So my wife and I have been separated since September. In that time my wife has hired a lawyer for $5,000 which isn’t a small amount for her; which really led me to believe we had reached the end of our road together. I know she has been on a few dates; I’ve been on a few as well; we stopped arguing and really hammered out an agreement on how we were going to live separately. I know I have been feeling awful about the divorce; but I have done a good job in the last few months of not letting her know it. All indications to this point are that she is happy with the separation (aside from the time she is away from our daughter when she is with me). I’ve also lost about 30lbs during the separation; I’ve been dieting and exercising more (not much else to do).
So the last few days I’ve been feeling low; as I said I’ve been on a few dates but in that time I know I’m not over my wife; and that hit home the last few days.
So this morning I wrote a txt to my wife asking how she was doing. She said she was ok but that she hated the winter and told me something about our daughter. She asked how I was. I told her I was great and that I lost over 30lbs, that the winter isn’t so bad and talked about our daughter. She than told me I shouldn’t loss any more weight cause I’ll get too skinny. I said I still have plenty of fat to loss and that I’m not skinny yet; I then slipped and said that I missed her. She replied “You look good, don’t be one of those skinny guys now” and said she missed me too and then asked me over for sushi.
I said I would go to dinner with her and the baby tonight. But I don’t know if I should. I know I have expectations (long term, I plan to just go home tonight no matter what happens), but I don’t know how she feels; I could be setting myself up.
Dug, why not go to dinner? My W left in Sept too but we are a couple again. You can go to dinner and just be happy to be around D? If she said she missed you (1st time since she left?) she may really miss u. Being ok with things worked for me. It seems to really affect them when you just agree with them that its not working. BTW I lost 20pds. Not a good diet though!
I do plan to go to dinner tonight with her and my Daughter even if nothing comes from it and I get hurt; I know that wont compared to the regret I will have latter that if didn’t go.
This would be the second time she told me she missed me since she left. The first time was about two weeks into the separation and was not prompted by me. I kind of ignored it back then, because I figured absence would make the heart grow fonder rather than falling back into our old patterns of waffling on separation. Maybe your right about the agreeing with them part.
My diet isn’t the best ether; it’s not all that bad though and its defiantly better than what it was. I cut out a lot of carbs (my guilty pleasure) and cut back on my portions a lot; but I haven’t been eating more healthier foods. I have also been running 6 mills every few days which I didn’t do in the past, and especially since my daughter was born (she’s 7 months).
Go to dinner, but prepare yourself to go with no expectations. That way you will not leave yourself open to being hurt. Enjoy it for what it is and enjoy your D. Think of it as bonus time with your daughter.
Make sure you look good, smell good and ask what you can do to help out. Better yet, pitch in, whether it's helping with the baby, dinner or clean up.
Do not initiate any R talk and do not tell her you love or miss her. You've told her once and she knows it.
Go and have a good time and leave your W with a good impression.
Go to dinner, but prepare yourself to go with no expectations. That way you will not leave yourself open to being hurt. Enjoy it for what it is and enjoy your D. Think of it as bonus time with your daughter.
Make sure you look good, smell good and ask what you can do to help out. Better yet, pitch in, whether it's helping with the baby, dinner or clean up.
Do not initiate any R talk and do not tell her you love or miss her. You've told her once and she knows it.
Go and have a good time and leave your W with a good impression.
You can do this!
I agree, take it as it is and enjoy the time.
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
My H (who moved out in Oct) came to dinner Sunday night. It was the best "family" dinner we had had in a very, very long time. I suggested to him that we do this periodically and he tentatively agreed "for the kids". It makes me sad that my youngest will have zero memories of being with two loving parents, and I think this is a good step for him. Will probably be good for your little D too. And, if those dinners give H and I a relaxing time to get to know each other again, maybe something more will come of it. And maybe not. But as long as I can take it, I would like to have that time as a family for my children and for me.
The big question is whether you can take it - the raised hopes that may be dashed?
The dinner went well; we went out for Sushi and had a good time.
During the night she asked if I had gone out on any dates. I told her I had but was not interested in anyone particular. She seemed surprised and maybe happy that I had gone out on dates.
She told me about a guy she’s dated. I’ve heard of him before as I noticed flowers from him when I came to the house a few weeks ago. She said this guy was a lawyer with kids of his own and that his wife went crazy or something. She said he was nice, but was always busy and will be taking a job that will make him even more busy. I didn’t ask my wife about her dating; it seemed as if she wanted to tell me.
After the dinner we went back to the house to drop them off; she took my upstairs to show me how she painted a room and we joked about the mistakes she had made. I than went to leave, she was holding the baby so I gave the baby a kiss and proceeded for the door; she than gave me a weird hug.
On the drive home I felt angry; while the night went well, she was defiantly being cold and trying to act like an old friend. So your defiantly right about being able to take the emotional ups and downs of seeing her like this.
Today we txted more and I told her I wanted cheese fries, a dish we get at one of our regular restaurants that we both like a lot. She asked if I wanted to go get them tomorrow.
I wish I could go to dinner with my W. She had told me that she was going to date and I should too since we know nothing else...we were each others first BF/GF and stayed together and got married. I guess I was in denial about her dating until yesterday when I found out for sure that she had gone on dates and has a BF now and I am pretty sure they are sexually involved. I've made a commitment to myself that I won’t date or have sexual relations with anybody else…is this a good idea? Will she see it as me just not listening to her once again? Or will my faithfulness to her be a good thing if I can get her to reconsider?
If you ask me I think it’s a mistake for you to wait on your wife like you’re doing. Not that I blame you I know exactly how you feel; and I need to kind of force myself to pick up the phone and ask someone out on a date; it’s not like it use to be when I was younger and couldn’t wait to get a girls number and call her.
Forget about her thinking you don’t listen to her; its really more about you and you being happy. When you don’t reconcile with your wife; you going to be even angrier at the time you wasted waiting for her; and the time you need to make up in the awkward phase I am in now. You also need the self esteem boost that goes along with entraining a lady friend. I think that up lift in attitude will do more to save your marriage than a gesture of faithfulness that your wife really can’t see. You don’t need to sleep with these women if you don’t want; so you can still hold on to a level of your faithfulness.
Also if you do reconcile with your wife and she has had another man or been on dates; while you haven’t there will be a level on animosity between you. And maybe you will start to wonder what it would have been like to have looked around during your brake, leading to you maybe staying, even mentally, in the future when you should be in a newly recommitted relationship with your wife.
And don’t worry about your wife being with another man; two outcomes can happen: 1) she doesn’t come back to you and so it really doesn’t matter. 2) She does come back to you, and what that would mean is that you’re the better guy, you’re the winner and you can puff your chest out about it. You said your wife was your high school love, so maybe you didn’t experience the thrill of chasing a girl even when other guys liked her too. And when you got the girl you could sit proud as the king over all others. Well you have that chance now; but you’re not going to win by sitting in your room by yourself; you got to get out their; maybe make your wife a little jealous. Show her that you are fun to be around and if she doesn’t act fast she might loss you forever.
even if nothing comes from it and I get hurt; I know that wont compared to the regret I will have latter that if didn’t go.