A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL CYBER MONDAY OFFER!
Save $90 -- November 29-December 1 only
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $300

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE90 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: MrBond] #2119943
01/12/11 08:55 PM
01/12/11 08:55 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
2
27YearsandOut Offline OP
Member
27YearsandOut  Offline OP
Member
2
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Well, it didn't feel all that great at the time! My insides were roiling. Voices crept up a couple of times, but not too much at all. Tried to keep it calm. W first said OM was married, then changed it to recently divorced. Then she told three different versions about how she met him. None are probably true.

As far as confronting the om, believe me - I have no problem doing just that. In fact, I was at his work and stared him straight in the face. He doesn't know me or who I am (although he might now), but it took all the control I had to not reach out and grab him and give him some advice. I was cool on the outside, but just seething on the inside. Kept telling myself it would do more harm than good in the long run.

Anyway, I thought it was also counter to what DB says about being detached and not acting concerned about that sitch? That the more I involved myself with it, the more it would drive the W strait into it? That I should let her have her space and not pressure her? Now I'm a little confused about what I should do regarding the OM. My very first instinct from the start was to confront him.

As to the R, I will try and follow your suggestion. I've been trying to maintain some distance - even when home. I'm usually in the den, basement, or even outside. About the only time we are together as we do eat dinner together. And I will go into the living room at about 10 pm after I am done doing other things. We will chill and watch a tv show for the last hour, and then we both go to bed. In the same bed. Contemplating moving out of the bedroom - not the house. Right now she still snuggles up to my back in the bed. Maybe I should create a little distance here as well?

Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: 27YearsandOut] #2119978
01/12/11 11:00 PM
01/12/11 11:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
D
dbmod Offline
Member
dbmod  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
Why would you want to create distance when you can create snuggling? Try it and see what happens.


dbmod
Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: dbmod] #2120003
01/13/11 01:03 AM
01/13/11 01:03 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
2
27YearsandOut Offline OP
Member
27YearsandOut  Offline OP
Member
2
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Well, I would love it if that were a realistic possiblity. But, a couple of things. One, I'm pretty sure nothing has changed between her and the OM. Things were really starting to heat up between them with the texting and phone calls becoming more and more frequent. They were even starting to get wreckless - not being as careful as they were at first. So I'm pretty much sure they are still doing the same kind of thing.

Second, we have basically went to sleep the same way for the last several years. Only, I would face her and put my arm around her. Just the last couple of weeks, since I have been trying to detach have I turned over and faced away from her. I don't take it as any kind of sign, more like just habit.

Believe me, I sure wish that it were some kind of sign. I just don't believe it - like a too good to be true kind of thing. I would guess it's more of an conflict avoidance mechanism. You know, if I just be nice and act nice, he won't question me or talk to me. I think it's closer to the latter than the former.

And what about confronting the OM? Would that put some pressure on him to back off? Or on her because their secret, exciting R has been exposed?

Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: 27YearsandOut] #2120106
01/13/11 01:26 PM
01/13/11 01:26 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
T
TimeHeals Offline
Member
TimeHeals  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
Quote:
Do I let on that I know about the OM? I mean things really seem to be picking up steam for them. The calls are getting more and more frequent. Pisses me off that I pay for her cell phone (family package) and she is talking to him on it, and about things that she should probably be talking to me about.


What exactly is your evidence? Have you verified who she is calling in an OM?

If so, I would call that what it most certainly is: an inappropriate relationship for a married woman to be having. I would also tell her she needs to get her own cell phone because you are not going to continue enabling an inappropriate relationship.

That's what I would do.

If your kids are grown, what if anything do they already know? You might be suprised.

I would not move out of the marital bed, but if she is having an inappropriate relationship, I would tell her that she cannot sleep there while continuing with that relationship. Her choice, your boundary.


M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: TimeHeals] #2120110
01/13/11 01:36 PM
01/13/11 01:36 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
T
TimeHeals Offline
Member
TimeHeals  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
Also did you specifically ask a db coach about confronting OM?

If so, can you post a summary?


M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: TimeHeals] #2120194
01/13/11 07:26 PM
01/13/11 07:26 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
2
27YearsandOut Offline OP
Member
27YearsandOut  Offline OP
Member
2
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals


What exactly is your evidence? Have you verified who she is calling in an OM?


My evidence is a printout from our carrier. More than 2500 texts in about 10 weeks. Phone calls almost every day. I have the number, dates, times, duration. Just not content. In any event, certainly inappropriate (at the least).

As far as the bed thing, I'm just having some trouble. On one hand - create some distance and detach, and on the other hand - focus on the good things/times, snuggle in bed, etc. i guess in other words - I'm confused about whether to push her away or give her the opening to start back in? It's a fine line, I'm just trying to stay on it.

Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: TimeHeals] #2120202
01/13/11 07:43 PM
01/13/11 07:43 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
MrBond Offline
Member
MrBond  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
IMO you want to break that emotional connection as soon as possible. For a woman an EA is stronger than a PA. I did it and while it didn't get her running back home, it did make things easier for me not having to think about another man around.

I think I read somewhere that in some cases when a person is in an affair, they put up blinders so that all they see is that one person and not their spouse. The more she pulls away, the more needy you're going to become. Again, maybe you need to make yourself scarce as if you had a life that she might get curious about.

But that's up to you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: TimeHeals] #2120316
01/14/11 03:02 AM
01/14/11 03:02 AM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
D
dbmod Offline
Member
dbmod  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
Quote:
Second, we have basically went to sleep the same way for the last several years. Only, I would face her and put my arm around her. Just the last couple of weeks, since I have been trying to detach have I turned over and faced away from her. I don't take it as any kind of sign, more like just habit.

Believe me, I sure wish that it were some kind of sign.


Rather than a sign, it's your 'AS IF' attitude. If she's crawling into bed with you, it's positive.

Did she crawl in last night? Were you still turned away? What would happen if you tested the waters and tried putting yoru arm around her? Or just connected feet...somethign that shows connection?


dbmod
Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: dbmod] #2120418
01/14/11 02:26 PM
01/14/11 02:26 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
T
TimeHeals Offline
Member
TimeHeals  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
Does this ever work? Be honest.

Does it ever work to pretend that your spouse is not having an affair and not deal with reality?

And worse, if you don't deal with reality, are you leaving yourself open to abuse, financial catastrophe and maybe worse?


M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
Re: New Here - Wife Leaving [Re: TimeHeals] #2120495
01/14/11 07:26 PM
01/14/11 07:26 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
2
27YearsandOut Offline OP
Member
27YearsandOut  Offline OP
Member
2
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
TimeHeals - not sure who you are addressing with your questions here. But I don't know if it works or not - I don't have as much experience as some of the people/mods here do.

I'll be honest, there are days when I'm not even sure if I want this to work out, but then most of the time I know that I want my marriage and my family back. I'm just trying everyday to do the things that give me the best chance of that happening. At the end of the day, if it all goes to hell I will at least know that I did all I could to save our marriage. The rest will be on her.

As for last nite - she was a little distant last nite. Had a couple hours of free time until I got out of work. Never said what she did, and I didn't ask. But things were a little less friendly than the couple of days before. Was she with him? I don't know. I do know she had a brief conversation with her lawyer yesterday (not sure about what). But she slept on her side of the bed last nite, and me on mine.

Again, I'm just trying to make sense of what to do. I am reading TDR, and trying to act like it doesn't matter to me one way or the other what she does, and trying to move on and GAL. I've also tried to set some firm boundaries, while trying not to actually drive her away and toward something else. It's a fine line, I tell you.

And I believe what MrBond wrote about the blinders - that is EXACTLY how she is acting. Myself and my sister (who is W's best friend) both think the same thing. It's like she is in a trance or something, like there needs to be some sort of "shock" to her system to bring her out of it.

Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004