Separated but living in the same house

[justwaiting]

Hello everyone. I'm struggling and could use some advice.

About a week ago, after pushing him to admit something was wrong, my husband said he was thinking about leaving. He said he had checked out long ago and had feelings for a girl at work that's 8 years younger than him. (We're both 29).

I had went through sexual abuse therapy a while back, and during that time, I was not a good wife and wasn't there for him. At the time, he said he understood that had to happen for me to heal, and that he was there to support me and would never leave. Turns out he couldn't support me, and working through my therapy caused him to pull away from me, and now he doesn't even want to try to work it out.

He says he wants to be alone, on his own, because that feels right. I think he's hung on to his own emotional baggage for so long that he can no longer take on both his problems and the responsibilities of a marriage and family. He just wants to start over fresh with no ties. He's done this his whole life every time life gets too hard for him.

It makes me angry. I started therapy and kept with it because I wanted to save our marriage. He doesn't care enough to want to do that.

He seems conflicted. One minute, I'm talking to a man who says he loves me but doesn't know if he's in love with me. Next minute, he's saying love's not enough.

I have just gotten to the point where I can be a great wife to him, and now he doesn't want to bother. Had I known this was going on, we would've done counseling together so we could have made it work. But he just bottled it up and acted like he was fine, and the whole time I had no clue.

We've agreed to a separation. Problem right now is that he has no job & no way to support himself and my stepson. I can't just kick him out of the house since it's his house too, but it hurts too much having him here.

I want him back. I know he can be a great husband as long as he is willing to work on himself and the marriage. I don't know how to be around him or how to act. I think he's just suffering from "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome and I hope he comes to his senses. I just wish there was something I could do that would help. I want to hold my ground and be strong, and I want him to see how the life he has envisioned for himself is not as great as he thinks it's going to be, but I don't want to push him away either.

Any advice? I'm going to see my counselor on Monday, but anything that can get me through til them would really help. He says he doesn't like who I am now, a jaded, cynical person who's unaffectionate and distant. I'm not like that anymore, but since he's not here, he doesn't see that. And any time I try to be different, he says it doesn't feel "right". Help!

[Denver_2010]

Sorry to hear what is happening with your marriage. This is a great place for advice and support. There are members who have been doing this for quite a while, so listen to them! And keep posting...

[sandi2]

Welcome JustWaiting. Hope you will post every day and also read other threads here on the board.

I know you must be in terrible pain and feel that life has been very unfair and, now, ironic.

I have just gotten to the point where I can be a great wife to him, and now he doesn't want to bother.

Was it "after" you discovered about his interest in OW? Human nature has a way of changing our desires, and if we realize our S is wanting another person....then it causes us to desire them a lot more.

"grass is greener on the other side" syndrome

Oh, those words described me to a tee! When a S is ready to escape his/her reality for a brand new life....they feel there is no hope and really don't have the energy or desire to continue in the present MR. It just seems easier to end the old and get a new one.

So, is he having an A with OW while he's living with you?

I just wish there was something I could do that would help.

Good news, there is a lot you can do! You have to be willing to try. That's the requirement... A lot of what you hear will sound like the opposite of what you think one should do to save a M, but it works if you stick with it.

We can lay out a plan of action for you, if you'd like. Step one is to get Divorce Remedy book.

While you are doing that, you must pull back from any type of pursuing your H. That means no contacting him. If he contacts you, keep it short, simple, and end it first.

Now here is one that is going to be very hard for you...no relationship talks! If he brings the R up, then you listen. But do not get into an argument. Just let him talk it out and then leave it alone.

You have to accept the fact that you cannot change your H. You cannot control what he does. But, you can change yourself. How your changes go will affect your outcome. You must take your focus off your H and the MR and put your focus on you and life that does not include him. (I told you it would seem like things you shouldn't be doing!)

Set personal goals in how you can improve yourself and become the best "you" possible. A new year coming up, and a good time to start working.

Get in shape (if you aren't), get involved in hobbies or things you like but had stopped. Stay busy getting a life and spend time with friends and family who lift you up and appreciate you.

Be positive. Keep a positive mental attitude. That alone will make you attractive!

More to come, but that's a start.

((hugs))

[justwaiting]

Was it "after" you discovered about his interest in OW? Human nature has a way of changing our desires, and if we realize our S is wanting another person....then it causes us to desire them a lot more.

No, I was reaching the end of my therapy this year. I had started school full-time this semester along with working full-time. These past 6 months have been a huge growth period for me. I was ready to move on before I knew about the OW. I've become more independent, sure of myself, and willing to set boundaries. I wasn't able to support him before and be a good wife, I know that and while I'm still not blaming myself for this, it does still hurt. He knew my therapy was reaching an end. I had been talking to him about all of the changes I was going through. Heck, even going to school full-time & trying to juggle that with work was something I never thought possible.

Oh, those words described me to a tee! When a S is ready to escape his/her reality for a brand new life....they feel there is no hope and really don't have the energy or desire to continue in the present MR. It just seems easier to end the old and get a new one.

So, is he having an A with OW while he's living with you?

Well, this leads me to my update. We had agreed on a separation for at least 6-8 months, with no relationships or dating on either side. We discussed his EA with the OW, and I didn't ask him to break off contact with her, but he agreed he would keep her at arms length.

I had bought the book yesterday and was working through it last night. I was trying out just living in the house, not initiating contact with him unless he wanted to talk, and then just being friendly but as short as I could be. When he asked why I was "ignoring" him, I simply said I cared about him and was trying to give him the space he wanted. He even left for awhile to drive around and "think" (he felt the need to explain this to me, I didn't press him). I simply nodded and acted like it didn't matter to me one way or the other.

He came back a little earlier than I expected, came in my room and told me he was tired & going to bed. A while after he left, I decided to get some sleep myself. Then I heard him laughing & talking. My curiosity got the better of me, I admit, and I basically eavesdropped on his conversation.

He was on the phone with the OW, and it most certainly was not a "friendly" conversation. There was definite flirting, discussion of using restraints, sexual positions, etc. I listened for awhile, and at one point he said "hang on" and come to his (open, mind you) door to check. I just stood there, looked at him, and said "We need to talk."

I stayed very calm and rarely raised my voice. I told him that while I understood that he would not be cutting off contact with her, the agreement was to keep it friendly. And the fact that he was saying things like that in our house with me only 30-40 ft from his door was just the bitter icing on the cake.

I think at that point I realized this isn't really about him "finding himself". It's him escaping, having a gigantic adult tantrum because he can't handle the responsibilities anymore. He continues to lie to me, and while I can't control him, I can control my own reactions and whether or not I will just sit there and let him do that to me.

I will not take blame for his EA. At the end of the day, I wasn't there, but I was open & honest about not being able to be there during my therapy. He went into that knowing fully that for a while, his needs wouldn't be validated. I'm not blaming him for not being able to handle it. That's a lot to ask a person, especially when they are emotionally unhealthy to begin with. But he was responsible for communicating there was a problem, and he simply didn't do it. Now he's got a blonde little 21-year old interested in him, and I realized he wanted the separation to see if things would work out with her while keeping me on the back burner just in case.

I'm sorry. I may not have had much self-worth in the past, but I am no one's "second best". I refuse to be. So I basically laid it out like this: if he does want to separate or work on the marriage, he has to do individual therapy and cut off all contact with her. Period. If he refuses, then I want a divorce as well.

I know I will feel hurt later, but right now surprisingly I feel more confident and sure of myself. Mostly, I feel sad for him. If he doesn't take the opportunity to truly make a change now, he is going to be miserable for the rest of his life. And he doesn't have to be that way. But I've learned that's his choice to make. And unfortunately, he's dragging his son (my stepson) down with him. For myself and my personal happiness, I refuse to follow.

We're meeting with my counselor for a joint session on Tuesday. I'm giving him until then to decide if he wants to continue with the separation. Either way (separation or divorce), I know what I'm going to do and that I'm going to continue to live my life & be okay.

I'm going to continue working through the book and disconnecting from him. When he wants to talk, should I be supportive or should I just simply listen?

[SDFoundGirl]

JustWaiting~

I don't have much time to post right now, but I wanted to tell you that you are in a good position right now. Your sitch isn't so different from mine (I didn't deal with sexual abuse, I had panic disorder and depression), and my H held on to it for a long time. We had an in-house separation, and it both gave ME the space to detach a little AND the opportunity to show him my changes and how I'd be fine if it didn't all work out.

It is going to require a lot of strength on your part. NO MORE R TALKS. None. NO MORE TEARS IN FRONT OF YOUR H. I used to wait until H went to work, then I would give myself 10-minutes to cry. No more than that. Then I got BUSY.

I got a lot of good advice, and if you look at my threads during my sitch, everything I did is in there. I became a strong, strong woman because of all of this, and I look back at the whole situation as one of the hardest BUT one of the most important events in my whole life.

I'm going to post a copy of a post by Jen_Jam that helped me tons when I first started in a separate post. DON'T PANIC. DON'T TAKE ANY EMOTIONAL ACTION--48-HOUR RULE BEFORE ACTING. If it's the right thing to do, it will still be the right thing to do 48-hours later.

If you're not in IC, go. If you think H might be willing to go to MC, then you can ask...my H was willing even though he thought he was in love with some ho' from his work. It was TOUGH...but it was also the first time we laid all of our issues on the table and dealt with it. If H won't go, then go to IC and start working on you. My IC during the time helped me tremendously.

I'll check back in later when I have more time...hang in there!

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Here's Jen_Jam's post...read it, print it out, carry it with you, and read it over and over again as needed. And BREATHE!

Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 965
Loc: Surrey, UK
OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example.
JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.
_________________________
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005
Seperated Sept and Oct 2005
H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad
May 2006 - found this site
Oct 2006 - H recomitted
April 2007 - I began to feel normal again

[sandi2]

You sound really healthy considering all that you are going through. You must have had a good therapist. You sound much better than most LBW's and I know that had to take work to get there.

When he wants to talk, should I be supportive or should I just simply listen?

Depending on what he says. I don't think you should support anything that is wrong. You can always listen without giving him your thoughts. In fact, listening seems to work better in most cases. If you don't know exactly what to say...you can always tell him that you will have to think about it.

[Denver_2010]

SDFoundGirl - That was awesome. Very inspiring. Thank you for taking the time to post that list!

Denver

[justwaiting]

We're definitely on the divorce track now...he doesn't want to agree to the terms of individual therapy and cutting off contact with the girl he's having an emotional affair with, so I am now in agreement he needs to go. We're going to get a packet & do the filing ourselves since we are in agreement on everything...though I am consulting with a lawyer first to make sure there's nothing *I* need to miss to try to make this as smooth as possible. Now I've adopted the mentality of "I just want you to be happy, I'm totally OK with all of this." because to argue or fight wouldn't do any good right now. Now I just want him out of the house & out of my life, and he's so stubborn that if I try to be difficult about it, he will dig in his heels & make my life as miserable as he can just because he doesn't like being told what to do (big overgrown child much?). Hopefully he will find a job soon & can find a place for him & my stepson. Since now I feel like my goal is to get him out & get on with my life, I honestly feel like if I focus on that goal, I can live with him for a few more months & keep my sanity.

He did go see my counselor last night. I knew she wouldn't change his mind...but I wanted to give him one last chance to really consider his issues & that if he puts off therapy, he probably will never change. I've had to sit & listen to him the last few days, & it really just sounds more and more like he's just rationalizing now to convince himself this is what he "needs". He needs to leave so he doesn't hurt me any more, he doesn't mourn the loss of our love or marriage but he does our friendship, he doesn't understand why having feelings for this girl is equal to an emotional affair and he doesn't get how that is just as bad as a physical affair (quote from him "I would never do THAT to you"), blah blah blah. At this point, it does not good to argue or try to play devil's advocate, because he's got it set in his brain what he wants to do. At one point in the car on the way back home last night, after counseling, out of nowhere, he just said "I'm still going to go through with it, you know." I had said nothing and had told him numerous times I didn't expect him to change his mind, so I guess that was more for his benefit than mine.

I'm just going to be friendly, let him initiate conversation. His rationalizations & digs are so annoying at this point, but I'm not letting them get me down and I'm not responding to them like he wants me to. He's actually a little freaked out because of how "well" I'm taking this. His family is so angry at him, and he's whining about it and how through all this I'm the only one who "understands". HA!

I'm praying for God to give me strength & guide me through this, and so far it is helping me get through it all. I do feel like this is the right thing to do for me, though I know most people think I'm crazy for not going ballistic on him. I guess this is one of the advantages (disadvantages?) of being the emotionally healthy one in all of this. I love him unconditionally and can't just switch off my feelings for him, but I'm not going to let his unhealthiness get to me. As long as it's not crossing my boundaries, I feel like I can keep this up.

I'm still having trouble sleeping. I feel paranoid he's going to pull some kind of stunt now over the house because he's feeling so "nostalgic" about it. The days are excruciatingly long because it's hard to focus on anything else but all of this. Nothing is holding my attention very long. I've dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks, and I am trying to eat, but it's hard. I do feel pretty good about myself, but I know if I could have some peace & rest, I'd feel even better.

[canadianMrs.]

This sounds so much like my own story. DH says his feelings started changing for me a few years ago; the same time we relocated to a new city for his job, and then I had 2 people very close to me pass away within those first 6 months. While I dealt with their deaths in a strange/lonely city I wasn't the best wife. Now I feel like I'm in a good place, but all of a sudden he's not happy. So much of what you said was like deja vue. As far as I know there is no OW, but the rest I can relate too. Good luck and I know its hard, but stay strong.