Tell him that I prefer to talk about this face to face but if it is too uncomfortable for him to meet me, I will assume the adjournment is important for him and that I will let my L know that I agree to it.
IDK what the heck to do...
This would let you stay dark/dim. If he still wanted to talk to you after that he would have to keep working for it.
Essentially NC past ~6 weeks. Saw each other in hallway a couple of times, I smile, say 'hi' keep walking and make no attempts to engage him. Small changes I notice- he resumes parking in area we have always parked in, starting to loiter a bit in my area at work when not necessary. Maybe trying to catch my eye a couple of times. I just keep doing my thing.
^^^ E, this is good. Going dark is getting his attention.
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The NC followed me blowing him off a little bit when he kept coming to me at work 1) acting like we are pals and wanting to tell me how hard his shift was or 2) to see if I got this letter from L or that etc. Seemed to fill 2 things for him: he got the comfort of talking about this in a 'safe' place and he enjoys talking to me.
These are the needs your H has not been getting met by you. His increased contact, especially his being home sick when he expected you to drop by sound like he is trying to reestablish the level of contact he is comfortable with. Him trying to set the place does sound like he wants you to meet him on his terms. He isn’t ready to stretch and meet you half way.
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Ugh. We have been together 9 years and he can't even face me to talk!?! He is doing everything possible to avoid it.
If your H doesn’t want to talk to you face to face, and you are pushing for it… sounds like you are starting to chase him. You are asking for more contact than he wants. He won’t come to you if you come to him first.
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After being upset about this all day long, I finally reach a point where I say to myself that if he is so uncomfortable and terrified to meet me, he clearly still has feelings. Maybe I should just drop it and tell my L to OK the adjournment. According to my L, it's not like they won't get it anyway regardless of what I want.
^^^ Sounds like a good idea, especially if the outcome on the adjournment is the same regardless of what you do. As far as your H having feelings for you, you are probably right. Just don’t get too wrapped up in what those feelings are. Keep detaching. This is when detaching from your H can help you the most.
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IF, we do meet up, I need to be prepared! I essentially would like to know why he has requested adjournment. If it is to self-serve I want to tell him not to drag his feet. No need to drag this out, I am ready to move on. That being said, its not what I want but if this is how it has to be, I want it over.
^^^ I understand how much all this limbo [censored]. Remember, you have the power to ‘be done’ any time. The D is just paperwork, and a month or two longer isn’t really going to make a big difference in how you deal with this. The emotional D is the tough one, and it really has nothing to do with that piece of paper.
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He will bring up WAS crap again. "I have nothing to hide" Planned response: you and I both know that is not the truth. But the truth is, I don't have a lot of intel. I saw an e-mail that was crossing the friend line back in April. They both had blackberry's so I am sure there was lots more of msging but not where I could see it. I do not have proof of an in-depth EA and no proof of a PA. I KNOW there was at least a EA w/ someone. I know based on his actions. Suspect PA at end. I know PA within weeks of separation. He likes to also say "I am OK with the D"... I don't know how to respond to that. Obviously he is not if he has to bring it up. It is so forced.
Put ALL of this out of your mind, ESPECIALLY if you do meet with him. Unless he wants to come back, there is no point hashing out the details of any of this. If he brings it up, you put it down. Tell him you are not there to discuss your R. Stick to business. This stuff will not help you heal, resolve your legal status, or bring him back.
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Regarding reason for adjournment. Even if he is having second thoughts, he WILL NOT admit it. I am sure of it. He will use some excuse so I don't know how to wade through the crap to say I don't want a D, but I don't want to remain married to someone behaving like him.
^^^ These are issues that are better for you to look at on your own. Don’t ask your H for answers. He doesn’t have his own, much less any to give you.
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I feel like he is holding on to me. Knowing that if he delays it, I am not likely to begin to date until I am officially D'd. Who knows though, maybe it truly has nothing to do with a foot anywhere near the door.
He probably does want to hold on to you and keep you from anyone else too. WAW’s are incredibly hypocritical and irrational about this. Detach. Don’t think about what he wants. When you are ready to date, you will. But… are you really ready to date right now anyway? I don’t know about you, but it may be a long time before I am ready to date again. I don’t want to jump in before I am ready.
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Sorry this is so long. I am just freaked out about how to respond. I have a very difficult and long work week ahead of me. This is not a prime time for meeting him but not sure I can wait any more... but, I may not have a choice.
Hope I didn’t come across too harsh. You have been doing great, and you are still doing great. Unlike your H, you are facing your fears and conquering them. You have come a long way, E. Try to focus on work and take care of yourself. Protect yourself first. Detach. Stop trying to figure out what he is thinking.
One last question for you to mull over… How important is a face to face? It doesn’t help you to stay dark, and it gives your H a bit of the superficial contact he wants. You don’t seem to be expecting to get any answers. If he is having second thoughts and wants to drag this out for that reason, he is unlikely to tell you that. A face to face that he doesn’t want may even push him back into his tunnel. If he isn’t having second thoughts, it is just a matter of paperwork. Either way, staying dark may be your best answer.
Remember E, that you DO have a choice. If meeting with him is not a good idea right now, then don’t. Don’t let him pull you back in.
As always, just my humble opinion. Others may have a different take on this for you. (((E)))
After a six weeks of NC my H started to iniate contact with me, Im not sure if its they are just plain nosy or its the beginning of new things! Honestly you are not going to know, no mind reading just keep doing it..
Its hard sticking to NC not knowing if its having any effect or not. I'd stick with email, keep making yourself a little outta his reach all the time, if hes gonna chase hes gonna have to chase harder ..
The upside to this is that you keep growing into the woman you should be!
Did you get my message on the alt!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Zen- thanks for such a thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it. I guess I just needed to hear it talked out like that to realize I am pushing. I am think I will just reply with a, "You're right, it will be hard to get together. I will let my L know that I agree to the adjournment"...
This is probably much better than what I want to say... why the hell can't you talk to the person with whom you spent 9 years! I am not covering for you at work any more, you left me to 'start over'!!!! If you want a D so bad, stop dragging this out!!!
Ahh, OK, that feels better.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
