A month after I found the emails between my wife and OM, my wife sat me down and told me: "A woman is like a bar of soap; the harder you squeeze, the faster she slips through your fingers."
That's some tough love, for sure, but we all know it's true. I see her comment as a blessing though; it brought me to this wonderful place, where I have found outstanding support and guidance through the shared experiences of all of you here. What has surprised me the most, however, is how similar our events unfold and the predictable patterns that follow. I know that I still have a lot to learn, but I've already "Maned Up" and started implementing the DB strategy to my relationship (with noticeable results).
Within days of finding this site, I knew she had to leave the house. Nothing good was coming from her sneaking around, lying about where she was going, who she was with and so on.... One night I calmly asked her if she had considered leaving me? She had, of course, and then I asked where she would go? She considered her options and suggested a small apartment across town that we own, but haven't rented. It's a dump, but I offered to help her paint it and move her stuff. She was gone.
To satisfy my curiosity, I drove by her apartment several times the following weekend (2:00 a.m. 4:00 a.m. 6:00 a.m.), but she didn't come home. I knew at that point that the EA had become a PA. She doesn't know I checked and I haven't done it since. I haven't said anything to her about it, at all. In fact, since she's moved out, we haven't discussed anything uncomfortable. All interaction has been initiated by her and I should get an Oscar for my performance as a happy stable man. Truth be known, I'm a complete wreck.
I keep locking my keys in the car (sometimes while it's still running). My wife has a spare key, but I dare not call her for help for fear of being exposed for the pathetic loser she already knows I am. On average, I lose an hour and a cote-hanger every time it happens. My life sucks, but she will never know it.
It has been a month since she moved out. She keeps finding reasons to come around and she calls me several times a day, for no particular reason. We have simple conversations, nothing heavy, like you would treat a first date: no pressure, well timed compliments, you know the drill. Now for the bad news.
Our marriage counselor thinks we are codependent and suggested that we limit our contact. She might be right. I don't know, but I'm going to have a hard time DBing without contact. Has anybody had any experience with this sort of thing?
Our marriage counselor thinks we are codependent and suggested that we limit our contact. She might be right. I don't know, but I'm going to have a hard time DBing without contact. Has anybody had any experience with this sort of thing?
Your MC has given you excellent advice. Why are you dependent on her? What can you do to change this behavior?
It is now time to look in the mirror and become responsible for those things that you can change. Cut out your portion of the contact. Learn detachment.
Your wife is telling you what you must do. Stop squeezing the bar of soap!
It has been a month since she moved out. She keeps finding reasons to come around and she calls me several times a day, for no particular reason. We have simple conversations, nothing heavy, like you would treat a first date: no pressure, well timed compliments, you know the drill. Now for the bad news.
Sinclair
You do realise you have played things fantastically. she is coming to you because she is wondering what you are doing?
Now is the time for you to GAL. Join a meetup.com group, get out 3 or 4 times a week. (i'm assuming you have no kids). Ignore her calls , let them go to voicemail, call back several hours or a a day later if at all.
When she calls round tell her you are on your way out (it doesn't matter where).Don't start dating but go out in mixed groups and mingle with members of the opposite sex. Be polite to her but upbeat and always on the way somewhere. Once the reality of OM sinks in she may well want you back.
Do not fall for the first attempt there are many others on here more experienced than me who can tell you how to handle that.
Welcome to divorcebusting.com! I assume you are here because you want to save your marriage.
Your pattern with your wife gets in the way of growing your love for each other. Rob is right to the extent that when you are over-pursuing you need to back off. Cadet is right to the extent that you have to change your own behavior to affect your wife's behavior.
You need a different counselor if you want to save your marriage.
If all you've got is no contact, you don't have a marriage.
Start doing something different. Build the friendship part of your marriage. This is not the time to go out with other folks and invoke jealousy, the pushmepullyou thing. Strengthen the warmth and care between you. Do it slowly, calmly.
Your MC has given you excellent advice. Why are you dependent on her? What can you do to change this behavior?
Thank you for your thoughtful response Cadet. I will try to provide more insight.
In some respects, my Sit is unique: My wife and and I are living in Panama. She is completely fluent in Spanish and I am not. My communication skills in Spanish are fairly basic and this often causes misunderstandings with people. Many of our mutual friends don't speak any English at all, which prevents me from sharing in the depths of conversation.
I rely too much on my wife to help me translate. In many cases, the language barrier has caused us to reverse our traditional roles: In business, for instance, I have always held the more assertive role, while she prefers to be passive. Left to her own, she would avoid confrontation at all cost. Unfortunately, there are time when confrontation is unavoidable and necessary. In many instances, I have had to push her into an assertive role to protect our interests. It makes her uncomfortable and she resents me for it, but I don't feel like I have many options.
At the time of the bomb, she said that she was done helping me; she wanted no part in our business. I have since hired a bilingual assistant, which has helped some, but things are far from perfect.
Spanish language classes are offered at several of the Universities, but the next trimester doesn't start until after the new year. Language hasn't come easy to me and I'm afraid it will take years of study. If this is necessary for me to turn things around, I fear that it will take too long.
For the same reasons, detachment will be more difficult. I will need to find English speaking support groups in a Spanish speaking country. No doubt, it can be done, but I will have fewer options.
Perhaps my best option would be to move back to the States. She might follow me once she understands her loss. I just don't know--it's a gamble.
You do realise you have played things fantastically.
I couldn't have done it without the help from people on this site. Thank you for your support, Rob1971, it means a lot to me.
I tried "going dark" before I had read DR. She called every ten minutes for hours and eventually drove over to my house to find me outside landscaping the front yard. She was very angry with me for not answering the phone.
Having read DR, I now understand "going dark" is a last resort. I feel that my use of this technique was inappropriate for my Sit and regret having done it.
The book said to quit doing the things that don't work, so I stopped "going dark" and things have improved. Am I missing something?
You need a different counselor if you want to save your marriage.
If all you've got is no contact, you don't have a marriage.
I trust your insight, dbmod. In fact, I had come to the same conclusion.
It has taken a little while for me to realize that my wife and I need to rebuild our friendship. She has been many things to me and our friendship has suffered as a result.
At the moment, we are both showing the classic signs of depression. Our sleeping patterns have been disrupted and we consistently wake at 3:00 a.m. and can't get back to sleep. On one such occasion (not having much ells to do at that hour) I drove down to the beach for a walk. My wife drove by the house that morning and assumed that I had spent the night out. At which point, I told her the following (in no uncertain terms):
"I am a married man. I am, at all times, conducting my life in a manner that is consistent with staying a married man."
For twenty years I've never given her any reason to doubt my sincerity in this regard and I believe she understands.
My biggest breakthrough was the morning I accepted my part in our crises and I told her that I was sorry.
I'm taking it one step at a time. "Poco a poco" as they are so fond of saying around here.
Honestly, the title you chose alone hints at the "codependency" aspect you mentioned.
She doesn't hold your heart. You hold your heart. It's in your hands. You may want to share it, you may want to reach out, but don't compromise that position.
Accept that you do not control what she does. And what she is doing may be hurtful. You can and should love her still despite that, but it doesn't change the intrinsic wrongness of her choices nor should you sugarcoat that.
I know it's hard. Don't read too much into her attempts to contact you, and stop driving yourself crazy trying to figure out what she's doing, with OM or otherwise.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
