Hi Crisch! You seem to be very clear on the type of wedding you would like to have and I am sure you will have just that very one! IMHO..Keeping stress,financial and otherwise,to a minimum is an important aspect in starting off on the right foot. In terms of life stresses(changes), both good and bad, according to the Holmes Rahe Inventory....you are off the chart! You need to take very good care of yourself as you are at greater risk for stress related illnesses and conditions. I realize you don't want any advice etc,and that has been evident to me,since I first starting posting to you,in '99. However,I invite you to be open minded and less defensive about the thoughts/concerns your friends, on this board, express. To think that someone actually cares enough to take the time to share their feelings is awesome and is a true gift. These ideas are based on what you have so generously shared about yourself and your situ, over the past few years. Take it for whatever it is worth and be gracious. I am happy you feel loved and are starting a new chapter in your life. Enjoy the romance and by all means,take your time and please take this in the spirit that it was intended. Jenny BTW...My very own parents married one week, after meeting one another on a train, and are currently celebrating 58 yrs together. In my case, I married, a man, 10 months after we met. It was my first marriage and his third....definitely, a rebound for him. As you know, our relationship suffered for quite a few years and his MLC just about ruined it. DBing worked extremely well in reuniting us and we are fortunate in that we fell in love again.(Maybe for him,it was really the first time)
Jenny, Great to hear from you! Would you email me? I've been thinking about you and wondering how you've been. I lost your address on my old computer, and would like to contact you. windsurfer919@hotmail.com
Good to see you're still lurking now and then. Keep in touch. GG
Hi GG!
It's wonderful to hear from you and I will email you. I do keep up with this message board.... for many reasons. However, I really don't have time to post much and as there so many others willing to jump in and lend a helping hand, I tend to be an "observer". I do admit to having a soft spot for the "old timers" and have a hard time refraining from putting in my "two cents worth"
I was stunned at how quickly your D occurred,but not at all surprised that your ExH continued to act out in such devastating ways. I know in your heart,you weren't either.
I've had one crisis after another with my oldest son and that in itself has tested my marriage over and over again in the past couple of years. As a result I find myself reverting back to negative behaviors now and then and I can see how easy it would be to spiral downward. Life is a challenge, isn't it GG and it doesn't get any easier. However,I think that facing that certainty, in itself, is the first step in adapting to to the changes that life may thrust upon us. Take care my old buddy..I will write soon!
Jenny! I came hunting for Crisch, and look what I found How nice to hear from you again. As you know, you responded to me many times, mostly with sympathetic words, but sometimes with much-needed comments that hit ME a bit deeper. It was always appreciated.
Happily my h and I are doing very well these days, although as you point out, backsliding is inevitable, and I find myself regretting an impatient tongue, or former reactive behaviours. For the most part, tho, the DB behaviour (especially doing something different) has made a lasting impression on me.
That being said, sometimes no matter what you do, the M goes into downhill decline, never to be retrieved. Bravo for GG for recognizing quickly this time that having being down there once before, she will not sacrifice her sanity a second time for a serial offender.
I'm sorry to hear that your son has been a source of heartache, but thankfully you are approaching it all from a position of strength and grace.
Greetings Alex!
Thankyou so much for dropping in to say hello. I love hearing from you and GG. You are a DBing pro,yourself, with a lot of wisdom to share.You are caring and generous in spirit! It's wonderful that your marriage is strong and your family intact. Your little one must be growing up fast and I know you are enjoying your time with her.
Alex,as you and I know, life has it's ups and downs and all marriages go through various stages as we continue to grow and develop into grownups, (Does that ever really happen?)
I am convinced that Michele's new book has touched the core issue in many of the troubled relationships we see on the board. It is an eye opener! Although, I was well aware of the importance of this aspect in a relationship right from the get go. But knowing about the pitfalls doesn't necessarily keep you out of them, does it.
Jenny
I laugheds when I read your post, Jenny. When my h dropped the Big Bomb, a few months after the little Bomb, I said this is all about sex isn't it? He was incensed that I would think his motivation was so "petty" but as time wore on, that was a major part, although I had put it much too baldly. The sex-admiration-and-affirmation are so important for men, I discovered, and inextricably bound as well. I haven't read Michele's latest book, though.
I agree, Paul. These are basic needs for both sexes. Perhaps,some men may act out more as a result of unmet needs affairs, etc. But, as we can see on this BB, some women are just as likey to react in an overtly negative fashion. It's all too easy to let our needs in this area slide as more pressing concerns consume our time/energy ie. children,work etc. It truly is the "glue" in relationships and can help to carry folks through rough times. However,there are most definitely exceptions to every rule.
Alex, I have not read the book in it's entirety, but, I have read excerpts on this site. I think I will order it, as it may be enlightening. Frankly, this is an area I must "work on" to keep up (no pun intended)to speed.
Quoting 17baker445: I realize you don't want any advice etc,and that has been evident to me,since I first starting posting to you,in '99.
I'm a little puzzled by this statement. I remember trying everything and anything that was suggested to me. In fact, I remember reading David's thread about being a friend and trying like crazy to be that for the Shadow by unconditionally listening. I remember suggestions of detatching, and for 2 full months, I did not go into any room that the Shadow was in. I remember suggestions to go out and do my own thing, which I did. I remember suggestions to ask him to be a part of S and my activities, which I did. If anyone would have said to me, "stand on you head for 5 minutes while facing North", I would have. So I wonder what example you have of my not taking your advice.
I will honestly admit that I am a person who operates best when given concrete examples and suggestions. Saying, "You need to work on yourself" means very little to me but saying "you need to take this and this class to further your career prospects" or "you need to exercise 3 times a week to improve your health" are things that I can understand.
I'm sorry to hear that your S is having problems. I hope that he will be able to turn things around. My heart goes out to him and all the children stuck in these messes.
Paul, I was refering to my sitch, and didn't include the other side of the gender equation. It wasn't intentional. Of course, there are women who are frustrated for those reasons!
