What do you do when he wants to be your "friend" and chat all day via email like we use to do when our marriage was good and we dated? I am afraid if I dont answer his emails it will bring up memories of how bad the last three months were - we stopped talking during the day and shut down at night after the babies went to bed. We are talking more now then we ever had and I dont know how or what to do... this DB isnt easy.
My goal for today is only to talk about my Situation here on the board and not to any family or friends - its consuming my every thought again. My other goal for the day is to enjoy my babies today since I dont have to work
What does your DBcoach say about responding to his emails? I think your sitch is tricky. You want to be different than you were when the marriage was bad, but also detach. I think maybe a combination would be a good idea. Don't respond quickly, make it look like you are busy and not just waiting for him to email. And when you do email, bring up something fun about the kids that he is missing? I like your goal about not letting it consume you!
Last night went well because I actually got out of work. So I text him simply that I didn't need him to come. He then called immediately, asked to talk to DS, and then I came back on the line and quickly said ok, we gotta go in a very cheerful voice, and hung up. This is good for me. So my 3 days of no contact is officially starting today!!! Wish me luck! He also just got offered a new job and I know he will be asking my advice on whether or not to take it. Should I respond at all to that? Its hard because it does affect the kids, but yet I really for once just don't care what he does. For so many years I've been worrying about his career and life as well as my own and it feels good to not have to be a part of this decision.
Another question is xmas cards. What are you guys doing? Do I just put our last name on it, and not names? That's what I'm leaning towards. I also don't know about sending them to his family? That is kind of like doing something for him, except that I also want them to have a recent pic of the kids. I don't know!!!!
I sent Christmas cards that had a picture of just me and the kids, and it included only our first names. I did send some to H's family, and I included in each a thank-you letter for welcoming me into their family all these years. Did not send one to H or H's friends.
Hi, I am scheduling my next call with the coach for next week. My H asked me to lunch and to watch a bears game -- I am thinking of going not discussing anything and leave in a great mood. Then going one day on one day off or two days here and there with no communication I hope this isnt playing games but he has to miss me. I dont think he does now. I make everything to easy. Didnt meet my goals today I think I am starting off too big.
Congrats Andylee on last night! How did today go?
CajunRose I like your Christmas cards. I am thinking of pictures of the kids and our last name. I just dont know who I should send them to - I might not do any - who knows I am so conflicted
If Christmas cards are a tradition for you, then do it. Don't let your H ruin what makes the holiday special for you - you are in charge of what makes you happy. If sending cards makes you happy, do it anyway.
Good morning ladies, I think the Christmas cards idea will be cathartic for me...I've been upset with his family lately for not reaching out to me or even asking how I'm doing or if I need anything. I think taking a step back and being the bigger person by thanking them for letting me be a part of their family will be good.
Good luck with the football game this weekend! It seems like a really good sign to me that he is asking you to do things! Yesterday went ok, I didn't contact him so I'm proud of myself for that. But I just feel overwhelmingly disappointed that he doesn't try to contact me at all. I hate that. Why doesn't he miss me? Why doesnt he miss the kids? How can he not even wonder how they are doing? These are the things that go through my head repeatedly. I am curious if he will ask about Saturday, I had asked him to watch kids because I have to run into work but my new plan is to just take the kids with me so that I'm not so dependent on him. I had text him about it like 5 days ago and he never bothered to respond so he probably has plans with OW anyways. So my plan is to take the kids with me and then head into the city to see the lights and the tree and santa. I'm hoping we can just have a great time and forget all about him for a bit.
What have you done in the past? What about going to the store while he was there. That would be different then before. Let him come over and be in the best mood. Do not bring up anything about your situation. Let me know what happens! Best of luck. T
Lots has happened since I last posted! I think what you suggested about not contacting him is helping a lot! I actually ended up telling him I didn't need him on Saturday, since I already had plans with the kids to go into the city. He text me that night and asked how it went and I said we had a great time. I didn't contact him all day Sunday, and he ended up replying to an email I had written to him a week ago. My email had said how I just wanted to tell him all of the things I was greatful he had done for me in our relationship....helping me when I had a mini mental health crisis, helping me through 10 yrs college, and supporting our family financially.
So he writes back how its tearing him up not being with the kids and not seeing them and stuff. I'm not going to get my hopes up at all because it never once mentioned missing me, but still I think its a positive sign.
