The different path... Continued

[Mystik]

It was a great movie. Definitely worth re-seeing.

[Mystik]

Had a dream about H last night. In my dream I was yelling at him, really letting him have it. We were at where he lives, but it was a different place. OW was there, I heard her telling H that I was mentally unstable and had no respect for her by making such a scene at her home. I remember H telling me that he had his life all together, why didn't I and I said I did have it all together, and then he left. After I was done yelling I walked down the block with DS and sat on the curb. H came over, sat next to me and hugged me. I asked why and he said we did have 8 years together. I woke up feeling very confused.

[Mystik]

Had to take DS to the doctor this morning, he has another sinus infection. So I let H know that I had to meet him at the exchange point at a later time so I could get DS from my mother's, pack his bag and fill his prescription. A few hours after he got DS he called me, I answered thinking it was either DS calling or H calling about DS. I should have let it go to voice mail. H was ranting and raving that I never tell him anything about DS's doctor appointments and how can I expect him to pay me when I never let him know I took DS to the doctor, I'm supposed to clear it with him first. He said the car insurance wasn't even in our paperwork. I said that I didn't feel the need to remind him each month about it, he knew it was due and he knew I was paying it. I agreed he owed it and said he wants to see receipts of what he owes instead of me just giving him a spreadsheet of it and I told him that I put the payments he gave me that I have record of on the spreadsheet, so if he thinks he paid more he needs to prove it. He asked about a divorce and I said I was waiting for him to file, I don't want it so I'm not going to file. He said I keep changing my story about it, that I said I was going to fight it. He reminded me of his offer to let me claim DS to pay off his tab, I didn't respond. After about five minutes of listening to him spew I told him I was in the middle of a store and needed to go, he said since I avoid talking to him he would take what he could get and hung up. I am so sorry that I answered the phone, I should have let it go to voicemail then checked the message and called back if it was about DS.

Feeling upset and burdened now after taking in all his spew. I just miss him so much, it's hard to separate the H I knew from this alien I am now dealing with. I'm sure OW is pressuring him so that's why he called me all upset tonight, especially since he has DS and I hope to God that DS did not hear the conversation. I tried the DBT skills I've been learning, was hard to focus on them. Talking to him really brought my mood down but I didn't withdraw as much as I normally would have. I tried to put it out of my mind but now that I'm home and alone it's up there ruminating away.

I miss my H. I miss our marriage. I miss the emotional intimacy of sharing a life with someone. I miss the physical intimacy and the connected it formed. I miss the friendship we had.

[bluestar]

You may miss what you had but I see a woman who is beginning to get her power back. Your therapy is working at least subconsciously. You are safe in your dreams to vent the anger you haven't allowed yourself to feel. Believe me, you are angry and it needs to come out.

You handled the phone call as well as you could since it caught you off guard. His son is sick and need to go to the Dr. You do not need to "clear" it with him. Go back to the parenting plan examples. Primary parent(you) gets to call those shots unless it's life and death. Next time, don't engage at all. Just end the call. You've filed legal papers. Let your L handle it. Refer your H to him. Your H has already proven that he cannot be trusted to be fair to you.

As far as being alone tonight, find a bookstore with late hours, a late night movie, all night coffee shop. Like your therapist said, try something different. Don't sit around stewing on it.

This was a real break through tonight, Mystik. I am so proud of you!!!

[Mystik]

Thanks bluestar. I ended up going to bed, once the sleeping meds kicked in I was all set.

H doesn't know I have a lawyer, wanted that to be a surprise for him. But yeah, he was being unreasonable. He expects me to tell him every time I keep DS home from school for crying out loud. I am the physical custodial parent, I agree that unless it's major like he needs surgery or needs braces or a life and death matter that there's no need to consult him. If he wants to know all those day to day details then he should have come home.

However knowing all that doesn't stop me from feeling stressed over his phone call.

[newmama]

Mystik, don't worry-- you called it "spew" for a reason! Your H was obviously ticked off and stressed about who knows what (heh heh) so he took it out on the dr. appt. I would never think to "clear" a dr.appt with exH!!! You are his mom! geez.

You did well to get out of that conversation. Keep up the strength!

[Mystik]

Thank you. Yes, trying to remember that it was spew, not to be taken to heart.

Got the loan check on Friday and over half of it is gone. Got myself a lot of new clothes that I really needed, and almost all of DS's Christmas presents. He is one spoiled boy, although some of the stuff I got will be set aside for his birthday in February.

Tomorrow just going to clean house. In the morning I have to unload the trunk, was too tired when I got home to do it. Bring the stuff I can't hide here to my sister's. Hope her closet is big enough. *lol*

[Mystik]

Had a thought about what led to the marriage falling apart. Feel very sure that my depression was the main factor. Neither of us understood what I was dealing with. Neither of us knew how to handle it. I wish so much that I had the understanding years ago that I have now. I wish I could educate H about the depression and how it impacted me, as if it would make a difference.

[Mystik]

Oh yeah, that irresponsible girl whose marriage is dead but wanted another baby because "we're best friends and good co-parents" is pregnant. At home artificial insemination, they don't even have sex anymore. It was like a punch in the gut when I saw her Facebook post announcing it.

[Mystik]

Dreamt about H last night. Don't remember the specifics but he was asking lots of questions that I had to answer about DS. Think it was "inspired" by the call from Friday night and my fear he's going to harp on it some more when I pick up DS today.