Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

I guess I'll start a new thread because I'm in a new place now of sorts while I'm also cycling back pretty frequently, at least it seems that way to me.

I need to work on detachment more than acceptance/forgiveness. I feel like that is my main problem.

But a more bothersome issue for me that I want to get everyone's perspective on is the fact that I feel like my life isn't real anymore. I don't know if I can explain this but here goes.

I have learned how to do everything I need to survive as far as do my job, care for my house and pets, be a good friend and daughter and sister, do my research, read, have fun, laugh, and even get along with my STBXH at a distance. But I also feel like none of that is "real." I feel like it's all going through motions. I feel outside myself, like I am watching myself do all these things, but I'm not "there."

What is real to me? The pain and hurt and anguish and the feeling of limbo. Not limbo that he's still "making his decision." He's not. MY limbo. Limbo that my life is a nightmare. It's a nightmare from which I cannot wake no matter how hard I try.

Did you ever get fixated on something before and it took over your thoughts almost 24-7? I'm sure you have. You had an appointment you dreaded, or you were worried about your kid, or you were bothered about the way some event turned out. You fixated on it. For awhile. But whether that fixation lasted for a week or a month, that was it. Eventually it was over (the fixation).

I feel like I am fixated on "trauma"--a general vague feeling of a mental picture of my H and just all of it wrapped into one word: trauma. And it has been this way for just over 7 months. And it shows NO SIGN of going away. And this feels more real to me than anything else.

It doesnt' matter how much I do or get involved in or distract myself. It won't go away. It feels like I'm losing my grip on reality because this seems more real to me than everything else. And as a result, I feel like I'm not living my life. I feel like I'm in a nightmare I cannot wake from no matter how hard I try.

Is this normal? I keep saying when does it ever end. It just won't end. I don't know how long I can take the feeling of watching myself walk through life.

Strangely enough, I feel I can't get detachment from the situation, yet I feel entirely detached from reality/myself.

[kissak]

I understand how you feel. I feel like my H is fixated in my mind 24/7. I hate it. Honestly I feel like it will never go away until I have a new person in my life to love. Thats just the feeling I have. I hate that HE is always there, in my mind. I feel like some days Im just here as well. But its got to get better. It will get better. We just gotta let go. ANd that takes time.

[hope for zen]

I have heard what the LBS goes through described as a sort of PTSD. The sudden change in your life with little or no warning then the well meaning advice to move on just seem to add to the feeling of being disconnected from reality. I know how disturbing that feeling is and I would guess many others here do too. I have cycled through there a few times, but it sounds like you feel stuck. How long have you been feeling disconnected? Does it come and go or stick to you?

(((hugs)))

[Cyrena]

Hi Antonia,

I can so relate to everything you're saying. However, try to remember that although 7 months feels like a lifetime at the moment, it is not really that long. I promise you, things will get better.

You talk about feeling as though you're fixating on trauma. To me, it also felt as though I was fully alive for the first time in years--the pain was so intense, so omnipresent, and I was forced to face all sorts of questions about what sort of person I wanted to be, what I valued most in life and relationships, and what changes I wished to make for myself. In retrospect, I'm so grateful that I had this opportunity, and can admit I'd never have had it if we'd continued in our ruts.

Your life is not real any more in the sense that it has changed, forever. And you do need time to grieve that. Give yourself time to be authentic about how you feel at each stage, and you will find that detachment (and acceptance and forgiveness) will come to you when you reach the appropriate stage in your journey.

(((Antonia)))

[beatrice]

My therapist told me that this [which I also experienced] is a normal response to trauma and shock. We have a kind of PTSD to work through.

You had a terrible shock - the bomb, which almost all of us here have had, usually comes out of a clear blue sky. OK looking back we might see signs, with the benefit of hindsight. But we were living in the belief that our relationsihp was secure. And then our life is turned upside down, our spouse usually turns and blames us, and life gets very very nasty for a while.

As the dust gradually settles we are still shell shocked. You need specialist therapy, imo, to deal with this. It is normal but hard to work through on your own.

Keep your expectations of yourself low. Expect good days and bad days. Try and find 6 good things at the end of each day that have happened. It is a good exercise anway. it can be as simple as having a really good cup of coffee, or the sun shining. All I can say is that I have been there, and thought I would be there for ever, and now I am not.

For me the biggest problem was that my husband turned overnight, into someone neither I nor my children recognised any more. I cannot talk to him, touch him or even see him. He is totally gone. In some ways it is worse than Alzheimer's which my dad died of, The person they were has toally gone, and you cannot explain it to another living soul. Only the people here know what we are even talking about - that and the therapist.

The feeling of unreality is hardly surprising in the circumstances. We are dealing with someone who insists that their altered reality is the way the world really is, and nothing makes sense anymore.

You describe it awfully well btw

[TAMF]

Antonia - I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we all do. Everyone telling us to detach, GAL - and you try! And you do! but it isn't the same because there is always the lingering pain...simmering in the back of our brain.

How many times in the last couple months that I have had my closest and dearest friends/family tell me I am not the same, I have changed. They don't like this change. I am not always smiling, happy, laughing and making everyone around me feel good. I am not this person anymore. I am not carefree like I used to be.

I am still figuring out who I am. Change is not a bad thing, just different and friends and family will get used to it eventually.

I think time is the answer to your feelings. time will give you clarity. YOUR LIMBO will pass eventually.

Just keep doing what you are doing and one day you will smile because you will not be outside looking in any longer. You will be the new you and you will be happy.

[ericmsant2]

Antonia,

I have so much to say here but I’ll try to keep it short.

I feel like I'm not living my life

Before I give you my opinion I want you to think for a second about this quote up there.

What is YOUR life Antonia? What is it that YOU want in YOUR life? What and how do you see your life going? Are you not in control of it? IMO, write down what you want your life to be like. Write down everything..what you want to do for work, what kind of car you want to drive, do you want children, do you want a partner, if so, what traits must he or she have. Really write down everything that YOU want. Then begin to start living it.

Here is what I see in your post and FTR something that I am dealing with right now.

Let me start with these three words…

FEAR

TRUST

ACCEPTANCE

Ya know the best way for me to make my point to YOU Antonia is to use myself as an example. Here goes..

So I started this process of standing, of trying to save my M. What I did not realize initially was just how f*cked up I was, that is not to relieve my W of her issues or her crisis. No – it is just an acknowledgement of the issues that I brought into the M. It is my ownership of my role in this demise of my M. So, when I started to stand I did not see how codependent, insecure, afraid I was. Not to mention controlling and manipulative, which are behaviors spawned from the huge fear of abandonment. After many, many months and God knows how many 2x4’s I begin to realize the “work” that I needed to do in me. Before I go on Antonia, I want to tell you that to this day I still, struggle with the fear of abandonment and as a result some of the controlling behaviors. So my advice is to ACCEPT that any changes you/we must make will take TIME and are not easy.

What is real to me?

Sounds to me that you too are struggling with “feeling comfortable” with your changes. For me, I still struggle with it. Who am I, what am I, why do I feel so weird? What is it about me that just “feels” different? What I think I have come to understand is that we are just beginning to accept and feel the changes in ourselves that we have worked so hard to make.

For me, I still struggle with TRUSTING these changes. TRUSTING myself. Am I being fake? Am I for real? Is this all a bunch of bullchit? Have I been brainwashed by a bunch of people spread out across the country?

So what do I do with all of these feelings? I feel them, I talk to my closest friends (you guys know who you are). I look in the mirror and promise myself to be real with me. I am facing the FEAR of change. I and learning to TRUST my feelings and TRUST my ability to change and become all that I want to be. I am also ACCEPTING of my life. I accept that I will and at this point WANT to be divorced. I accept that I choose to be with someone else. I trust that I will make mistake and that I will learn from them. I ACCEPT that no one can tell me how to live my life. I face the FEAR of abandonment. I face the fear that constantly questions myself, my motive. Why do I not stand and fight for what I believe in? answer: FEAR. Why have I not accepted what is? Answer: FEAR.

Antonia, I am scheduled to go to court on Friday 1/14. I have not heard back from my attny, I have no idea of what to expect, none – not one fu*king clue. Guess what? Like it or NOT I am facing that FEAR. Like it or not I will TRUST that what will be, will be. I have accepted that I have chosen to live a certain way. My choice. I am not starting to feel more comfortable with my choices. Are they right? Who the f*ck knows. What I know is that they are my choices. What I will do is trust myself to make the right choice. Trust that NOT everything is in my control. Trust that all of this, live, love, everything….just is. Things will happen when, where and with whom when they are supposed to happen.

So my simple advice is LET GO….of everything in your life that you knew. Trust yourself, trust your intuition. Do not be afraid of change. It is natural and normal. Painful? Yes.

I need to work on detachment more than acceptance/forgiveness.

NOT just from YOUR H but from everything that holds you back from YOUR happiness!

I have learned how to do everything I need to survive as far as do my job, care for my house and pets, be a good friend and daughter and sister, do my research, read, have fun, laugh, and even get along with my STBXH at a distance. But I also feel like none of that is "real."

IMO, this is a change for you. You are amazed that you are finding happiness and yet it does not feel real. Well it is Antonia! It is if you chose to make it real. All ya need to do is TRUST in YOURSELF.

What is real to me? The pain and hurt and anguish and the feeling of limbo. Not limbo that he's still "making his decision." He's not. MY limbo. Limbo that my life is a nightmare. It's a nightmare from which I cannot wake no matter how hard I try.

Antonia, I held on so long for so many things. The house, the kids, my w, the old M, the old R, life as I knew it. Letting go was very scary, extremely. More than I care to admit and FTR I think I am still struggling with letting go. The nightmare you talk about IMO, is not a nightmare. It is an internal fight that you are having. YOU are struggling with letting go. You are worry and scared to trust yourself. Insecurities may be screaming. Face the f*ckers Antonia.

Did you ever get fixated on something before and it took over your thoughts almost 24-7? I'm sure you have. You had an appointment you dreaded, or you were worried about your kid, or you were bothered about the way some event turned out. You fixated on it.

IMO, anyone on these boards should raise there hand and say that was me. So why do we fixate on what we cannot control? Hmmm….ask yourself this question. For me, it was fear of abandonment. Fear of acceptance. So to avoid the fear you want to control chit. Let it go Antonia…let it all go.

It doesnt' matter how much I do or get involved in or distract myself. It won't go away. It feels like I'm losing my grip on reality because this seems more real to me than everything else. And as a result, I feel like I'm not living my life. I feel like I'm in a nightmare I cannot wake from no matter how hard I try.

Change Antonia is HARD! Very HARD! In some way our STBX’s are right in their thought that we could not change. They were right in terms of the length of time it takes (at least that is my opinon). True change take time and trust in oneself.

I feel entirely detached from reality/myself.

Do me a favor….go stare in the mirror at yourself. Look at yourself closely. Accept Antonia, that you are changing. Accept that you are becoming a different person. Accept that deep down in YOUR core you are kind, gentle, sweet compassionate, loving, and a bunch of other good qualities. Accept that you are worthy of love and respect REGARDLESS of your previous mistakes. You are worthy of all of this EVEN IF you get divorced. Once you accept it Antonia….trust yourself.

In closing I leave you with this….

1) Hopefully I did not confuse the chit out of you
2) Love yourself
3) Don’t be afaid to be happy
4) Don’t be afraid to still love your H
5) Don’t be afraid to live your life anyway you want to
6) Accept that live is WHAT YOU MAKE it.
7) When you face your fears….you empower yourself.
8) Write down WHO you want to be and then make every decision in your life to move you in that direction. Fuc* what anyone tells you….just believe yourself.

And….know this….if you do not believe in yourself or no one else believes in you….then I will!

God Bless,
Eric

[ericmsant2]

A few more comments Antonia….

Trust that it is okay to be angry…very angry. Accept that you may be angry with yourself. Anger is normal emotion. What does the new Antonia want to do with this anger? How YOU deal with anger should align with WHO you want to be.
Standing, not standing, semi standing….All of these are YOUR choice. You stand because of WHO you WANT to be. The length of the stand IMO, is meaningless. It is what YOU accomplish while standing that matters.
One of my fav sayings…..”opinions…..they are like as*holes, everybody’s got one”. Live you life by other peoples opinions and YOU will never be free. Make sure that what you live is consistent with who YOU want to be.
Perfection – Never strive for it. Strive for your best, which trust me will never be perfect. Perfect is for GOD. So stop trying to be perfect and just be Antonia. If she wants to cry, then cry. If she wants to laugh then laugh. If she want to call her H and/or OW and give her a piece of her mind….well then…who does Antonia want to be. If she wants to be a vengeful jealous b *tch, then call. If she wants to be a women so focused on herself and her happiness….well then f*ck’em both1!
Love – it is real. It is out there.
Hope. Not to be mistaken with delusion…..Hope for all things Antonia. Whatever you want. Whomever you want. It is your life.

It is YOUR life Antonia….please do not be afraid to live it. The way YOU want to live it…not the way I or anyone else tells you to live. Live it for you.

Eric

[Augtan]

I totally agree that it is a form of PTSD!! Beatrice said alot of what I think and feel too, my XH changed overnight and the bomb of the A was not something I ever expected or even came close to thinking was what was going on with him!!

I often say that I feel like I am living in a twilight zone or some other dimension of reality, I can't describe it either. But, I look at my life outside of my body and have zero understanding of who this life belongs to that I am living, cause it can't be mine....I had a normal life, a great husband, three smart & good kids (still have those!! lol), a beautiful home, great friends, awesome neighborhood, etc. It was by no means perfect, there were the normal kid issues, disagreements with the H, ups and downs, etc. but I never in a million years thought I would be a single mom living in a 2 bedroom condo raising my kids completely alone, working full-time, going back to school so I can eventually make ends meet...

A

[Augtan]

I posted before I got to read what Eric wrote...well said Eric!! And thanks again for all the great insight!!