I don't really have a clue what I want that's achievable. I want my family back. I want my husband to be the man I know he can be. I want him to miss me and our life together. I want to be in a loving, healthy relationship with my husband, but I just don't think that's possible right now where he's at in his life. He is absolutely not the man I want to be around, or have my children be around right now - but I love him and I miss him. I know that it doesn't make any sense, but that's how I'm feeling. In terms of achievable? I'd like to have one rational conversation with him, where I feel like he's even listening to me. I'd like to see a glimpse of the man I married. I don't even know right now if that's achievable.
Most of the time when he talks at me, it's only to belittle me. He is doing things that are totally out of character for him when he's sane, but are totally in character for him when he has lost control. I have been down this road with him before and the last time, he was very sorry for making me feel this way and treating me and the kids so horrible. He promised to spend the rest of his life making it up to me, but ... here we go again. However, this time, I really don't know if he cares if he comes back. I truely think he has passed the point of returning. He is doing things now, that he didn't do the last time. Two nights ago, he had our three youngest kids overnight - 12 years, 10 years and 9 years. (The oldest two don't want anything to do with him right now) Anyhow, he got a call out (he's a cop) and he ended up leaving my kids in his apartment alone from 11pm until 5am. He actually left them, forgoing their safety. Being that the legal age for staying home overnight alone is 16 (I called CAS to find out for sure) I'm not sure what he was thinking. I was livid when my 9 year old told me what happened and that he was scared, but I didn't even bother calling him because I know he'd just rant and rave and call me names and justify his behaviour. He refuses to take responsibility for anything right now.
So, what do I want????? I want to be out of this mess and living my life. I want him in it, but not the him that risks the safety of my children, not the him that treats me like crap and not the him that who thinks his behaviour all the way around is acceptable. I pray everyday for answers!!
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
What small changes would you like to see IMMEDIATELY (next 2 weeks) in his behavior? (Small, action oriented, positively state--eg: I would like him to smile when I answer the door.)
I would like him to talk to me instead of at me. I would like him to have one conversation in the next two weeks that didn't involve him screaming, belittling or harassing me.
dbmod -- give me some ideas please, because he doesn't want to talk to me, let alone smile at me. What would be a small measurable step for me being that he truly hates everything about me right now. And, I can't just back off. Today he came to ask me if the kids could sleep over at his house this weekend. I told me that what happened last weekend (his leaving them at home alone overnight) couldn't happen again and that he could have called me and I would have gone and got them. He freaked and started screaming that it was none of my f'ing business what he does with his kids. So, I get doing a 180, but I can't allow him to put my children's safety at risk. So, I told him he couldn't have the kids if he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't leave them alone again. So, we have conflict. I'm trying to avoid conflict, but I don't think there's any choice here. So, how can I 7 step and expect a small measureable change when we have so much conflict??
I just keep asking myself why I even want him back and to be truthful, I can't come up with a good answer. I love him, I do, but he has done nothing but lie and cheat on me for over 17 years. I am so bloody tired! I deserve so much better than that!
cat04 - what do I want for me? Peace - I'm tired of fighting and I know you're going to say stop fighting, but some things need to be discussed and he can't seem to talk without being mean and horrible. And what can I control -- only my actions -- I get that, but even when I'm calm, he still is screaming and belittling. He doesn't fight fair -- he goes straight for the jugular. What can I do to affect some small measurable change right now?? Really, I'm asking, what can I do??
It all just seems so hopeless and pointless right now!!
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
It IS really difficult, because you can't put your children at risk.
So---repackage your communication. You can give him orders, arguments, but what you WANT is compliance. You want him to do what you want him to do (or not do what he's doing). So what's important to HIM.
We do this in corporate america....we can't just give orders (seems like we could, doesn't it)...we have to get 'buy in' from our subordinates/the people on our team.
Like it or not, he's on your team. You need his buy-in to get his compliance. What motivates him? When you have talked to him before, and it has gone WELL, how were you talking to him? Is he the kind of person that likes to be ASKED his opinion? Is he the kind of person that needs a lot of data? Is he the kind of person that just needs to know the high level impact? Is he the sports guy (would it help to compare this to a football game?)
I just keep asking myself why I even want him back and to be truthful, I can't come up with a good answer. I love him, I do, but he has done nothing but lie and cheat on me for over 17 years. I am so bloody tired! I deserve so much better than that!
Do you need to understand why you want him back right now?
Isn't the fact that you love him, simple enough for the time being?
Originally Posted By: Bethann
cat04 - what do I want for me? Peace - I'm tired of fighting and I know you're going to say stop fighting, but some things need to be discussed and he can't seem to talk without being mean and horrible.
Already, in simply a few posts you know what I am going to say?
Maybe not, but is this a pattern for you?
Believe me, I get it, jumping to the logical, to what you would say, making that assumption...
Sometimes, it is really important to actually give someone else a chance to speak and LISTEN to what they are saying. I have been surprised more than once LOL.
Originally Posted By: Bethann
And what can I control -- only my actions -- I get that, but even when I'm calm, he still is screaming and belittling. He doesn't fight fair -- he goes straight for the jugular. What can I do to affect some small measurable change right now??
Tell me Bethann, what do you do when he goes straight for the jugular?
Do you scream back, get defensive, clam up, or do you tell him that you cannot speak to him when he is yelling at you and walk away?
If you take away the target, he has nothing to shoot at.
It is not acceptable that he take his anger out at you that way, however if you continue to allow him to do that by engaging him, he will continue to do it.
Right now, anything you try to tell him, is going to be met with resistance.
You telling him he can't leave the kids alone, was seen by him as a judgement of his parenting. He doesn't want your judgement or criticism.
You have to change your behavior, words, and reactions in order to affect small change.
I really can't tell you step by step what to do. No one can. We can't live this for you, but we can try to help you through it.
It isn't hopeless.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat - when he goes for the jugular I have done all of the above, however, in the last two weeks I can honestly say I haven't screamed back. Monday when he started yelling I just walked away from him. The door shut as he was still yelling at me. However, how is that helping me?? I'm sure he was PO'd when I walked back into the house.
The interesting/sad part is that yesterday and today are better days. I hate to say it, but when I have no contact with him, I feel better. Then I wonder if he feels the same way - that he's better off without me. If all the no contact is just making us realize how much better it is without the other, is there any chance for a reconciliation?
I just seem to be floundering lately. I hadn't really realized how long this was going on, but when I really considered it, my mom walked in on him at my house with the OW in April, he moved out in July, but "tried" to work on us until August, when it was really and truly over. And, we have been at each other's throats since then. So technically, we've been separated for 7 months already, really and truly separated for 3 months. I don't know ..... can things really work out after such a long time period. I wonder if choosing to DB after this length of time is too late???
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
I have had two or three interactions with H in the last couple of days. He called once to talk about Xmas gifts and what we were doing with the kids' presents. We talked calmly and rationally. H had kids overnight on Saturday. (He promised to never leave them alone again - although he justified his actions for leaving them alone in the first place. Also, 9 yr old S wouldn't go to his apartment because he is afraid to be left alone again.) Anyhow, when he came to pick them up he asked D's if they could bring some cards and boardgames for them to play. (He never really talks to me, he asks the kids questions in front of me) So, D asks me if it's alright, and I go and get the games. It's all really grown up and calm. He asks S if he wants to go and he says no, he's not feeling good. I say, if he changes his mind, I'll bring him over later. He just looks at me and keeps talking to the kids, so I say "your welcome" and walk away. H starts sputtering and stuttering but I ignore him and stay in my room until they leave. I go shopping all day with my sisters. Today when they come home D's say they had a good time, played games etc. Then they say (and this just throws me over the edge) that they went and got a movie. The movie rental account is in his name as the primary but my name is on the account also. I have asked if I could get my own account and the movie rental place was like - "your husband hasn't rented a movie in 8 months, its a hassle, just leave it the way it is." So, anyhow, they go and get a movie and guess what, it's the 11th movie rented, which means its the free one - so he USES the free rental!!! I know it's just 7 dollars, but it is so freaking typical of his selfish crappy behaviour. I am paying for everything for the kids and he uses my free rental. Seriously, if I could reach out and touch him I would. I have been two full weeks with no outbursts, no tears and no feeling like I could rip him apart with my bare hands. So could someone tell me why a 7 dollar movie has thrown me over the edge again??? I know that DB is not a quick fix, but I am seeing so little change and this is exhausting -- up one day, down the next and every single time one of my kids cries because of him I hate him just a little bit more. Why are they so stupid and selfish?? Everytime my 12 yr old asks why daddy is hurting us, or if daddy is ever going to come back, I want to beat some sense into him! I love him, but I hate him, and I want him to come back and I never want him in my life again! This is the hardest, most ridiculous thing. I just feel like he totally ruined my life. I mean, he cheated on me before my wedding - if he didn't want to marry me, why didn't he let me find someone else?? Honestly, it's as if his life's goal was to ensure that I never find happiness. Although part of me wants him back, most of me wants revenge and I really think that true revenge is finding someone else and being happy. Because I don't think he'll ever find happiness. He cheats and lies and cheats and lies. Those have been the only true constants in my life. And if he has cheated and lied with me for over 17 years, whats the chances he's going to stop now with someone else. I mean for Pete's sake, he's already on to the second girlfriend since April!!! What is wrong with this man???
Holy smokes - I just totally went off on a tangent. Snapped like a rubber band. I guess this is the place to vent. Sorry bout that.
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
