Your New Years post is inspiring! Warrior is right. There are many people reading here who may never post. Sharing your struggles and accomplishments on your journey inspires everyone. You are one strong lady!
Thanks all - I'm thinking that my STBXH has made some resolutions of his own and has sent 4 texts today regarding making plans with S. Then added one that said "hope 2011 is good 4 u" --
God presents me these challenges. I drop the last thread - H initiates contact after months of none?????? By dropping the thread does not mean I have forgiven him. My work is about forgiving me and building my life. S is 17 years old - he knows that I will support him with whatever decisions he makes. He is not ready for a full-on relationship with his father right now although it appears that H may have made a resolution to step up his contact there as well.
I think I'm sent these challenges so that I don't get lazy about these changes I need to make. New year - new view:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
He is not ready for a full-on relationship with his father right now although it appears that H may have made a resolution to step up his contact there as well.
Hi Irish - I've been reading along for most of your posts and you should be very proud of yourself for the personal progress you have made throughout this difficult journey.
You are doing great and you will only get better from here. Certainly you are learning to become less co-dependent, understanding that you are on a journey to finding what makes you tick - what makes you an authentic, whole woman - those things that are inside you.
One thing I’ve noticed in your posts is a little bit of a propensity to continue to involve yourself in your son’s relationship with his dad. Irish, your son is 17 now and just as this is a journey for you about how to speak for yourself, set boundaries, define relationships – so is it a journey for him. This is a good, albeit painful, lesson for your son in how to develop mature relationships with men who are close to him. Boys/young men need to learn that stuff for themselves. It’s a critical part of becoming a man.
Step back from that relationship Irish. Let your husband and son work it out. They will have to live with whatever falls out of this for the rest of their lives and it’s up to them to figure it out together. I can see you want to protect your son. I understand that. But as our children grow up, we have to trust that we have instilled the values that will set them in good stead for the future. You need to trust now that your son can develop the relationship with his dad that he needs – and as painful as it is for you – that’s between them, it doesn’t really have anything to do with you.
Blessings for the New Year.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks for that perspective. You are right about me needing to step back - I keep trying to protect S - and maybe sometimes still H. I think I get frustrated because I feel like I have to deal with the aftermath of their interactions and I keep wanting to "fix" things for my S. I want him to be happy - I want him to be OK.
I wonder sometimes how to know what is "justifiable" anger versus being judgmental. Has anyone else struggled with this?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Good for you for feeling this is your year. Make it so.
You and I have discussed what Walking wrote many times. And it is time for you to stop protecting your son and your h.
My son was just about your son's age when all this started. It's a tough age without any of this;
And I felt as you did, I wanted to do whatever I could to make son happy and ok.
But I realized that the very best thing I could do is to get out of the way of that relationship. I always made sure that I never got in the way of it. I never said a bad word about his father. Not one.Ever.
The rest, well, that is for them to forge That's not to say if your so comes to you upset or confused, you cant listen lovingly, and hold him, if need be. But. you really need to let them figure it out.
He is looking to you to see how to do this. If you are ok, then he will be too. You are his touchstone, his beacon on how to navigate through lives hurdles.
Show him how to do it from a place of strength and honor.
As far as what is justifiable anger or judgemental - I think you feel what you feel. It doesnt really matter which it is, it matters what you do with the feeling,
You need to stop worrying about whether or not you or your son are having the right feelings. Just deal with them as best you can, and continue moving forward;
IB, trust your son. Trust that he has learned from you, Trust that he can figure this out. His relationship with his father is going to be ongoing - good at times, terrible at others.And that's ok.
Listen, this is a tough thing for your son. And our instinct as a mother is to want to make it all better. But, in the end, the very best thing you give your son is power over his own life.
I'd like to see you work on what makes you happy, sweetie. You deserve some me time, too.
That is great insight about IB's Son. I have a D16 and I do want to be a great pillar of strength and light for her.
I do want her to know that no one deserves this, and the I love her father, but now I am taking care of me. I hope she takes lead from me and know that she will be okay too!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
