I feel your pain. I have been covering for my husband for 7 months as well. I am not saying anything for the sake of his job, meanwhile he is continuing the affair. I agree with you limbo is so hard!!!! I thought it would be easier, less final than a divorce, but I think it is so unsettling and causes a lot of anxiety.
Ok. I think I feel better after a bucket of tears. Needed to remember that I am a whole person now, not the half I was when we separated. Things happen for a reason. Either we find each other again and have a better M than ever before, or we go our separate ways and I still get to be a better partner than I ever was... which can really only lead to more happiness than I was experiencing.
Even though sometimes I have a really hard time believing it, he must be suffering to an extent as well. You don't get to do what he has done and not carry guilt. The guilt eats at you... and will definitely eat at him. He has a conscience, even if he can pretend to the rest of the world that he is 'OK with the D' (as he likes to be sure to add).
I think I now feel OK about the adjournment. I really only have to suffer an extra month if I let myself. I can choose to feel fine that I am not the one pursuing this and remind myself that HE can feel the guilt a little while longer. My real problem was in not having control... there it is, the big 'C' again... but if I remember what I can control, it gets a ton easier. I can even smile as I know I have gained the strength here. Likely, H is far, far behind in this.
Rough, rough day. At least I have a better perspective before bed.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Sorry you have had such a rough day. Thought about your adjournment today and just got back to the computer. Glad you are feeling better now.
I have had those crazy days too, where I feel like the world is crashing down around me. How will I ever survive THIS!?
And then, after a bit, things fall back into perspective. I will survive. Whatever it was that seemed so earth-shattering is somehow berable.
Same problem, nothing really changed. I just saw it differently and realized I would be ok.
One thing I have noticed, is the longer this goes on, the shorter the time it takes to recover from the hurt. That is good, because H keeps dishing it out. You may not have felt like it, but you are doing great, E. You should be really proud of yourself for making so much progress in so short a time. (((hugs)))
Glad to hear your got yourself together again.. Its so hard when you see your H's going on ahead with their lives as if you dont exist, but I think thats part of it, they block us out, if they dont think about us then we cant be a problem and neither do they have to face what awful circumstances they have caused..
Good to see you out and about doing other stuff on the net!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Ok, could use some thoughts on my current sitch, quick update...
Essentially NC past ~6 weeks. Saw each other in hallway a couple of times, I smile, say 'hi' keep walking and make no attempts to engage him. Small changes I notice- he resumes parking in area we have always parked in, starting to loiter a bit in my area at work when not necessary. Maybe trying to catch my eye a couple of times. I just keep doing my thing.
The NC followed me blowing him off a little bit when he kept coming to me at work 1) acting like we are pals and wanting to tell me how hard his shift was or 2) to see if I got this letter from L or that etc. Seemed to fill 2 things for him: he got the comfort of talking about this in a 'safe' place and he enjoys talking to me.
Tues. first contact, he e-mails me about changing my account to my password as he realized he had set it up for me & let me know he found a non-essential item at the house I had asked him to look for 3 months prior. I replied thanks...planning on coming to house Thurs + Frid to get rest of my stuff if it worked out for me. It is implied, as before, that I will do that while he is at work. He replies I can get it whenever I want.
Thurs is notice of request for adjournment- no sure if he or his L initiated it. Text that I am heading out to house in 1 hr, could we meet some time to talk about adjournment, coffee perhaps? He replies he is at the house sick. Told him I will come on Fri instead then, hope he feels better.
No text back.
I do not text or go on Fri, did not see his car at work (TBH, chickened out a little). Sunday he texts I should call to discuss adjournment and rescheduling when I have time... now I know he initiated it and he still doesn't want to meet face to face w/o a security blanket (house, school).
I respond via e-mail and cc my L: H, I work all week. I would be happy to meet after work somewhere to discuss adjournment so I can reply to Mr. L. Can see H opened e-mail but no response. (2 e-mails from L in that time wishing me luck and building my self-esteem )
This AM (Monday), he comes to find me at work, 'do you have a minute to talk?' I tell him I don't, he can see I am busy and this is the time of day I can not talk. (besides, I have already requested that he does not talk to me about this at work) He says he has a flexible schedule this week, call when I can to talk about the adjournment and rescheduling.
Ugh. We have been together 9 years and he can't even face me to talk!?! He is doing everything possible to avoid it.
After being upset about this all day long, I finally reach a point where I say to myself that if he is so uncomfortable and terrified to meet me, he clearly still has feelings. Maybe I should just drop it and tell my L to OK the adjournment. According to my L, it's not like they won't get it anyway regardless of what I want.
IF, we do meet up, I need to be prepared! I essentially would like to know why he has requested adjournment. If it is to self-serve I want to tell him not to drag his feet. No need to drag this out, I am ready to move on. That being said, its not what I want but if this is how it has to be, I want it over.
He will bring up WAS crap again. "I have nothing to hide" Planned response: you and I both know that is not the truth. But the truth is, I don't have a lot of intel. I saw an e-mail that was crossing the friend line back in April. They both had blackberry's so I am sure there was lots more of msging but not where I could see it. I do not have proof of an in-depth EA and no proof of a PA. I KNOW there was at least a EA w/ someone. I know based on his actions. Suspect PA at end. I know PA within weeks of separation.
He likes to also say "I am OK with the D"... I don't know how to respond to that. Obviously he is not if he has to bring it up. It is so forced.
Regarding reason for adjournment. Even if he is having second thoughts, he WILL NOT admit it. I am sure of it. He will use some excuse so I don't know how to wade through the crap to say I don't want a D, but I don't want to remain married to someone behaving like him.
I feel like he is holding on to me. Knowing that if he delays it, I am not likely to begin to date until I am officially D'd. Who knows though, maybe it truly has nothing to do with a foot anywhere near the door. Sorry this is so long. I am just freaked out about how to respond. I have a very difficult and long work week ahead of me. This is not a prime time for meeting him but not sure I can wait any more... but, I may not have a choice.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Tell him that I prefer to talk about this face to face but if it is too uncomfortable for him to meet me, I will assume the adjournment is important for him and that I will let my L know that I agree to it.
IDK what the heck to do...
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Answers to those pesky 'why' questions are unlikely, but your post sounds like you already know that. It sounds like your H is trying to push the boundries you set, especially trying to 'talk' at work. Very likely that he is looking for reasurances too.
Your H doesn't sound like he is looking to do any meaningful reconnection. Be careful about getting your hopes up about getting any answers from him.
Don't rush this. If you decide to meet him, make sure it is when and where you are comfortable. Try to let go of your expectations and listen to him. You may not find out what you need to hear, but you may find out something. He is trying hard to tell you something. It may not be anything helpful, but who knows? Whatever it is, he sounds like he is spending a lot of energy trying to get to you.
Anyway, just .02 from a sleepy person on cold meds. Hope I was at least coherant.
