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A Message from Michele
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Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: dbmod] #2113545
12/13/10 02:58 PM
12/13/10 02:58 PM
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Posts: 5,299
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Coach Offline
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Coach  Offline
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Quote:
"If you are considering trying to save your marriage when your partner is unwilling to end the affair you can count on receiving lots of advice from people who know about the situation. The will undoubtedly tell you to stop being a doormat and go on with your life. You need to be the one who calls the shots on this one. This is, after all your life. You need to decide how you want to handle it. Trust your instincts. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do. If you're not ready to give up on your marriage, keep fighting."


Be decisive and do what your instinct knows is right and you will have your marriage back. Why let your WAS who is having an affair with a predator call all the shots?

That knot in your stomach is you acting in ways that go against your core being. My instinct as a man tells me to fix problems and protect my family. Fight for your marriage, fight is a verb an action word. If your goal is to save your marriage first define what marriage means to you. Then think thru a plan that will help you achieve that goal, take action, make adjustments as needed and keep working.

So what is your instinct telling you to do? Why? How can you do what your instinct is telling you to do and save your marriage? Pray for discernment and wisdom.

Strength and Honor
Coach


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: Coach] #2113561
12/13/10 04:02 PM
12/13/10 04:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 430
Illinois
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Sad_but_happy Offline
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Sad_but_happy  Offline
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Illinois
So then dbmod, please answer this straight forward question.

Should a WAS be allowed to continue an EA without consequence?

And if so please let me know what would make the WAS go back and work on the marriage? What would be their motivation?

Certainly not guilt. Do we just HOPE that the OM/OW is a loser and HOPE that our WAS MIGHT someday see that?

I'm just not willing to WAIT for my W to get sick of having sex with OM and then be grateful that they returned.

IM better then that and deserve more.

Staying married is the goal. But in some cases that is not possible.

In fact dare I say that a WAS that continues an A is a serial adulterer. And isn't that a reason to consider ending a marriage?


M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14
EA - July 2010
NC w/EA - Nov 2010
Piecing - Jan 2011
I ask for div - Jan 2012
Div papers filed - Mar 2012
I move out - July 2012
Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: Sad_but_happy] #2113576
12/13/10 05:20 PM
12/13/10 05:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
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dbmod Offline OP
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dbmod  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Sad_but_happy
So then dbmod, please answer this straight forward question.

Should a WAS be allowed to continue an EA without consequence?

And if so please let me know what would make the WAS go back and work on the marriage? What would be their motivation?

Certainly not guilt. Do we just HOPE that the OM/OW is a loser and HOPE that our WAS MIGHT someday see that?

I'm just not willing to WAIT for my W to get sick of having sex with OM and then be grateful that they returned.

IM better then that and deserve more.

Staying married is the goal. But in some cases that is not possible.

In fact dare I say that a WAS that continues an A is a serial adulterer. And isn't that a reason to consider ending a marriage?


You are asking a moral question and not a DB question. If you aren't willing to continue, you aren't willing to continue. End of debate.

YOU decide when you've had enough.


dbmod
Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: Coach] #2113579
12/13/10 05:28 PM
12/13/10 05:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
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dbmod Offline OP
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dbmod  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
"If you are considering trying to save your marriage when your partner is unwilling to end the affair you can count on receiving lots of advice from people who know about the situation. The will undoubtedly tell you to stop being a doormat and go on with your life. You need to be the one who calls the shots on this one. This is, after all your life. You need to decide how you want to handle it. Trust your instincts. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do. If you're not ready to give up on your marriage, keep fighting."


Be decisive and do what your instinct knows is right and you will have your marriage back. Why let your WAS who is having an affair with a predator call all the shots?

That knot in your stomach is you acting in ways that go against your core being. My instinct as a man tells me to fix problems and protect my family. Fight for your marriage, fight is a verb an action word. If your goal is to save your marriage first define what marriage means to you. Then think thru a plan that will help you achieve that goal, take action, make adjustments as needed and keep working.

So what is your instinct telling you to do? Why? How can you do what your instinct is telling you to do and save your marriage? Pray for discernment and wisdom.

Strength and Honor
Coach


Quote:

Don't let anyone else tell you what to do.


Last edited by dbmod; 12/13/10 05:28 PM.

dbmod
Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: dbmod] #2113580
12/13/10 05:30 PM
12/13/10 05:30 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 964
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DumpedforMIL Offline
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Quote:
"You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don't tell your spouse tha tyou are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently."

so if sex is the issue, then i should be having better/more sex with my h while he's having sex with OW as well cuz i'm trying to fill this need of his?

at what point do you realize that the WAS is cake eating with all this sex he's getting?

Quote:
And then of course, take care of yourself, do the things that
make you happy, because that is more attractive, and you deserve to be happy.

something doesn't sit well with me on this because you are basically saying .. spouse is priority #1 and the LBS is priority #2. when your WAS has already put you on the low priority list, putting yourself #2 basically confirms to the WAS that you are of lesser value. how is this attractive?

when you're focused on filling your spouse's needs, you will come across as needy and clingy .. and that's unattractive.

i'm just trying to filter through the advice.

D4MIL

Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: Sad_but_happy] #2113581
12/13/10 05:37 PM
12/13/10 05:37 PM
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Quote:
And if so please let me know what would make the WAS go back and work on the marriage? What would be their motivation?

i'd like to know this too. i don't think this is moral question.

Quote:
I'm just not willing to WAIT for my W to get sick of having sex with OM and then be grateful that they returned.

IM better then that and deserve more.

i agree with this. you have to stand up for yourself. you didn't run off like a coward to find OP to have your needs met. you need to see the value in yourself.

i'm all for marriages but not the point where your dignity and self-respect gets whittled down to nothing.

good questions.

D4MIL

Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: dbmod] #2113583
12/13/10 05:47 PM
12/13/10 05:47 PM
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Coach Offline
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Quote:
You are asking a moral question and not a DB question.


That's the knot in your stomach, your instinct telling you something is wrong. Stress is trying to tell you something. Watching your wife leave your home to spend "time" with another man should be against your morals. You don't control your spouse but why enable behavior that is harmful to all parties involved? Is it loving to your woman to not speak up and act in her, your marriage and family's best interests? You made a vow in front of both families & God to "love, honor and cherish" her, think thru that and make sure your actions are lining up with your word.

You can still continue to DB and see positive results while setting boundaries about three people in your marriage. You have to be willing to prepare for either outcome. It's not as simple as - "If I do this then that will happen." Focus on what you can control.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: dbmod] #2113656
12/13/10 10:08 PM
12/13/10 10:08 PM
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Posts: 2,694
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TimeHeals Offline
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Quote:
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself.



I can solve this mystery for most of the cases out there: somebody new is exciting. Hey, mix in new with intrigue and the thrill you get just from doing something you're not supposed to be doing, and you've got a recipe for exciting, passinate stuff.

Wooo-hooo.

So what are you going to do with that?

Not that there won't be rationalizations.

From the mouth of a spouse who cheated:

Quote:
You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment


M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: Coach] #2113662
12/13/10 10:30 PM
12/13/10 10:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 430
Illinois
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Sad_but_happy Offline
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Illinois
Let me preface what I'm about to say with the fact that I am a very happy, easy going person. Love life and am usually up beat. I am not writing this with anger. But this issue of exposed infidelity angers me so...

I stand firm in the following belief:

That my marriage is worth saving at all costs UNLESS I feel disrespected and objectified by HER CHOOSING to do the following:

Having me...
Pay for the car that drives my W to OM (WITH ME KNOWING IT)
Pay for the computer my W uses to email OM (WITH ME KNOWING IT)
Pay for the phone my W uses to text OM (WITH ME KNOWING IT)
Pay for the phone bill my W uses to call OM (WITH ME KNOWING IT)


This is my sitch (where she stays home and I make the money). I realize that there are other sitch's where the WAS makes the money. And in those cases it is MY OPINION the LBS shout STILL ask the WAS to leave the house.

Keep in mind, I'm not saying that the LBS should give up on the M if the WAS refuses to stop the A. I'm simply saying that if the WAS refuses to give up an exposed affair, then the WAS should leave the house. That is a healthier solution for all involved INCLUDING any children.

Here is my thought process...

If my DD were to meet and marry a man, and that man started an A and kept the A going even though my DD "out’ed" him, I would ask DD to leave her H. Why you ask? That may not be what's best for her you say?

All one would need to do is look into the eyes of a LBS where their partners are carrying on an A right in front of their face and know the best course of action.

No one should live with that kind of pain. The kind where MOST PEOPLE (not all) can't work or eat or sleep.

Am I projecting me feelings toward the masses? Yup! But I wonder how many actually disagree with my feelings.

And dbmod, you DO need to think about morals in the context of DB. Without morals, there is no respect, and if I don't respect my W we are doomed anyway! So yes, I require a moral W that can make reasonable choices within a reasonable time frame. That means no cake eating on my watch!


M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14
EA - July 2010
NC w/EA - Nov 2010
Piecing - Jan 2011
I ask for div - Jan 2012
Div papers filed - Mar 2012
I move out - July 2012
Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Re: (NA) Re: Friendship option and other Hot topics [Re: TimeHeals] #2113666
12/13/10 10:39 PM
12/13/10 10:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
California
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angel61 Offline
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California
Here is my two cents:

I think the DB/DR approach is very good especially when you are st the start of the crisis. It gives you something to dtart with, help in clearing your mind, stopping the crazy cycle of pursuing , begging, pleading, and more important but not really emphasized in the book, is letting go of your ANGER. Because I found out that the most destructive of all is to be angry, that is when you argue, defend, attack, are unreasonable and end up pushing your spouse away. DB'ing buys you time.

Detaching is the most important aspect, I think, when the initial crisis is over. This leads to the "friendshp" like stage. This is when you GAL, read, educate yourself, consider your option, and also, start trying to attract your spouse back if it suits you, create a connection if possible. It creates an atmosphere of calm, which enables you to view the sitch more clearly, WHATEVER YOUR SPOUSE IS DOING, WHETHER ITS EA, PA, CRAZINESS, AS LONG AS HE IS NOT BEATING YOU UP OR THE KIDS!

At this point, YOU then get to decide what you want to do.In mnay sitches, the above works by either making your spouse realize that the homelife is OK, or maybe at least keeps them from fleeing. Then now comes YOUR side: Do you want to start setting boundaries? Is it time? Can you take the moral aspect, the religious aspect?

In a way, DB/DR is like saying "take 10 deep breaths...." but aside from that, it also says "and do this and this while you are counting.... an action plan! For smeone at their wits end,like I was, it was a God send!


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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