when was script is not script

[Jstar]

What motivates h? I'm lost there. I really have no clue. (t and a), bending over....

through the whole situation, over a year of seperation what i have learned is that i really do not know him, maybe some things but his core person, i have no idea.

he would love it if i allowed d3 to spend the night, she wouldn't though, she loves her house, her pets, her room, her toys, etc, i don't think her or i are ready for that.

this is where ihave a bad rub. he is off for thanksgiving, instead of asking what plans we have he kind of just ignores it, i believe that he wants that time for him, to go skiing, hanging with his buddies, or whatever. i find this unattractive and selfish and argue with myself that it is not good or is what is best for someone who has children to be so self absorbed.

better yet why i love this man with such differing values of family. I mean i hope i am wrong, i could be, but again i really have no idea. through relationship he seemed like he always wanted to break free. i was controlling to some point in my beliefs that if you are married with children you shouldn't be hanging with your friends, or prefer to do things with your friends or family.

i hope that is just something that i put on me, but based on his actions it is hard not to believe that.

i don't think that it is to much to expect your h to be home with you for dinner, want to do family things not going to baseball games with friends, party in vegas, etc..

[Jstar]

update;

Short work week last week with the thanksgiving holiday. Iknew that h would not ask for anytime with the kids at all for the 4 days, he only sent a happy thanks giving 7 pm on thanksgiving.

sunday i left a vm reminding him that i return to work on monday be at my work at 7 am for the exchange of the kids.

i explained how d3 was supposed to be dressed, and of course she railroaded him. she is the parent he is the child. one of my students even made a comment that they as students are a better parent then he is.

h did not want to hurt d3's feelings by having her wear a thick coat instead she wore her pj top as a coat. i got the excuse again that it was the bags issue, that's the 2nd time i've heard that.

i expressed some genuine concerns of s9months now being able to crawl, how safe is their home, they are hoarders and i have seen stacks and piles of what the front door would allow me to see.

i gave him some choices, let me see if it's safe, take pics or i can have cps or the police do a safety check. i feel like it is hard ball, but there is no talking or reasoning to him. he feels as every problem i voice is a personal attack on him.

if he didn't have a history of bad choices, allow d3 to rule him, and him saying, on times i don't see d3,i give her whatever she wants. so obviously he is having guilt over not seeing them, but that was his choice when he left us.

DA#$% not dumbledores army should have realized that while he was in vegas, out partying or choosing his family over these kids, he could be in their lives each and every day. boy xmas is going to stink for him aswell. i'm off for 2 weeks and i have told him that if anyone wants to see the kids they can come to their home, their comfort level, they are not going to be drug around being show turkeys. d3 tells me she doesn't like her father's house, she doesn't like to be out and about long, and continually says she wants to go home to her house, her room her pets, etc..

[Jstar]

so just had phone convo: what does he ask, have you filed? he wants it so bad. what does it do upsets me. he says, i don't want a piece of paper attached to you, so i say oh i guess the kids are not an attachment either?

[Jstar]

i spent like 2 hours last night typing up stuff to give to him. huge no no, it's not going to do anything or help.

i just keep seeing him get in his truck turning back saying to me in a sheepish scared look, i want to move on. hello we have been seperated for over a year.

[Jstar]

I read most of the posts on here and see that most other's situations are somewhat changeable. some are still living with their spouse, have friendly banter, we have NONE.

i have thought about dating but there is no way for me to date with my circus i have. 24/7 i have children with me, if not at work then at home sleeping, eating, showering EVERYTHING. I like it, i'm happy with my children. how could i share myself with someone else, i want them all to myself. no one else is going to see them the way i do or take joy in them just getting up from bed and me getting a smile packed full of teeth, or d3 jumping out scaring me to death.

i'm sure that there is a man out there who doesn't have kids who would love to be around my kids but i have to be realistic, i'm not in a profession that has many men maybe 3/60 are men, when we are out and about my kids are with me and i think there is an assumption that me with a 3yr old and 9 month old, dad is in the pic, i got that when i got a phone saturday.

[Jstar]

ok, so i get the comment today, lets hurry up and get divorced so i can marry someone else so i can get my papers. i respond, you had that, he asks, with you, ha.!

so now i'm going to take the kids to the zoo over the weekend. d3 asks me to ask her dad to go. what am i supposed to do with that, ask him?

[ScaredinCanada]

Wow, your case makes me very sad/angry. I feel really bad for you in reading your sitch.

My W still lives at home and I mostly believe that's because she couldn't bare to be without her kids, and probably because she knows she couldn't manage on her own (I work days, she works nights).

It feels like she's WA, because she doesn't engage me at all - as if she's trying act as if I'm not even there. Obviously it's only been about a month since she dropped the bomb, so things are still unfolding.

Similar to the advice you been receiving from everyone else, I think you need to try your best to GAL, and surround yourself with people that make you feel good (obviously spend as much time with your kids as possible).

I'm starting to learn (as I detach) from my W, that it is possible for me to be a happy person without her. I'm a work in progress, as I've had issues with self-esteem that I need to address.

I've been going to the gym, playing hockey and taking the kids out as much as possible - to show my W that I am happy and that I'm not sitting around pining over her.

So far it hasn't changed anything, but I feel a little better about the sitch.

I think you need to focus on YOU, think about what happiness means to you - think about what you WANT in your life that will make you happy. From my perspective it shouldn't be about other people making you happy - you need to find your own happiness that you can in turn share with the people in your life.

I wish you all the best, you can do it! I will continue to follow your thread, and comment if I can.

SIC

[StillLearning]

I read most of the posts on here and see that most other's situations are somewhat changeable. some are still living with their spouse, have friendly banter, we have NONE.

I really feel for you b/c I am in the same situation right now.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Jstar,

Have you given your H the feeling that he is the one losing you?

some are still living with their spouse, have friendly banter, we have NONE.

I was in the same situation for months. Did not speak to W other than stuff about the kids.
She noticed me pulling away, she felt as if she was losing ME.
The truth is, she was losing me, I decided I deserved better.

That's when my sitch changed.

[Jstar]

Sacred in Canada,

my sitch tends to make others feel better about their own. thanks for taking the time to read it.

i've done things for me, i leased a car, got a phone, bought some clothes, not much but alittle bit.

i really want to join the gym again, i used to work out for 2-3 hours. i've been planning on checking it out, gotta watch the finances. my job keeps me super busy and there is always stuff to do, ALWAYS.

i know he has been thinking about stuff lately. he says those things to hurt me because i called him on keeping son 9 months in pj's till 4pm.

he is like the casebook wah, he thinks life is great on the other side. he's made a few comments about hwo he doesn't have much time with the kids, i just say, you should have thought about that before you left us.

i think for the most part he is happy, he has no responsibility and i'm not going to instill the kids on him to learn more, he doesn't do a good enough job anyways.

goals, goals, think of goals. i'm so way to tired to exercise, no way i get up in middle of the night with son 9 months, then back up at 5 to get ready for work, work all day with kids and then mine are brought to my work for us to go home, it's cook clean bathe, and by then i'm dead tired. so i live for the weekends. we try to sleep in, kids dictate that,...do fun stuff between errands and chores.

i was going to church but it got to be way to tiring and i don't think i got out of it what i wanted.