Yeah my exH has never shown any signs of looking back since leaving many years ago ( although to be fair we did have a previous reconciliation before he finally left). I’d be horrified if he did bounce back because I want nothing to do with him now.
Sorry for responding so late- I wasn't expecting anybody to comment on my riff!
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Do they turn around and try to come back? I'm certainly not expecting that in my own case even though I left that door open for far longer than perhaps I should have. There wasn't the acrimony in my situation that there is in many. What anger I felt wasn't spent on blasting her and her anger just rolled off my back.
I think the trick is the fine balance between what you mention of suspending any expectation of return and leaving the door open. And I have to admit that it is much easier to manage your own emotions when you are able to be cognizant that any anger directed towards you is not because of you, and that you just happen to be the most convenient “whipping boy” at the time. My XW also had no acrimony towards me, or at least any that she demonstrated in my presence. Curious to know- what are your parameters for having “left that door open for far longer than perhaps I should have” ? Were you putting your life on hold in some department(s)?
Originally Posted by AndrewP
As far as I can know, my xW has settled into her new life and I'm just someone she used to know. At the time I felt that she was following the MLC playbook right down to getting the obligatory tattoo. Your own case may be different - I can't judge that - and your ex may indeed turn around. I'm glad to see though that you are out there living your life and not putting it on hold for something that may never happen and that perhaps even if the chance of it comes up, you and she may have evolved into people that aren't compatible.
If you don't mind me saying, you're selling yourself short. She may have settled into her new life, but I'll guarantee you that in those moments when she allows herself to reflect on her current situation, she's comparing it all to when ol' AndrewP was in her life. You may not see it, but count on it: you are renting space in her head, and she's paying the rent for you to be there.
Yup, mine followed the playbook like a script. It’s funny that you mention the bit about the obligatory MLC tattoo. I had a dream many years ago that my ex did this. I do tend to have occasional psychic episodes, (PSYCHIC, not psychotic, you joker! ) and I’m very curious to know if she went down that road. When we were together, she was so introverted and demure that it would truly be a surprise to me if she did get one. If she did, I would also be very surprised, if/when she came back to her right mind, that it wouldn’t be one of the things that she would have regretted doing. I have a theory that, since they are so flailing and “out to sea” with very few concrete ideas of their own, that a lot of the harebrained ideas that they get are usually picked up from the people they associate with.
Whether we’ll be compatible when it’s all said and done is a bridge to be crossed if we come to it. My attitude towards it is to approach it like she’s the “invisible twin sister” who was always around, but never seen- she’s a lot like her twin that I had a relationship with where we all went out and did the same things together, and has the same memories of all those past events, but she’s not the same as that person. Different likes, different interactions with others, different influences, etc. Too different? That remains to be seen.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
One thing that Jack told me that still sticks to this day was to disregard the odds. Even a 1 in a 1000 chance has a 1 in it.
C-3PO: Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1! Han Solo: Never tell me the odds!
— Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
(Also see my signature block. )
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
Apologies to you also for my taking so long to respond- Now that I've GAL, I have been super busy with A L I've G!
Originally Posted by kml
Yeah my exH has never shown any signs of looking back since leaving many years ago ( although to be fair we did have a previous reconciliation before he finally left). I’d be horrified if he did bounce back because I want nothing to do with him now.
Was his reconciliation a half-hearted attempt at piecing, or was it more of a "I'm happier now...bye!" ?
I guess he really did you dirty since you want nothing to do with him now?
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
It’s funny that you mention the bit about the obligatory MLC tattoo.
What is it with the MLC tattoos? My once devout, meek, super mom STBXW has got 2 now. The last one is the word “happiness” in script on her rib cage. I’m sure she will look cool to the young guys at the pool this summer if she dons her 2 piece. News flash you’re 53, not 18.
Not sure how anyone can be happy having not seen her kids in a year.
Maybe I should get one that reads “I survived my wife’s MLC!”
T
Last edited by Taz; 04/27/2206:53 PM. Reason: Sp
M57 (53@BD) XW55 (50@BD) S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD) Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28 BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip) W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text) D final 11/10/22
Was his reconciliation a half-hearted attempt at piecing, or was it more of a "I'm happier now...bye!" ?
We reconciled and had several very good years during which he was very attentive. I did an awful lot of "pick me dancing" and twisting into a pretzel though to make that happen. I also thought I was doing the right thing for my kids although they have since told me they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And drop it did as he approached 50 and another midlife crisis.
Once he filed I completely let go. I had peace in my heart that I had done my very best to save my marriage, that I had been a darn good wife, and that even if he came back at that point, there was no way I would ever be able to trust him again. (3 strikes and you're out kind of thing).
I might have been able to be more friendly with him now (thankfully his second wife was NOT one of his affair partners) but for the way he's treated our kids since the divorce. It's clear to me now that he's a narcissist and none of us have value to him unless we are making him look good and doing what HE's interested in doing. I'm forever grateful my youngest was a senior in high school when he left so there were never any custody issues and I've been able to keep communication to a BARE MINIMUM.
(And just for reference, I am still friends with almost every guy I ever dated, EXCEPT him - because I would never be friends with such a lying, selfish narcissistic cheater. )
Curious to know- what are your parameters for having “left that door open for far longer than perhaps I should have” ? Were you putting your life on hold in some department(s)?
I would see what I thought were crumbs of attention and interest from her after she moved out and into her own apartment including one coffee date where she complained about how alone and lonely she was. Shortly after that though it became apparent that she preferred OM and I just had enough and told her that I was done waiting for her to make up her mind and that the divorce process needed to be started (which took another 6 months)
Originally Posted by Jimbo
If you don't mind me saying, you're selling yourself short. She may have settled into her new life, but I'll guarantee you that in those moments when she allows herself to reflect on her current situation, she's comparing it all to when ol' AndrewP was in her life. You may not see it, but count on it: you are renting space in her head, and she's paying the rent for you to be there.
There was a funny episode a few years ago when a girlfriend moved in for a short while of her lurking across the street in the garden centre. She's living less than 10 minutes away, we obviously still know people in common so if she was curious about my life she could be well informed.
One thing that I believe to be the case, especially if there's not a significant gap between relationships that people expect a new partner to be a version of their old one. One woman I dated for a short while even tried to get me to start dressing like her ex.
We did have a pretty good thing going here. I do know that she would regularly compare me to friend's husbands and one thing she was always proud of being that if anything ever needed fixing that it got taken care of right away. Her life was mostly about her though and I was a useful incidental appliance that paid the bills, cut the grass and made sure stuff got done. I treated her well I like to think and she would make sure we held hands when we were out together and that every day started and ended with a kiss. I opened doors, held chairs for her all that sort of stuff that I just figured was normal and she certainly expected.
Whether she compares OM to me or not is anyone's guess. From what I gather he's also a pretty quiet guy but with less broad interests. When I was in full detective mode the only things I could pick up were that he liked the local hockey team and occasionally went out golfing. His former wife - who passed from cancer shortly before he got involved with mine - went on one big trip shortly before she died that I don't think he went on.
I have pretty broad interests, enjoy going to museums, parks, art galleries, craft shows etc. A very wide taste in the arts, well informed on politics and the economy. I like to putter and build things.
She's undoubtedly missing the tropical vacations we used to go on, the ability to buy a new car as soon as she needed one yadda yadda. Missing me? No clue. I know on my side that after all this time I don't miss her as a person. The person she is now is someone I don't even know. And I've been doing for myself for so long now that I know that I would have no expectation of anyone new filling her shoes here. She and her shoes are both long gone.
Originally Posted by Jimbo
I have a theory that, since they are so flailing and “out to sea” with very few concrete ideas of their own, that a lot of the harebrained ideas that they get are usually picked up from the people they associate with.
That is undoubtedly true in many aspects. People, especially when they are going through difficult times will cling to and try to mirror others. I would add though that it my own personal theory that in cases at least like mine that they are finally dropping the mask and becoming the person that they always were and had been trying to suppress. My xW when I met her was a big boobed party girl who then shifted into being a wife and Mom. With the kids grown and gone there was less need to keep that mask up. I'd always had worries about her flirtatious manner and one day I suppose she crossed a line.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I have a theory that, since they are so flailing and “out to sea” with very few concrete ideas of their own, that a lot of the harebrained ideas that they get are usually picked up from the people they associate with.
This is absolutely true of my exh. He associated with a vile human being who was, at best, smarmy, and at worst - well, let's say that absolutely NO ONE likes him - not even 2.0 (OW/new spouse).
This guy said some of the most disgusting things one day in my and our 12 year old's presence ... exh said NOTHING. I told the guy that he is free to speak however he wants in front of his kids, but in MY house and in front of MY kid, we do not refer to people in that way. Guy tried to challenge me. Wrong move. He's a henpecked coward, so he backed down quickly in front of me and bashed me even more behind my back (and in front of my son). My son finally had to tell him to stop talking about me as it upset him. Yet over the course of 7 years my exh went from thinking this guy was over the top to parroting his BS. My exh went from hanging out with really nice people to losing all his friends except for the guy I mentioned above. I have no idea who his friends are now, and I've heard enough from my son to know exh has become mini-vile guy.
Another point, though, which I think is worth considering, is that they create this entire universe out of whole cloth and, at least in my case, there were many things attributed to me that were absolute crap. When he was/is faced with the reality, he became/becomes INFURIATED that his version of truth ain't holding up.
Also, relationships are mirrors. The WAS/MLCr is viewing their spouse through the lens of their own MLC behavior. Case in point (and I was just telling a friend this last night), about 1-2 years before BD exh and I were eating lunch at our breakfast bar. My purse was on the counter next to me. As exh munched away on his sandwich I could tell he was getting really, REALLY angry about something but he wouldn't admit it - not even when he was red in the face, he was so enraged. Finally he spat out - "Is that real? How much did that cost!?" It took me a full minute to realize what he was referring to... my fake Prada. I started to laugh and said, "you thought this was real? I bought it for $5 at the consignment store! Pretty good score, huh?" He DIDN"T BELIEVE ME!!!! I asked him if he realized who he was married to, completely practical, ripped jeans and sweat shirts me, who prefers sneakers and gardening to high heels and designer crap. He was slightly mollified, but I could tell he didn't really believe me. I shrugged it off at the time, but now I realize that he was judging me by his own standards - he needed new shirts so he went to Nordstrom and worked with a personal shopper. I shopped at consignment stores and TJ Maxx. You will never convince him that I wasn't blowing his money on fancy crap, because that's what he was doing himself, but couldn't own it.
So, there's a lot to unpack in the raving minds of these lunatics.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
right? was thinking about this some more, and comparing my experiences to many i've read here. So many of these MLCrs want their spouses to do things that are diametrically opposed, ex. one cannot spend zero dollars on new outfits and wear shiny bright new designer togs. one cannot spend all one's time working on a high powered career and still have time left over to pick the kiddos up after school, help with homework, cook a fabulous meal from scratch, do all the cleaning, marketing, bill paying, gardening, etc and have excess energy in the bedroom as well. We're human beings who also live in a 24 hour a day world. Sleep is necessary for LBS's too! Like, basically people here's the menu, check off what you want but realize you ain't getting it all because we are human too and btw, none of the demands make an eff of a lot of sense anyway.
No wonder so many of us here are exhausted and trying to unkink from pretzeling for so long!
Last edited by bttrfly; 04/29/2204:54 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
It’s funny that you mention the bit about the obligatory MLC tattoo.
What is it with the MLC tattoos? My once devout, meek, super mom STBXW has got 2 now. The last one is the word “happiness” in script on her rib cage. I’m sure she will look cool to the young guys at the pool this summer if she dons her 2 piece. News flash you’re 53, not 18.
Not sure how anyone can be happy having not seen her kids in a year.
Maybe I should get one that reads “I survived my wife’s MLC!”
T
Classic replay behavior. They seem to flashback to the carefree days before responsibility crept subtly into their life in the form of adulthood. They dress younger, hang out with younger people, and do all the stupid $#!+ that they "missed out on" and never got to do the first time around. Wouldn't we all like to go back to that time where somebody else kept a roof over our heads, put our meals on the table, and paid all the bills (including the ones WE racked up!) ? And all we had to do was.....whatever we wanted to!
Alas, you don't get a do-over.....no matter how badly you want one, MLCers.
The freedom that comes with adulthood, carries the cost of responsibility. Ignore this at your own peril.
And many do.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
) and I’m very curious to know if she went down that road. When we were together, she was so introverted and demure that it would truly be a surprise to me if she did get one. If she did, I would also be very surprised, if/when she came back to her right mind, that it wouldn’t be one of the things that she would have regretted doing. I have a theory that, since they are so flailing and “out to sea” with very few concrete ideas of their own, that a lot of the harebrained ideas that they get are usually picked up from the people they associate with.
)