I continue to "journal" so to speak over the holidays but received little support. Although it's been helpful for me to write down my thoughts/feelings/experiences, I'm starting to realize that the regular question or my comments and the support of members of this board helped me to stay the course and focus on what I had to do.
I still feel like I am focused and my W still comments occasionally about my changes. Last night she mentioned again that she sees changes in me (especially my tone of voice and attitude towards her) but she says it's an act.
I'm ok with that, because I know it's going to take time for her to really see the changes as real. The thing that really frustrates me now is how she routinely says negative things about the R. Last night she mentioned that we've never parented well together, that we don't agree on how to handle the kids - we do a much better job of parenting on our own "which will be a good thing when we seperate."
I just told her that I agreed at times we've struggled to support each other because we have different ideas on how to handle certain situations. I also said our D's are only 6, 4 and 2 so we are still relatively new parents and we are still learning.
So part of her feelings stemmed from last night. When I got home from work she told me wasn't feeling good (weve both been sick for weeks) and told her that she was welcome to go lie down after dinner and I would get the kids ready for bed. I then told the kids that if they finished their dinner they could have popcorn and watch the Canada vs Russia gold medal game with me (kids were thrilled). My W then got upset and said that she had wanted to just lie on the couch after dinner and watch some TV. I told her that I had assumed that she would have gone and lied in bed where it would be quite and she could even goto bed early because that's what I had done when I was sick. Now trying to be thoughtful/nice was back firing. So instead the kids myself and the W watched TLC together, and because they were up watching TV they went to bed later than normal.
As I was about to leave for work this morning, my D2 wakes up. My W asks me "Since your still home, can you take her to the bathroon, get her a drink and a snack and bring her in our room to watch cartoons?" - and of course I oblige. I come back, and ask my W if I can get anything for her and she just says "No, I only want to sleep...and I really wanted to be in bed early last night" - which is not what she told me last night. She said she wanted to lie down and watch TV...I offered to let her goto bed at 7:00pm!! UHHHHHHHH!
Anyways, just venting while starting a new thread. I also was supposed to be detaching, but seemed to be trying to "piece" because my W is like a YO-YO when it comes to giving positive signs. One day she is nice, and seems interested and the next day I am just "annoying".
SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
SIC: "The thing that really frustrates me now is how she routinely says negative things about the R. Last night she mentioned that we've never parented well together, that we don't agree on how to handle the kids - we do a much better job of parenting on our own "which will be a good thing when we seperate.""
Be warned: Selective memory (only remembering the bad times) is justifying the choice and common to most sitch's. Don't defend yourself, but don't agree if you don't agree.
Validate if you can: "I'm sorry you feel that way and I know you believe what you believe, but I cannot possibly imagine seperate parents can raise kids better than together parents in loving home."
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Just a little clarification on Validating your WAS.
Never say "I'm sorry you feel that way". You are apologizing for the way someone feels? It doesn't make sense. Validating is LISTENING and understanding someone else's point of view. Responses could be as simple as "O.K"....... I've never thought of it that way....... Nodding your head.....I can see why you would think that..... Whatever is authentic to you. Sometimes it is better to not even defend your point of view. Eg If W says "you are a jackass and you never stood up for me" Maybe the best response would be W, you are right I am a jackass. I don't understand why I acted like that.... This way they are more likely to take compassion for YOU...
After you Validate their feelings they may think to themselves.. you know what, maybe I am being to hard, he isn't a jackass... ect.. Where if you were to defend yourself and call them out on their crap behavior, they would stand firmer decision that you ARE A JACKASS. Think about this. You don't need to be a doormat, but sometimes it is O.K to be wrong and OWN it.
Just a little clarification on Validating your WAS.
Never say "I'm sorry you feel that way". You are apologizing for the way someone feels? It doesn't make sense. Validating is LISTENING and understanding someone else's point of view. Responses could be as simple as "O.K"....... I've never thought of it that way....... Nodding your head.....I can see why you would think that..... Whatever is authentic to you. Sometimes it is better to not even defend your point of view. Eg If W says "you are a jackass and you never stood up for me" Maybe the best response would be W, you are right I am a jackass. I don't understand why I acted like that.... This way they are more likely to take compassion for YOU...
After you Validate their feelings they may think to themselves.. you know what, maybe I am being to hard, he isn't a jackass... ect.. Where if you were to defend yourself and call them out on their crap behavior, they would stand firmer decision that you ARE A JACKASS. Think about this. You don't need to be a doormat, but sometimes it is O.K to be wrong and OWN it.
tjack
Thank you, I understand and appreciate what your saying.
When do they ever admit to be a negative bitch?
Like I've said in the past, I fully admit my short comings and I've been working on fixing them. She seems to see that, but she is "annoyed" by it, because it's "not the person she knows". She puts a negative spin on EVERYTHING remotely R related.
I have to finish reading DR.
I have another IC appointment today, we'll see how that goes. W still hasn't booked IC - and I'm wondering if there are more creative ways for me to get her to do it without asking her everyday?!
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I don't think my W is anywhere near giving a damn about whether I say: "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I understand you feel that way."
IMHO both are validating statements which in context (ie. everyday common language) do not automatically imply an apology for someone's feelings or imply causing those feelings.
And I'm sorry you feel that way !!
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
So tonight when I got home from my counselling appointment I acted normal and cordial with my W. I told her C went well, and asked if she'd booked yet "Nooooo, not yet." Ya I know hunny it's only been a f**king month, I'm sure you'll get around to it when it makes it onto your "important list".
I was kind of annoyed with my C. Even though I hadn't seen her in almost a month she made a point to say that "I don't seem to have the notes from our previous session handy" which resulted in me having to go over things again that we went over the first time.
Anyways, I was asking the W if she realized that she hadn't marked my parents anniversary on our calendar (because she puts EVERYTHING on the caledar) and she said "Why would I care about there anniversary - I don't even care about my own!"
All I could do was walk-away. She confronted me a few minutes later and just gave me a look and said "What's from with you?" I just said I can't believe you'd say you could care less about our anniversary. She told me "it was un-called for and she shouldn't have said it but it's what she feels" she continue to say "we've never done anything for our anniversary anyways".
Ya, ya sure we've never done anything for our anniversary?!?!?
So now my million dollar question is:
HOW DO I HANDLE MY ANNIVERSAY NOW?? It's in just over a week. Should I plan a baby-sitter, make reservations somewhere?
I was originally going to plan a weekend away at nice chalet resort or something, but she shot that down before Christmas.
I can't imagine I supposed to just ignore it and do nothing? Should I make plans for myself and just act like it's another day?????
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I was actually having the same thoughts as you about valentine's day. God willing we are still together.
I was thinking about making reservations at a favorite restaurant of ours. I will tell her what I am doing, and if she would care to join me she is welcome. If she turns me down, I can have a romantic dinner with one of my buddies. ooolala. If she goes, I will have to stand him up. I would hate to break his heart. Problem is I am not sure I could find a buddy that would have a valentine dinner with me, and not sure I would want to.LOL.
I thought about doing nothing, but what are the consequences of that?
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
