Beginning of the End, or of the Beginning

[Mike.4545]

Maxing out post-limit on my original thread which can be seen here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110106&#Post2110106

Now here we go...gonna be an interesting week.

[Mike.4545]

My last post from my original thread:

Thanks for the input GK and CG.

For a little clarification, my intent for this letter is not to ask for my W to make an ultimate decision about our marriage, to get her to see the light, or to get her to come running back. It will be fairly short and concise and basically say I love you, I want nothing more than to save our relationship, but I cannot, and will not remain in the picture if you're unable to end things with the OM, and continue to prove so through complete transparency.

I'm not filing or asking her to file. I'm just saying that she cannot have me as a part of her life if she isn't ready to stop harming me in these ways emotionally.

I know she won't scoff at the letter, and I'm not doing it for any kind of appreciation. I see it going 1 of 2 ways.

1. If she agrees to end contact with OM, then she'll have to prove this through transparency of all her communications/financial accounts (and a few other ideas I have)...beyond a shadow of a doubt. That's all I'm asking for now as I believe working on our marriage is beyond her at this point in time. She'll have to use all her energy just to mourn the loss of that relationship and she'll have to get through that before she'll be in a place to look back at our marriage.

2. If she does not agree, then I will not accept anymore communication from her in any form, until (if ever) she is ready to agree to end her relationship with OM permanently and adhere to my requests in the letter. If she does not agree, then she will likely resume her relationship with OM and she may file for D, but whatever...I'm would just start living my life as though she is not, and never again will be a part of it.

[undefeated]

A lot of people are probably going to hate

She'll have to use all her energy just to mourn the loss of that relationship and she'll have to get through that before she'll be in a place to look back at our marriage.

I, however, get it. I was originally told when I first came here that an A is not an R. Period. I tend to disagree, but hey, it's just my opinion.

I would say you should ignore the "mourning" and not tell her you think it's ok. That kind of sympathy/acceptance may lead to a relapse. Accept that this is part of the process, but it's her process, not yours. Don't offer to help with that; just keep doing what you do.

[dbmod]

Mike-

Thank you for self-moderating. I will lock your old thread with a link to this one.

[Mike.4545]

I would say you should ignore the "mourning" and not tell her you think it's ok. That kind of sympathy/acceptance may lead to a relapse. Accept that this is part of the process, but it's her process, not yours. Don't offer to help with that; just keep doing what you do.

I think that's a good point undefeated...and I'll make sure to keep that in mind. As bad as it hurts to know she would have to mourn an end to a relationship with another man, I realize that's just how it is...and I agree that it's something she'd need to work through on her own if she's going to learn and grow from this whole experience.

I'm feeling pretty confident about the direction I'm looking to take this for myself. At this point, I just don't think I could maintain any respect or love for my wife if I don't draw a hard line with her and protect myself from any more of these betrayals.

Either she agree's no-contact with OM and full transparency,

Or

I'm completely dark and off the map of her life...doing my own thing.

=O)

[Mike.4545]

**A re-post from my last thread**

Recaps my situation and my plan moving forward:

Bomb (LYBNILWY)4/22/10
Affair discovered 5/3/10, began Jan/Feb 2010
Separated 5/22/10 - Present
Affair exposed 7/7/10

- At the time of our separation, my wife promised no-contact with OM.

- I found out a few weeks later that she was still contacting him.

- She again promised no-contact with OM.

- About a month later, I discovered that she had flown out to spend two weekends with him in the month of June.

- I exposed to her family and since then, they have laid the pressure on that her relationship with OM is not going to be accepted.

- Again she said no more contact with OM. They broke it off, he won't contact her, and she won't contact him.

- Three weeks ago, I found out that she had taken another trip and was spending the weekend with him. I busted her, and she admitted that she had resumed contact with him for around a month prior to this trip.

- I had a long conversation with her Monday when she got home from here "Love Trip" and said I was done with these games. I told her that she needed to recommit to our marriage or she could forget about talking to, or seeing me ever again. She said she needed time to think, that she didn't know what to do.

- She was a mess all that week. She talked to her folks, and they asked her if she could see a future with me as her husband. She said she didn't know. Throughout our entire situation the answer to that question was always a definitive "NO."...but whatever...I don't put much stock in it.

- In the two weeks since this, I've backed off any further relationship talk...and have not pressured her anymore for a decision. Also, I've only seen her once and talked to her maybe three times.

BUT NOW WHAT? I know that for my own well-being, I cannot continue on this path of being repeatedly lied to, betrayed, and cheated on.

My plan as of now is to write her a no-contact letter. It will state that if she won't commit to cease any and all contact with OM, and agree to full-transparency with ALL of her financial/communication accounts, then to please not contact me for any reason. This treatment is too painful, and cannot be tolerated anymore for my own well being...and that if she needs to relate any information to me, it can be done through a third party. I'm still debating whether or not I should ask for her to resume her sessions with our counselor as well.

I just cannot continue any type of relationship with her if she's going to keep seeing the OM...but I'm just not exactly sure how to proceed. Any more of these little discoveries of betrayal and I'm not going to have any feelings left to salvage.

[Mike.4545]

Sandi,

If you're out there, I would greatly appreciate your input on this. I think your input would be invaluable.

Thanks!

[StillLearning]

Sounds like you've hit the last-last resort technique. Just remember that you have to follow through and be prepared to end it if she doesn't agree. I am in a similar situation and it is killing me but I haven't given up hope and that's what I keep telling everybody who says it's over and I should move on.

[Mike.4545]

Okay,

So my wife is coming over tonight to talk. She's going to tell me she's done and will be pursuing the divorce. Doesn't matter how I know this...I just do.

Any advice on how I should engage in, and act during this??? What to say/do, and what not to say/do?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[MrBond]

"So my wife is coming over tonight to talk. She's going to tell me she's done and will be pursuing the divorce. Doesn't matter how I know this...I just do."

Yeah. Stop projecting this. I can smell your fear over the computer. Listen to what she has to say. Validate the points you need to and if she states that you two should divorce, just say that you understand that she feels that and your understanding is that things can work out. Just state things as business and let her do the talking. Take mental notes of what she says and journal them later.