In general, if you are in the LRT--which means you do not want to be pursuing--a gift is likely to be a bad idea.
For those not in the LRT--there are lots of shades of gray here. In fact, NOT giving a gift can be a problem, especially if you're a man whose spouse feels more love when she's given a special gift.
We are talking, but only about the children, nothing about us.
I have totally detached and let go, but feel there is hope, so I'm really confused on what to do for the best.
I usually go over board with presents, so i want to change the expected, but is giving nothing too much of a change?
Its her birthday just before, but I've got a lovely boxed bottle of vintage champagne that I'm giving her for that, but Xmas is a different issue, also do I buy her a gift from the kids?
What happens if I buy her something, but she doesn't return the gesture, will it make her look bad?, but what if it's the other way round, do I just look petty??
IMO, the safest route in gifts would be something that was about the kids. There are all types of jewelery with birthstones, etc., but that might be too much for the WAW. She would feel pressure about wearing it.
Maybe a beautiful picture of your children in a picture fame that has their names engraved.
When it has something to do with her children and nothing about you & her, she'll be more receptive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have the exact same issue. My W specifically said yesterday "I do not want gifts from you". At same time I know that one of the biggest issues in our R has been lack of thoughtfullness. So I already purchased a few small gifts for my W, that are well thoughout and not simply "purchases". Now I've considered just putting "from Santa" on them or having each gift be from the children. I'm really worried that this is a test, and even though she's said not to get her gifts. She will be angry/disappointed if I simply comply.
At the same time, it leads me to believe that she isn't getting me a gift (which is fine with me) but I certainly don't want her to feel guilty if I get her something.
I hate this whole sitch so much.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
My H's birthday is this week, and then Christmas is coming up. He's filed for D, I haven't been served yet (2 weeks and counting). I did buy him presents - thoughtful things that I think he will like, but on a much lesser scale than if he were living with me. One of the presents is a framed picture of the kids, as sandi2 recommended, because he doesn't have any pictures of them in his apartment. The others are connected to his hobbies.
All of the gifts will be marked from the kids so that he can accept them without feeling obligated. I'm also making mini cakes today and will let the kids bring him one with a candle for his birthday. My kids are little enough that they can't pick out (or pay for) presents on their own, so he'll know they are from me.
I have no expectations whatsoever that I will get something from him, even labelled from the kids. And I'm okay with that. These are gifts - no response necessary. I would say don't give anything if you are doing it for a potential reaction, because that's not a gift, and your WAS will know it.
After months of limited contact with my WAW, I sent her flowers for thanksgiving. I made the card to her and the kids. Said I was thankful for all of them, they are all special. I then invited her over for dinner and signed the card "Love, Dad and Jeff." When she called to thank me, she sounded genuinely happy. She did come over for dinner.
I debated about sending the flowers. I decided to do so this time without expectation. In the past, I gave her things expecting a response and always got hurt. I did it this time because I wanted to, not to illicit a response (although if you really analyze it, I suppose I am-I just didn't live or die by the response). I felt good for doing it.
I will probably do something for Christmas, but the spirit hasn't moved me yet. If it doesn't, I won't. I'd like to initiate contact with her again, but I can't figure that out yet either.
My son's school has a art website in which the kids art from art class goes on and they sell tee shirts,mugs,calenders ect with the art work on it, so thats what I did, I ordered a mug with my sons art work on it for my stbx. I was totally shocked on my birthday my stbx got me 2 tickets to the rockettes show, must have been a guilt thing. but my son and I went and had a wonderful time. I want my son to see that we can be civil, he is only 6 yrs old and you learn by example as I found out my stbx learned some bad examples from his own mother, I wont make those mistakes. As hard as it is to be civil sometimes, when I look at my son it only makes me think about him growing up to be a respectful young man.
Lesson I just learned - make sure that you label everything as from the kids if you're unsure of the welcome. I bought two small gifts for H's birthday from the kids but only labelled one - he sent the other back unopened.
Again, this is MHO, but every year at this time I see a lot of excuses that the LBS uses to give gifts to the WAS. It is pursuing when it is between LBS & WAS.
Here's what some folks don't understand. Say that the LBH was never great at giving personal gifts. So now, he is thinking he's doing a 180 by giving her a Christmas present. However, it could be one of those things that you should not do while in LRT b/c it will not set well with her. It could be a huge turn-off. Especially if the WAW has left the home. It does not seem appropriate.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
