still not know what she wants. I'm not saying it's not a lost cause... I'm saying that right now, at this moment, she doesn't. So do be in the moment and focus on you. If she changes her mind, she will tell you. The point is, you need to continue living your life without her unless something changes. You've made a lot of progress in the past year doing that, right? Don't backslide now.

Now, throw this advice back in my face because I good at giving advice but never taking my own! I understand the pain you're in, I really do. Keep bouncing words here.

[TooLateForMe]

Right now I'm wondering what the right level of contact is as well as what kind is best.