Last night was a mild success I would say. We ate dinner together at a quiet restaurant (basically had the place to ourselves). We talked a lot about my hospital stay which she wasn't involved in, my men's group, and I took ownership of how I had treated her in the last few months. I let her know that regardless of everything I've always loved her, but until now wasn't able to love her in the way she needed to be loved.
The basic message that came across from her was that a lot had gone on and she had a lot of anger still built up for me and she was having a very difficult time letting that go. Oddly enough her words were, "And getting past all that is hard and I would have to get through that in therapy." That's the first time SHE has mentioned going to therapy for herself. I'm happy for her.
The other basic message was that she was afraid that too much had happened and not only was she not ready to date me, spend a lot of time with me, or anything like that, but she needed to get over some things if she could and would let me know when she was ready again, if ever. She also said that she was so very broken that she didn't want to be with anyone at all. I validated her feelings and told her that I wanted to love her in the way she needed to be loved - and I was here to meet her emotional needs.
I think she said at one point for me not to wait around on her and make my end goal to be with her, but just to be a better man. That if my end goal I was working towards was to be with her again, I would probably be let down because it isn't probable. That was difficult to hear, but I validated that with her.
She likened the fact that coming back to me was difficult because it was as if she went to a restaurant and got food poisoning. It'd be difficult to go back and eat at that restaurant ever again. I validated her feeling that way, but put in a nice, "Well, this restaurant is under new management." She kind of chuckled.
The subject of OW came up, and I told her that I was no longer talking with her and explained that whole situation to her. She said, "I don't care. We're separated, you can do whatever you want. I don't care." I told her that it was fine for her to feel that way, but I wasn't going out there to date anyone. Not only was I here to work on myself, but I am a man of integrity and I will be faithful to my wife as long as I can because that is the man that I want to be. She seemed lukewarm on that.
She cried a bit throughout all of this, as did I. At the end of dinner she said, "I'm glad I came tonight. I didn't really want to. But, I feel like for the first time in a very long time we're both on the same page." I guess my validating worked. She also talked a lot about her work and other things going on, laughed quite a bit, smiled too. I haven't seen her laugh or smile in months, and it made me happy to see her that way again if only for a few moments.
Some through dinner, car ride, we held hands. She dropped me off at my house because she needs the car today and I saw just how broken she really was. She's pretty far gone, people. I've done a lot of damage to her, and she's done a lot of damage to herself. Then when she was getting ready to leave she was crying a little and I reached up with my hand to wipe away a tear from her face and she moved away quickly and in a stern voice said, "Don't touch me!" It was very weird and out of character. I said goonight and she said ILY.
She has a lot of things going on with her that she needs to work through. Quite a lot. I'm feeling sad for her today.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
EDITED - This forum exists to help those who come looking for encouragement and support during a difficult time in their lives. Your ideas and suggestions are welcome. However, you must treat everyone with respect, refraining from rudeness -even if or when you may not agree with what they are saying or doing in their lives. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
EDITED - This forum exists to help those who come looking for encouragement and support during a difficult time in their lives. Your ideas and suggestions are welcome. However, you must treat everyone with respect, refraining from rudeness -even if or when you may not agree with what they are saying or doing in their lives. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
EDITED - This forum exists to help those who come looking for encouragement and support during a difficult time in their lives. Your ideas and suggestions are welcome. However, you must treat everyone with respect, refraining from rudeness -even if or when you may not agree with what they are saying or doing in their lives. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
She has conflicting emotions, it's hard for her. Women's bodies and emotions are just wired differently than men's...and when they're upset women can give come close/go away signals. Watch her body language more than her words. Let her lead the way.
My W just has a ton of built up anger and resentment towards me, and it showed last night/today. She called me after her class just to chat, and we talked for about 20 minutes or so on her drive home. It's not like her to do that, and it was nice of her.
She mentions in passing that the school district that I'm is switching to traditional calendar next year instead of year round schools. I tell her I think that might be good, who knows. She then tells me she prefers year-round schooling, she's been doing research, etc.... and she would prefer that if possible. I told her I didn't agree with that necessarily, and then I heard her anger and resentment boil on the phone.
I felt her lashing out at me, bring that anger from below and arguing with me. I stayed calm and cool, but she couldn't. She tried to get a rise out of me and I wouldn't give it to her. She then tried to give me the whole, "you just want control over all of this just like before and have it your way, blah blah" stuff. I told her no, I would do some research but as of now I didn't agree with her. That didn't make me a controlling SOB, I just disagreed with her. She then threw an F-bomb at me in some sentence and I told her that the conversation was over, this wasn't productive and for her to have a good night and hung up.
She called back, and I answered. She then began to explain how frustrated and angry she was at me and I validated and told her I understood. But, I wouldn't talk anymore about it tonight because it wasn't a good time to do so. She said something trite and hung up.
Today she came and picked S4 up and took his jacket that I had hanging up for him to wear back to her house. I asked her if she could please bring it back next time because out of the 5 jackets he has, only 1 was left here since we've been switching back and forth and swapping child/clothes. She took it defensively and started to complain about the clothes he wears over to my place and how I should send him back in the same clothing he came over with. I told her that wasn't realistic because we swap every other day and I couldn't do laundry like that, nor did it make sense for S4 to wear the same clothing two days in a row. She basically turned it into a power struggle with me ending up saying, "OK, we'll see if we can do better on this."
She just has all this anger. Self-admittedly she can't let it go. She just has serious anger management issues that now I'm recognizing and in all honestly am empathic to them. It's weird.
Just now she calls me concerning the car that is in the shop (we've been sharing a car for 3 days) and says that it will be ready and she can pick it up later and will get me from work to go there. Then she starts crying and tells me that she's upset she has to drive a busted car and she's been looking at apartments all day and they smell like cat piss. She keeps crying and all I could really say was, "I'm sorry you're sad."
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Ummm... Just a woman's perspective here. I think the school issue is a hot button for many of us Moms.
Even when my kiddos were old enough to be in middle school, summers stressed me every year. Even though my H would deal with it sometimes, it was basically "my" thing to juggle. I did not want her just parked in front of the TV set all summer, and even with some flexibility from my employer I was a nervous wreck by August juggling camps, playdates, etc.
I did resent my husband for not having to worry about it, or thinking it was OK to plop them on the couch all day. So, I felt very torn...wanting to work and contribute financially, but also wanting my kid to have a good summer. On top of that... The laundry, making a decent home for your family and adequete nutritious meals that kids need -/ WOW, most women who work just come home to the 2nd shift of housework, kids, etc.
So although year round school may SEEM like an innocuous issue, it's one of my hot buttons. Being a GOOD mom is the hardest job on the planet. Especially if your spouse travels a lot and works all the time. Not sure about your sitch, but usually the W has to deal with these big school calendar issues.
Personally, I think it's great she felt safe enough to express this to you.
