Good day today. H came over to pack his stuff, and I put on a great attitude and helped (that is a 180 from right after he moved). We had some good conversations about current events, the kids, and even what to expect next in the divorce process (I should get the papers sometime this week, then we have 60 days until it's final). H left to drop off a load of things and said he'd be back later that evening - I invited him to have dinner with me and the kids and he agreed! It's the first time in 5 months that we had dinner as a family and actually talked and laughed - no newspaper or TV to hide behind (I hid them). I suggested that we have regular family dinners, perhaps on his weekends when the kids transition from his house to mine, and he agreed provided "it's only about the kdis and only as long as it's good for the kids." That is at least something.
H seemed surprised when I told him I was going to change my name - he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before responding to the question I'd wrapped that little tidbit in.
H is very angry still about my call/email to potential OW, and very angry that I'm not sorry I did it. He has a vast conspiracy theory of how I'm trying to isolate him from everyone so he has to come back to me - I told him I don't want him on those terms; I want a man who wants me, and right now H doesn't want me (he agreed out loud, drat him).
I gave H my list of behaviors I would need from him. He took the list, but told me that "if I had feelings for you last week, your actions killed them. Now I'm only neutral." Of course, last week he said he was neutral too. This is the closest I've gotten to an admission from him that part of him still loves me since the week after he left. H is not willing at the moment to give me his list of what he would need from me. He did listen while I tried to explain why it was so important to me to have HIS children, and why his initial refusal to have them with me made me feel like I wasn't important to him. I also explained (again) that he has always been the most important thing to me, but that I didn't know how to show him that. He glared the whole time I talked and he didn't say anything at all, but he didn't interrupt, and he didn't just leave (which would have been easy to do - he was leaning against the door and we were done with everything else we needed to talk about or do).
I'll see him tomorrow for a kid handoff. I plan to act AS IF and try to draw him out with conversation, as, again, that seems to be working better than being aloof and not talking to him.
The kid handoff was civil on Monday - H came in but left quickly. For the rest of the week H has been very withdrawn - for the first part of the week he didn't even respond to emails about the kids with a "thanks", like he normally would.
I made a mistake Monday evening and sent him an email explaining again why I didn't think any comments I made had a chance of breaking up his "friend" at work and her fiance. He had also accused me of isolating him from another friend, so I sent her an email apology in case I said something that made her uncomfortable; I forwarded her response to him Tuesday. She said I had been very respectful and that she considered their friendship to be the same as it had been.
H complained again Sunday that I never appreciated him, so I've been sending him one thank-you email a day for something he did or said in our relationship that I might never have properly appreciated at the time. In the first one I told him to let me know if this made him uncomfortable and I would stop. He didn't say anything about it Mon night and hasn't mentioned them since.
Had to call H last night to tell him D4 needs counseling. He sounded very sick/tired/depressed/something and then was really quiet after I told him about the conversation I had with her. Once again, there were pauses, and I was the first to hang up the phone. Had to email him a few times today to coordinate appointments for the kids, and he was terse sometimes and gave extra information sometimes.
H is really insecure, and I make a very convenient scapegoat for all things that are wrong in his life. I'm realllly tired of that, and I'm getting more and more fed up with the way he treats me/has treated me for the last year.
I cancelled the MC appointment for next week; before I could tell him he emailed me to say he wasn't going anyway.
Reality should be sinking in for him soon, if it hasn't already. D4 is upset enough to need therapy, and H should have the initial divorce papers in hand very soon, if he doesn't already (he hasn't brought my copy to me yet).
My plan? Continue working to change my own behaviors (the 180s) for me and the kids. Continue to GAL. Continue sending him one appreciation a day by email, without ever bringing it up in conversation - it is a (long overdue) gift to him, with no expectation of reward. Be civil, don't try to draw him out, but respond if he initiates conversation. Repeat "I am getting divorced" in the mirror 10 times a day until I can say it without tearing up. That will help me speak to him calmly about it without clinging (I hope).
Repeat "I am getting divorced" in the mirror 10 times a day until I can say it without tearing up. That will help me speak to him calmly about it without clinging (I hope).
I so need to do this too! I hate when I cry in front of my H, because he shows no emotion. Though he hasn't dropped the D bomb yet, I feel having some kind of mantra like this will help me become more emotionally detached. Thanks!
Lorie
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Lorie, I have a whole PAGE of mantras, that include both icky things ("H is not coming home") and nice things ("my mother loves me. I'm an intelligent woman.") Don't forget the nice things.
Have seen H 5 days in a row now, all for kid-related things. He actually let me in his apartment for the first time when I picked up S on Saturday, usually he either drops off the kids or he meets me at the door. He fell back into some of our old patterns on Sun and got mad at me twice b/c he misunderstood what I was saying or b/c I misunderstood him. I did not fall into my usual pattern of arguing that there was no way of misunderstanding, I just said "I'm sorry you were confused" and explained what I thought had been discussed. His anger seemed to diffuse a little more easily. I also told him he was no longer allowed to raise his voice to me in my home - he made an excuse to go outside, calmed down and came back in (another new development). When he returned, he invited me to spend Christmas morning with him and the kids so that I can watch them get Santa presents (per the standard custody schedule, he gets them for Christmas this year; we had already agreed that I would have time with them on my own on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, so this is an addition). He didn't even use the kids as an excuse - this was a gift to me. I cried and whispered "thank you".
He is waiting for me to decide how I want to proceed with the D, but he hasn't brought it up to me - although it's been 2 weeks since he filed, I was the one who asked what was happening next (stupid move!). I'm supposed to go to my lawyer and make arrangements to meet with his lawyer to receive a copy of the petition and work on the temporary order. S has a nasty cold and requires me to stay home with him, so there is no way I can go this week I will wait to see if H brings the delay up or if he gets annoyed and has me served.
H's birthday is this week. I bought small presents for him from the kids and baked a mini birthday cake for them to bring him; he turned down an offer to have a birthday dinner at my house (he is on nights again, which means he doesn't wake up early, and, well, he's GRUMPY). This weekend we're jointly hosting a birthday party for Dalmost5, so I should see plenty of him in a happy environment.
Neither of us has mentioned the daily emails I'm sending. Overall, he's treating me just a little more friendly than is required for co-parenting, but not much more. I really don't see a path for reconciliation unless he has a huge about-face and is willing to try to forgive hurts of the past. I honestly don't know if he would be capable of doing that without some help, and he's not willing to go to IC or MC. So I keep praying to be shown the path I'm supposed to take, and I keep doing the things I laid out. My goal is to not regret any action I take, regardless of whether H or I end up back together.
H returned one of the presents unopened, mixed in with a bag of the kids' clothes, so I didn't see it right away. I had to call him about the kids tonight, and mentioned that I had found the present, that it was also from the kids, that I thought it petty that he could not accept a gift given with no strings, and that I thought that, as grownups, we need to actually tell each other when there is a problem rather than be so sneaky. I told him it was not a ploy to get him back, as he did not treat me well before he left and has continued the same bad behaviors since we've been separated.
He told me that the present was inappropriate, and that I needed to let go. He hemmed and hawed and finally brought up the emails and said that I was obviously spending too much time thinking about him(?!?) and that I was "dragging us back when we need to move forward". I asked him to stop trying to read my mind and discern my motives/feelings (this is getting to be a familiar refrain).
There were a lot of silences on the phone - I was trying to figure out what to say in a few instances, and I don't know if he was just waiting me out or if he had something to say too. I am always the one to hang up.
I sent the whole appreciation list to him in one big email after the phone call. I found it interesting that he said "dragging US back"; I guess they were getting to him a little. That was pretty much the last of my "plan".
Saw H for a few minutes Thur to exchange kids and did not talk to him at all on Fri or Sat (he didn't even call to see if kids were feeling better). Sun he showed up an hour early for D's birthday party with a ton of balloons - going overboard a bit? I mostly ignored him at the party; he acted in many ways like he had never left, making himself comfortable, being generally irritable.
I've got the kids' cold now, too, and it's left me without much energy to focus on him, which is good. I'm just tired of all the nonsense. My mother had to come from 3 hours away to help me with the kids because H isn't willing to make life a little harder for himself to take care of them when I am sick. I'm tired of the drama, I'm tired of H. I'm ready to really implement the LRT and stop talking to him about anything except what I absolutely have to.
I will wait to see if H brings the delay up or if he gets annoyed and has me served.