If it is your intention to show up to dinner with your W wearing your wedding ring, you might want to rethink that. Asking her out was enough pressure to begin with. Wearing the ring might be too much for her.
I agree. Can also come off controling again. She doesnt want to be controled. She wants to be let go and given her freedom. Once she gets it she comes back running. Keep on doing what works. Not what YOU FEEL works. Liek CG said. Doing what works in using LOGIC.
Other than asking you for favors and accepting an invitation to go out with you (and IMO you sort of had to cajole her to accept) your W hasn't given you any indication she is ready to move forward.
As a woman I can tell you when you are already on the fence about a man and they do ANYTHING that resembles pursuit - it's a major turn off. It feels like pressure and suffocation and it becomes VERY easy to get off the fence and decide.
Don't try and create an artificial bond if it's not yet there.
Fair enough. Maybe the ring is too much for tonight, I agree.
I want to wear it for myself, but I also understand that if she sees it that may be too much for her.
And you're right about her not giving any indication of moving forward. She did show indication right after I got out of the hospital, but I took that a little too far to mean she was thinking about coming home. I think she just wanted to talk about us, and maybe where we are going in all of this and possibly rebuilding slowly something. I took it too far and thought she meant moving back home - which she quickly shut down on and we didn't have that talk.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I think my message tonight will be the following if it is brought up:
- Neither of us are ready to move back in, there are a lot of trust issues that still reside and I would like to work on that first - I've had terrible advice from my men's group mentor, and give her examples - I'm on different meds from the doctor who's said I have GAD - Almost dying was not fun, and has made an impact on who I want to be and who I am. I don't want to waste another day being angry or hurt - I've made the mistake of expecting her to do the work required and take the initiative to fix all of this, which I won't make again. I'll just work on me which I should have been going on all along rather than focusing on her. - Validate. Validate. Validate.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
IMO you do an awful lot of mind reading when it comes to your W.
I guess I don't understand why you always feel your W *wants* to talk about where things are going. Is it because YOU want to talk about that? In this case I am not sure it's so bad NOT to know.
It is very annoying to always have to talk about something when you don't want to or are not sure what is next. Sometimes it is best just to be and let things happen in a more organic fashion. It is VERY upsetting to feel so boxed in by feelings and desires if the feeling is not mutual. It's a real killer of anything positive.
Until your W knocks on your door and says she is ready to come home and is ready to do the work to reconcile AND she has a clear plan on her participation in that venture then leave things be. Your W knows exactly how available you are.
See, John - your list is exactly what some of us are trying to point out.
Your ACTIONS will exhibit all of those things. Words mean nothing. Your W will eventually see your anxiety has lessened. Hearing about it hardly has the impact of SEEING it.
Telling her you are changed after the hospital is not necessary - just change and go about your business if you feel something new is in order.
I really hope you consider a woman's viewpoint - she will not be impressed with talking - keep quiet and let your actions say it all. All this talking is like beating a dead horse.
I think my message tonight will be the following if it is brought up:
- Neither of us are ready to move back in (mind reading), there are a lot of trust issues that still reside and I would like to work on that first (Actions and boundaries)- I've had terrible advice from my men's group mentor, and give her examples (pursuing, convincing, excusing)- I'm on different meds from the doctor who's said I have GAD (more pity - opposite show of strength and respect)- Almost dying was not fun, and has made an impact on who I want to be and who I am. I don't want to waste another day being angry or hurt (let actions speak, more excuses)- I've made the mistake of expecting her to do the work required and take the initiative to fix all of this, which I won't make again. I'll just work on me which I should have been going on all along rather than focusing on her. - Validate. Validate. Validate.
Validate that which is valid. Dont put of with anymore guilt though.
CityGirl has given you great advice, personally I think it is too soon to have a one on one dinner with your W. However, since you are please don't bring up how you have changed, R issues or blaming a mentor for bad advice. This will appear weak and manipulating in the eyes of your W. Talk about your son, her school, work...anything but the planned topics that you outlined in your previous post.
