i walk in the house and he is on the MAC again. i turned the computer off so we could talk for a minute without him looking at that smut and he pushed me out of the room, locked the door, and so then he's watching that disgusting stuff in our home and laughing at me! so he's all defiant now.
First of all, (((hugs))). We have all been through some kind of shock or bomb that puts that horrible feeling in your stomach and doesn't allow you to get any sleep...
You have several people trying to help you, but it must be confusing to be getting such different advice.
I quoted the portion at the top because the details of this can make a huge difference.
You said: You walked in and he was on the computer again. You didn't say: Was he looking at porn, or was he simply on the computer?
You said you turned the computer off. You didn't say if you walked over and did this with no warning (like his mother), or asked if you could turn it off so you could talk.
(I am guessing it was the latter, since you were then ushered from the room)
You said that he pushed you out of the room. You didn't say if he physically pushed you, or if he demanded you leave.
You say he locked the door, You didn't say if he said anything at all while doing this. Or what you were saying while this was happening.
You say that he is watching "that disgusting stuff" at your home and laughing at you. Is that perception, or is he actually laughing at you and telling you he can do what he wants?
This may seem nit-picky, but it really does make a difference. The word "addict" is being thrown around, and it is a strong word. If you believe this is the case, what evidence do you have that he is addicted?
It is just curious to me that this is relatively new, you have caught him once (maybe twice...not sure because I can't tell if you have now decided that each time he is on the computer that is what he is doing), and suddenly the "addict" label is being put here.
I know this is an emotional time for you, but the less emotion and more fact that you can put into your posts will help people to help you.
got home before h to get a few more things and went back to the hotel. i'm staying there for another couple days to regroup till the managment kicks me out before the holiday rush. don't know what to do about thanksgiving though not much in my m to be thankful for right now. im going in for a blood draw tomorrow for std. also to make an apointment with priest just for myself. i refuse to coddle because i feel my self getting angry now but don't want to show this to h, so thats why i'm staying away for a while.
What will change? Do you think you will be able to understand what has happened in your marriage by running away from it?
She's not "running away", she's protecting herself from abuse... Why must everyone on this forum characterize self defence and protection as if its some sort of act of aggression?
If someone takes a swing at me in a bar are you gonna tell me to just stand there and keep letting him hit me?
This is your idea of healthy advice?
Keep letting people hurt you until you are halfway crazy until you take a bottle of pills or end up in the hospital?
And if someone does want to protect themselves you accuse them of "running away?"
Wow
Going to a hotel is a healthy choice for you marmie... Until this man is able to respect you like an adult you keep away.
Commitment doesn't mean subject yourself to abuse.
In sickness and in health doesn't mean you take every bullet in his arsenal.
Get out of the line of fire until he calms down and engages you with civility and respect.
She's not "running away", she's protecting herself from abuse... Why must everyone on this forum characterize self defence and protection as if its some sort of act of aggression?
If someone takes a swing at me in a bar are you gonna tell me to just stand there and keep letting him hit me?
This is your idea of healthy advice?
Well, from where I sit, it is more like this: (using your bar analogy)
If a highly emotional friend came to me in a bar with a story about someone else, I am not going after that person until I get some real facts. After she calms down. I am not going to defend someone if I am not completely sure they need to be defended.
The questions I asked in a previous post were valid. I don't know how asking a poster to clarify is coddling, btw.
Marmie, good luck to you. I hope you will continue to fill in the blanks so that you can get the guidance you need.
If a highly emotional friend came to me in a bar with a story about someone else, I am not going after that person until I get some real facts. After she calms down. I am not going to defend someone if I am not completely sure they need to be defended.
Did you not see this two pages ago? Steve summarized it quite nicely for you but I guess this wasn't factual enough for you?
Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
THE FACT REMAINS! and I will highlights Clark's text as it is direct to the point and correct
His behavior so far is listed by marmie as the following :
a. He has done this in secret, effectively lying by ommision b. He refused to stop c. He knows he's hurting you d. He's laughing at you
LYING, SNEAKING, HURTFUL BEHAVIOR
That is unacceptable and inappropriate marital behavior. PERIOD.
It is important here it is important in 100 other threads on this board right now. We all know where this leads.
My guess is you need to see a knife in someone before you decide that someone needs protecting...
Um, STEVE summarized YOUR summary of someone else's situation.
~Nope, I didn't miss anything.
Again, my questions are fair.
Maybe she will answer them and you can be right.
Allen, I don't want to get in a pi$$ing match with you. You have a tendency to fight with other posters and lose sight of why you are here. Please stop directing posts to other people and stick to the thread owner. You are doing a great diservice to scared and confused people by constantly muddying the waters in your quest to be the only one who can give advice. This is the last thing I will address to you. So please, just let it go and help Marmie. That is why we came here in the first place.
This is the last thing I will address to you. So please, just let it go and help Marmie. That is why we came here in the first place.
Then stop gaslighting and do it...
You are doing a great diservice to scared and confused people by constantly muddying the waters in your quest to promote coddling of abuse instead of encouraging people to protect themselves.
If you are here to help marmie then where were you nine pages ago?
last time I checked everything on this open forum is advice. Openly expressed and freely given. You seemed to be the only one saying she has to do things your way. Even the part about the "laughing in her face" part. She clarified that at that time he laughed at her suggestion of seeing the priest which is different from laughing at the abuse.
You may not like the advice or suggestions other people give, but they have a right to give it same as you. It's up to marmie to decide what action she wants to take.
And IMO, I think she does need to see a professional to figure out how to deal with an issue like this. She can't force him to see someone but she can see someone for her own well-being and health. Friends are great, but this seems to be a little more than just "oh he's looking at porn" kind of issue.
Marmie, I know it's unfair to you, but you have to be the one to decide if you want to stay married because of this. If you do, how far you take it is up to you. My prayers do go out to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Bond... I have never told anyone to refrain from posting. Everyone is giving marmie advice. Yes, I am questioning the advice being given... in shock over some of it at this point.
You asserting everyone has a right to give advice is a bit irrelevant since no one suggested otherwise.
Do you have a right to give advice? Of course you do. Even bad advice. And I have a right to advise on your advice. Advice weighs on advice weighs on advice... This is how thought is refined amongst intelligent people.
Just as everyone is free to offer advice, Bond, people are also free to question that advice. That's how the marketplace of ideas works. One person expresses a thought, the others assess its value in the aim of refinement.
(and no, simply posting a comment "This advice is wrong" isnt' an assessment, its rude, and that's all it is)
You and others sometimes get your feathers all ruffled when anyone challenges your advice or anyone else's. To your mind this is somehow "bad" and needs to stop.
You guys all want everyone streaming advice down the tunnel with no one weighing in on any of it...
This is not how the marketplace of ideas functions I'm afraid. Everyone talking and no one actually taking the time to asses what anyone else is saying means no one is listening.
The fact that I do challenge it just means I am listening and I care.
To my mind its the ones that don't comment you should be worrying about.
That and people who are using an endless stream of fallacies and smokescreens to confuse people... I've seen that on here more times than I've seen a good argument.
Well, I will challenge an idea now and then if I have a mind to. I am not violating policies by challenging the logic behind someone's advice.
I and others on this forum have and do challenge advice from time to time. It's called refining thought.
I apologize in advance if that gets your feathers in a knot.
