Kaboom

[thatgirl007]

(((girl)))

I am thinking of you this morning. Since, I am so new, I think it takes awhile for my posts to be approved, but I visit your thread frequently and want to post lots!

I just wanted to tell you that I've been where you are in many ways and encourage you to allow yourself to feel your emotions completely, whether they are empathy or bitterness or anger or joy. Just sit with it and feel it down to the tips of your toes, knowing that you are completely justified in how you feel. This helped me so much. I spent many bitter nights, angry nights, lonely days and empathetic afternoons with myself and one of the great things I learned about me was that I have the ability to feel my emotions completely without doing anything about them.

Then, I thought long and hard and reasonably and logically about what I really wanted to do, how I wanted to act and what I wanted to have. Then, I acted. The future is yours, girl, with or without H.

[girlfromipanema]

sg, I know you're right and I'm trying to do things nice for me, but I'm at the stage that I don't have any energy to invest in anything even if I know it would give me a lift. Maybe within the next couple of days I'll have moved beyond this feeling of depression and apathy.

[girlfromipanema]

My beautiful Maria. I think of you so often, even over the course of the past couple of years when I thought my marriage was mended and life was beautiful. You have made an impact on my heart that will last a lifetime. Thank you for having me in your thoughts and for your sage advice.

I am doing my best to make cognitive decisions rather than react on my emotions. My mind is telling me the smart thing to do is ask him to leave. My heart wants me to believe he is a decent man who got caught up in an impossible decision.

Love to you.

[girlfromipanema]

I think I meant "impossible situation" rather than "impossible decision" in my post above.

One of the texts OW sent me over the weekend said she "begged" him to ask me to come home when I moved out because no one could love him the way I do. That she couldn't pay his bills or make him dinner.

Is that why he asked me to come home? So I could give and give and give and be the wife I wanted to be: loving, caring, attentive, giving? H said she did tell him to ask me to come home and in the same breath said she couldn't live without him so he made the decision to ask me home and continue his affair with her for selfish reasons, because he loves both of us in different ways.

I have a hard time understanding how someone can love two people at the same time. Maybe the combination of OW and I make up the perfect woman for him and his selfishness overrode all sense of decency and fairness to me.

It embarrasses me that I was the only one unaware of the complexity of my marriage and life.

I was doing well and had moved on to a new chapter in my life, only to be sucked back in, believing that he loved me.

[desert_rat]

(((((girl)))))
I flip and flop every time I read your posts. I know your heart wants to make it work somehow, and I really understand that. I've never met either of you obviously, but my gut it pretty convinced that he can't do it. Can't, won't, I don't know. I think he thinks that he wants to. But that's what he said two years ago. I don't know why, you may never know why.

What he told you about the "last" contact with the OW didn't strike me as really convincing. It just feels to me like he tells everyone what he thinks they want to hear, and then carries on doing whatever he wants to do.

I hope I am wrong.

HUGS!

[girlfromipanema]

Hey handsome. I sincerely appreciate your honest perspective. I know it is my decision, but my big ole' heart is too forgiving and too believing so the insight of others helps me stay balanced in the reality: I can't trust a single word he says.

My main goal today is to try to lift my mood and take care of myself. I've been unable to eat anything since yesterday - and my total food consumption for the day was a banana and a Cliff Bar. My energy is zapped and the depression/sadness/grief I feel is overwhelming. I'm not to the point of tears, but I'm afraid I won't feel relief from this gripping pain for a long time.

I realize I still have lots in my life for which to be thankful and I know I need to focus on those things but...

Hugs to you, handsomest rat.

[girlfromipanema]

I packed up every item that OW had ever given me or H and I as a couple and put them in a box (lots of stuff). Two large framed pictures - one a water color from her visit to Paris and one created by her amazingly talented daughter. I had the box and pictures in my dining room and wasn't sure what to do with them. After returning from work I noticed the items were gone. I asked H what happened to them and he gave me a small smile and said "I got rid of them, don't worry about it". In our past life (pre Kaboom), a common response from him was, "don't worry your pretty little head..." and I could sense he almost 'went there' but knew he shouldn't. My secret hope was he had put them in the garbage but I peeked in the bins and, nope, not there.

I'm going to ask him to tell me what happened to the items and I'm going to tell him "don't worry about it" is an unacceptable answer to any future questions I have.

[sgctxok]

I love your perspective, girl. Whatever you choose is ok. You don't know it's not possible unless you try, but you don't get a guarantee if you do try.

Really you talk about your energy being low, but I'm surprised at the energy you do have and your ability to think this clearly. You must be incredible when you are at your 100%.

[girlfromipanema]

((((sg)))))

I am pretty incredible when I'm at 100%, although I'm having a lot of self doubt (maybe I'm not sexy enough, smart enough, maybe I'm not the 'whole package'...). I'm sure this is temporary and will pass. I will work hard to make myself better and stronger once the trauma wears off.

My best friend since we were 15 years old lives about 3 hours away. She's a busy mom of three so we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. So far, she's the only person in real life that knows my current situation and she and I are making plans to get together as soon as possible. I told her I'd rather be in a more upbeat mood, but she said she doesn't care if I'm mute or a cry baby. She loves me and just wants to wrap her arms around me. I'm so thankful for her friendship.

A few years ago she had a benign brain tumor (acoustic neuroma) and they removed most of the tumor but left some behind to preserve as much of the facial nerve and hearing as possible. She suffers some facial paralysis and she is an incredibly beautiful woman. 5’ 10”, blond, green eyes – supermodel material. Lately she’s been having pain in her facial nerve similar to the pain she experienced when they discovered the tumor. I am terrified that the tumor could be growing again and if they do another surgery, she will likely suffer complete paralysis of her stunningly beautiful face. My broken heart is nothing compared to what she’s been through and could potentially face again. She has an appointment with her neurologist on January 4, so I probably won’t be able to spend time with her until after her appointment.

We lost touch for a time in our lives but I found her again in May of this year and it was like there had never been an absence. Sadly, her mom, one of the most loving women I've ever known, passed away last December. They were best of friends and the loss has been devastating. My friend thinks a cosmic force brought us together at a time when we need each other's support more than ever. My guess is the cosmic force is her mom.

I had to run to my boss’ house to drop off some paperwork (he’s still recovering from his open heart surgery). I try to act like everything is fine, but he sees through me and presses me to tell him what is weighing so heavily on me. “Tell it to me straight, no B.S.” We’ve known each other for 11 years and are very close friends. I told him so many people I love are dealing with scary health issues (my boss, my sister, my best friend, plus the death of my other friend) and he accepted my explanation without further inquiry. He would be devastated to know the additional information I’m carrying. He loves and admires my husband tremendously. He respects OW. The stress of the uncertainty of the company because of this love triangle would be too much for him to bear while he’s recovering from such a major health scare of his own.

It was nice to sit and chat with him for a few minutes and it lifted my mood briefly. As I got in my car I was hit with a vision of my h and OW. Knowing that she knows every intimate detail of my h – probably more than I know considering I was the one in the dark – brought my reality back into focus.

I wish my C would hurry up and have a cancellation so I could talk to someone face to face. I’m searching for marriage counselors in the phone book and online, but I’d like to have his personal recommendation.

I've read threads of other posters before and thought, "why in the world would she even consider staying with this creep?" and I'm guessing that's what a lot of readers are thinking but not posting to my thread.

I keep telling myself to give it time. I don't know if I can move beyond such a long-term betrayal. I'm not the type of person who believes marriages should stay together if things aren't right. If it's bad enough: get out. If the hurt is too deep: cut bait and ... how does that saying go? Maybe it's just 'cut bait'.

Please know if you're reading this and thinking to yourself that I'm crazy, a) you may be right; and b) I'm just trying to get my footing before I make a decision.

Love to all.

[girlfromipanema]

Thank you for your beautiful words, thatgirl. Big hugs to you!