Starting on a different path

[Mystik]

Abs ~ I know that I have a long way to go yet, not disputing that one bit. Just still hoping that when the time is right it happens, you know. But I never said I would be patient while waiting for that time.

Piano ~ It's amazing how much our physical health impacts our emotional health and vice versa.

[Mystik]

Ended up interacting with H this morning. He was talking to me through DS's open car door.

He said to me, "So that wasn't too bad driving out there the other night." And I said "Yeah, except for the panic attack" in a somewhat sarcastic tone. So he replied, "What's there to panic about?" I didn't answer him. He then asked, "Do you still think we're going to work things out or have you accepted that we aren't?" I told him that my thoughts are my own and he responded that was true, but they do impact other people, I didn't respond. He then asked if I had changed my mind "on the D" and I told him no, so he replied "That answers that question" and walked away. What confused me was he said "the D" and usually will say the full word divorce.

[Truegritter]

"Do you still think we're going to work things out or have you accepted that we aren't?"

What would happen if you just agree with him?

I know it is not what you want.

But

You are fighting him and he expects you to push your own agenda.

I am not saying divorce him I am saying just drop the rope.

it will be something different than he expects.

Yes?

I haven't read your whole thread mystik but just this little peice is telling me he will defy you becuase you are not listening to him.

You are saying to him "this is what I want! I don't care what you want!"

I will give you this that I have posted before and I don't know who wrote it but there is wisdom in it:

Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.

We get the two confused.

We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.

The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.

Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.

But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.

When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.

When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.

When you argue, you're working at improving them.

When you try to reason with them.

When you tell them how much you love them.

Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.

Proof? You want proof?

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You've thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

Just something that helped me see things a little differently.

I hope it may help you.

[Mystik]

Truegritter, that is so true. I am thinking that if I can stop the divorce then it will all be fine. But it's true, the legal side is completely separate from the emotional side. I need to work on separating the two.

[still-hopeful]

Trugritter- thank you for posting that. I've felt a little lost the past few days and I needed to read that...

[Abbey]

Ended up interacting with H this morning. He was talking to me through DS's open car door.

He said to me, "So that wasn't too bad driving out there the other night." And I said "Yeah, except for the panic attack" in a somewhat sarcastic tone. So he replied, "What's there to panic about?" I didn't answer him. He then asked, "Do you still think we're going to work things out or have you accepted that we aren't?" I told him that my thoughts are my own and he responded that was true, but they do impact other people, I didn't respond. He then asked if I had changed my mind "on the D" and I told him no, so he replied "That answers that question" and walked away. What confused me was he said "the D" and usually will say the full word divorce.

Hmm... he's still looking for absolution. Don't give it to him. I wouldn't have said about the panic attack... keep that to yourself in the future, ... it was predictable that he'd use it against you and say something negative.

I like the drop the rope idea. Should twist him up... he needs a good dose of that.

And yep, I know Mystik, one day at a time, doesn't mean I ain't gonna poke you with a stick every once in a while *hug*

Abs

[Vulcanized]

Just checking in on you, M.

I'm w/Abbey on this one. Don't even give him a centimeter to work with. Shut him down as much as possible, every time. It will help you regain a modicum of power and it will prevent H from using anything against you.

[Mystik]

Abs ~ He already knew about the panic attack, he heard me on the phone that night with my teeth chattering. And I sure as heck am doing my best to not let him off the hook for what he's done, what he's doing. I know I need to drop the rope, working on how to do that without giving up all hope. It's like in my head dropping the rope means giving up all hope, the two are intertwined.

V ~ I am trying to shut him down as much as possible. I try to interact with him as little as I can with a shared child. And I keep a business-like tone in our interactions.

[Abbey]

Ok... dropping the rope. Your sitch right now... he's still mad at hell at you for not giving him what he wants. Now... I get why you don't want to budge... BUT... somewhere in that teeter-totter is a place you have to get to where you are no longer the bad guy in his eyes. (hey... reality has nothing to do with this. It's just his screwed in the head mentality.)

SHE right now looks like the good guy. Right now, you've got them pitted against you. Once you manage to remove that from the equation, you're no longer prolonging their inevitable break down. THAT will happen, it's a given.

You have to give up on "now"... that's where I personally see you stuck, you're *afraid* to let go. Actually the best thing you could do for yourself and the hope to get this thing fixed down the road is to not only let go... but actively PUSH him away. Hardest thing I ever did. Worked though.

I see that as your best chance to turn this thing on it's ear. It's not going to happen next week, or next month. You're going to have to get used to that fact. This is going to take some mega time to get turned around. You're still trying to steer this thing ... and I dunno... how's it been working for ya so far?

Drop the rope, ... stand in the mirror and repeat "What-ever!" as many times as it takes to make it an auto-response to his stupidity. You need to reject HIM to get this back on an even playing field.

Just my opinion
Hugs
Abs

[Abbey]

Hey... just thought of something for you. You're both tugging on the rope... You holding on to that rope... keeps him standing... you let go, he falls on his @$$. Once the boy falls, ... you no longer are the reason he's got to keep tugging. Let him go find someone ELSE to fight with. Say... like the whore. *smile*

Abs