I can do this...

[punkin]

Irish,

Wonderful thoughts. Just keep them on the Board. As good as it might feel to say them to him or her, it's a momentary pleasure you pay for a leisure. But you are right about each and every one of them.

Me - I just plan to send out my usual cards and sign them with just my name. Just another of the the services I provided throughout the years that I am now only doing for myself!

[cat4554]

Thanks Zen - you are TOO kind!

Question for the Board...

How do you share information of new "status" in Christmas cards/newsletters, etc.
We always sent one out and we have a lot of people out of town who do not know.

Looking for language:)

Irish,

First I would like to say, your prayer to the OW is what we would ALL say. So I feel your pain. But really she isn't the problem, our husbands are. They are too blame. Don't worry, I do believe in Karma and it comes back, trust me. It happened to me.

Second of all, I sent out my Christmas cards. I signed only my name and my sons. Then for those who didn't know, I just wrote a small note stating that my H and I are separated. He turned out to be a man that would hurt me more than I could ever imagine. He broke up our family and caused me to be on medication. Please understand and keep us in your prayers so we can heal.

I never said he cheated. Let them read between the lines.

You know what, a former co worker of mine sent me a beautiful card about starting my new journey. She wrote me a lovely supportive note BUT sadly, her sister in her 40's is experiencing the same thing. Her sister has 2 little boys, 8 & 10.

So see, she read between the lines.

What I still find so amazing is the amount of people going through this. I am so baffled. Not including this board, I can count on 2 hands how many men and women have acted so foolishly and left their spouse. Most have divorced. A woman I know, her H did the same as mine in many ways, always sweet talking to come back then BAM, he was fooling around AGAIN. She finally met someone by introduction from co workers and has never been happier. Her words, " I thought the love I had with Wade was perfect and wonderful. Well, it is not. The love I have with my current guy is really what love is about. I never knew love could be this wonderful."

I am really starting to believe there is a better life for us out there without all this drama.

As I said before in other threads, when I reflect back, my H wasn't always a nice guy to me. Too many hurts.

Finding him on Plenty of Fish dating site by accident was my wake up call. I swear, it was Divine Intervention. Someone above is watching out for me and said, " wake up cat4554, move on."

I am !!!

Hope you find the peace & love that you deserve. We ALL DESERVE a better life.

[Albuquerque]

I sent out my Christmas cards. I signed only my name and my sons. Then for those who didn't know, I just wrote a small note stating that my H and I are separated. He turned out to be a man that would hurt me more than I could ever imagine. He broke up our family and caused me to be on medication. Please understand and keep us in your prayers so we can heal.

I never said he cheated. Let them read between the lines.

Everyone needs to do what they need to do Cat, but I completely disagree with this approach. If you are looking to make sure your H doesn't come back or if you don't want him back, this is a good approach. I'm assuming you want to repair your marriage or you would not be on this forum. Actions like that do nothing but make waves and places your mutual family and friends in an awkward situation. Perhaps you feel your H deserves to be demeaned to all your family and friends. That does not mean it is right to do so. Signing the card from yourself and your son only was probably enough to send the message. If it makes anyone concerned about what the "status" might be, they can call or email. I realize you're new here and would recommend you concentrate on the resources. Talking about your R issues to family and friends such as that (and in such a harsh mannner) is completely against all DB recommendations and (IMHO) for good reason.

[punkin]

'Fraid I agree with Alb here Cat. Anyone I would send a Christmas card to already knows the situation. Those that don't, don't require an explaination from me. I've just signed my name, perhaps added a little "Merry Christmas" note, and drove on.

[hope for zen]

How do you share information of new "status" in Christmas cards/newsletters, etc. We always sent one out and we have a lot of people out of town who do not know.

For me having such a young child and not having even been served divorce papers, I am being pretty conservative. Holiday cards don’t really seem like the right place to make this announcement to me, but that is just my opinion.

D3 is actually doing all the 'work' and carefully signing her own name. I will probably sign my name too, but its not such a neat trick as it is for a 3 year old. I plan to give H the opportunity to sign any cards he wants to. I won't mail them late if he fails to do it though. I also am not sending cards to 'just his' friends. That just seems pushy to me, and H never really cared about sending cards to them either.

Three things keep me from announcing anything in my cards right now. First is that regardless of my R with my H, he is still my little girl's daddy so I will treat him with respect. He will always be central to her family, even if he is not central to mine.

Second, those who I want to know have been told or will be told individually. If my only contact is a holiday card, then to me they are not close enough to share such a difficult part of my life.

Third, I have not shut the door on my H returning home. I am moving on and detaching, but I am keeping my ‘options’ open. Nothing is final yet.

[ericmsant2]

Irish,

Regarding your 1st post on this thread….

Instead of questioning if you should or should not have had the conversion with your H about the boundaries with your S, maybe you should accept that it is PERFECTLY HEALTHY to stand up for what you believe in. Stop questioning yourself or your choices. Do not be afraid to be the strong women that many of us can see in YOU.

I am still wearing my wedding band when he is taking his new love to family events.

It’s funny, you believe you used to have a better handle on YOUR morals – YET you are still wearing your weeding band. Have you consider that you are wearing it because YOU are LIVING YOUR MORALS. Stop questioning yourself. Believe Irish – Believe in YOU.

I have a serious problem with him exposing the kids to his new love life when we are still legally married.

To me, this ^^^^ is another example of YOU living BY YOUR Morals.

I don't think I have a good sense of reality any longer. Guide me friends towards real world normalcy!

MY perception = my reality.

My reality is what I perceive.

Right?

Wrong?

Depends on which way you look at is – does it not?

Maybe a better way to look at it is…

What reality does Irish want to perceive? Can she accept that which she cannot control? Can you detach and accept that she is the only person responsible for her ACTIONS and LIFE.

Hmmmm….

OR is HIS realty peppered by the old saying that MLC = confusion.

I'm not sure I understand the relationship I should be having with him.

Irish, think about this for a second…..

What R should you be having with him….hmmm…

What R do YOU want with him RIGHT NOW? (outside of course of a reconciliation) Think of the R you want as the person that you are becoming but afraid to fully embrace. Would you want to be friends with him with him toting around OW? Would you want to be his pal with the spew that he is tossed your way? Would you want to be compassionate and loving even IF he does not reciprocate? Thing for a second…..WHAT DO YOU WANT? It is not what I or anyone else on the boards can tell you. The R you have with him should be the R that YOU feel comfortable with at the time and should be consistent with who IRISH is. I know what the type of R I would have but that’s me. Who is IRISH. What I see is you fighting yourself a bit here. Fighting because you are changing and the changes feel funny. They are not the old Irish. Embrace them GIRL! Try on the new Irish. The strong, morally sound, committed, loving, compassionate, kick butt mom Irish person. This Irish should define the R that you want with your H…..

IF

YOU TRUST YOURSELF.

God Bless,
Eric

[cat4554]

Everyone needs to do what they need to do Cat, but I completely disagree with this approach. If you are looking to make sure your H doesn't come back or if you don't want him back, this is a good approach. I'm assuming you want to repair your marriage or you would not be on this forum. Actions like that do nothing but make waves and places your mutual family and friends in an awkward situation. Perhaps you feel your H deserves to be demeaned to all your family and friends. That does not mean it is right to do so. Signing the card from yourself and your son only was probably enough to send the message. If it makes anyone concerned about what the "status" might be, they can call or email. I realize you're new here and would recommend you concentrate on the resources. Talking about your R issues to family and friends such as that (and in such a harsh mannner) is completely against all DB recommendations and (IMHO) for good reason.

Did I say that Irish had to do what I did ? NO. I just stated what I did. Everyone does what works best for them. For me, I am so done with him. I am moving forward. DETACH. That's what he did, that is what I am doing.

You have every right to say what you want and how you handle things, are you telling me that I can't be on this forum because I have a difference of opinion on how I handle things ? HMMMM...

[ericmsant2]

Cat4554

I do not want to speak for Alb, who btw I have a ton of respect for...but I do not think that the intent was to tell you that you should not be on this forum.

Differences in opinions are good and healthy. I believe shes was just highlighting the DB approach. That all.

Having said this...the old saying is if it stings....we'll ya need to look at it.

God Bless,
Eric

[handlingplanb]

If you have the time, energy, and desire to send out Christmas cards - congratulations!! That's something I gave up years ago (way before the bomb.......). I spend time and share greetings with those that are important to me. Those that I care to know about my "sitch" know (but then for me it's been quite a bit longer than most).

For me, it is so hard to deal with the holidays - the emotions and all the good memories that now seem tarnished by what has transpired - working on starting new traditions and focusing on what I still have - that spending time on Christmas cards truly seems like something I don't want to spend my time on. Christmas greetings should not stir up any kind of stress or bitterness. IMOO (just an opinion) , if you can't send a Christmas (CHRISTMAS) card without putting something negative (in any way) in it, I wouldn't do it. AND don't stress about it - focus on you and your family!

[Albuquerque]

Cat4554

I do not want to speak for Alb, who btw I have a ton of respect for...but I do not think that the intent was to tell you that you should not be on this forum.

Thanks Eric, and yes, you are correct. It was certainly not my intention to give that impression. Everyone is welcome on this forum. HOWEVER, I will say that the purpose of this forum is to gather individuals together that have similar situations and want to learn to deal with their unfortunate situation in a similar way. I've been to other forums where I've found the general demeanor to be very negative. I find this DB forum to be a positive place where people can feel comfortable venting about their issues. But along with the venting comes the growth and learning about OURSELVES.
Cat, that is why I recommended going through the resources and learning about how to truly find yourself amidst all the pain and hurt that you're feeling. If you've decided you are done with the M and want to move on, that is fine. That is a decision only you can make. But unless you truly look at yourself honestly and evaluate what role YOU had to play with the problems in the M, you may soon find yourself unhappy again. That is why the focus needs to not be on our spouses, but on ourselves.

My apologies IB for the hijack! Cat, we can certainly continue this conversation if you'd like, on your thread.