Not posting much, just trying to keep my head above water. D3 is sick still. Took her to the doc yesterday, but only because she has been miserable for so long. Just allergies and a plain ol' cold. Got her some new cough meds at least so maybe the poor girl can sleep. Even on the meds last night she was coughing, but she slept through it at least.
Lots of conflicted feelings right now. Guess that is normal. Getting a taste of what's to come with H & helping out with D. Last minute cancelations, less availability, even her goodnight calls are unreliable right now.
He is trying, but I no longer assume he will want or even be able to help in the future. I also expect him to file right after Christmas and before the restaurant opens. Our 11 year anniversay is comming up too though. Not sure if he will 'delay' for that too. Who knows, I may still be waiting for papers next Christmas.
Overall, am holding it together well. Enjoying the holiday with my girl and trimming my last minute list down to only the essentials. Rice crispie fudge bars are on the essentials list though.
Just taking a baby step forward today. I made my relationship status on FB private.
Didn't want to change it because I am still married, but thought it was too pushy in the event H does ever check my page. Don't know if he looks on there anymore. It also keeps from notifying the whole world if and when I do change my status.
I don't talk about our R on FB and no longer worry if H or OW see my page. It has become about me & my D3 keeping up with family & friends now. Not too hard to see that H isn't in the picture anymore, so maybe that means I am accepting my path for now.
Had packages to pick up at the post office, took D to see her friend at the park before he left town for the holiday, negotiated dinner into D's tummy, had to return library books, then put D down for bed.
Still have cat boxes to change, gifts to wrap, and to get D's teacher gifts ready for Thursday. Her teachers are at the top of my Christmas list this year, BTW.
Life is busy, but it is keeping me from tumbling into depression right now. Need to get back on track. H coming for Christmas is scaring me right now. Afraid I bit off more than I can chew.
Don't know. Need to find ways to depend on H less and work on going darker. Very confused right now.
Hang in there. Just a few more days, and then we can look forward to the long, dreary, dark days of Winter. But No holidays. LOL
I'm kind of looking forward to our Christmas Dinner. Just me and the girls. It's probably all I could handle right now anyway. No word from H now for 4 weeks. It is much easier this way.
Looking forward to those long winter days post-holiday. Should have even less contact with H. Even if those divorce papers do come right after Christmas, it is only the begining of a very long process. I won't drag my feet, but I will make sure D3 and I are protected.
Crossed off all non-essentials from my to-do list. Don't want to spoil my holiday with trying to do too much. Just want to enjoy my time with D3 and relax.
Still struggling with how I will handle H on Christmas Day. I'm not good with boundaries and have so many conflicting feelings right now. I want to find a ballance between paving the way and protecting myself. Want to detach with love, but still struggling with actually doing that.
Its a bit random, but something has been bugging me for a while now. Just wanted to write it down.
On Saturday, when I went to get D from H & see H's new restaurant I twice commented on how nice the place looked and how I was proud of how well he was doing with the place, trying to validate a bit. In the past H has responded very well to this sort of comment, so it really surprised me that he said nothing. He even seemed to withdraw a bit, so I pulled back and switched to talking about D's schedule.
I had posted before that I had some concerns about his sitch at the restaurant not going well. Could have been plain 'ol guilt, but could also indicate things are not going well for him at the job he sees as his last oportunity to be a 'success.'
I guess time will tell on that one. For now I will take comments about the restaurant off my list of 'safe' topics.
Except for when you MUST see your h, try to think of him as being in Australia and unreachable. Just not an issue for now. No more mind reading. Your life has enough good stuff AND enough to prepare for that you don't need to spend an extra ounce on him. If the restaurant is no longer a safe topic, good grief. But NOT Your problem right? All you have to care about is you and D and making sure you are protected. Good points!
Have a peaceful holiday and have some JOY too.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
