Not sure where to start or end? WAW? #4

[sgctxok]

Excellent! Spend most of your time LISTENING to her, though.

[gutwrenching]

Great advice on listening. A WAS wants to be heard. That is one I learned. As it was once put to me, they become more selfish in WAS mode, probably because they are tired of their needs not being met.

I hear you on the editing. The good news is the experts are spending more times on these boards, I would personally prefer that maybe they point out why some things people are posting aren't in-line with DB and isn't good advice versus just wiping it out...but it is what it is...

Good luck, you've certainly been through quite a sitch of twists and turns

[john28]

That's a good point everyone - to ask her leading questions intent on listening for the answers. I'm sure I can do that. Then, validate. validate. validate.

[PMA_Baby!]

You sound better John. Just be careful in explaining your actions to her. She will think you are doing them for the wrong reasons. "Hey look I'm not going to the tournament... so I can see our son...." Let your ACTIONS do the talking for you. It will carry more weight. If you tell her then she will think you're are only doing it to get her attention.

At dinner. Validate. But let her chase you. Hold your ground in order to gain back the respect that has been lost.

Gd Luck.

[john28]

Thanks PMA. I saw her this morning at drop off and when saying good bye I said, "I'll see you later tonight" and she said OK. So it looks like we're still on for tonight...

She called me at work today and asked me to fax (again) something medical related and I was happy and chipper to do so. After doing so I called her and let her know it was done. She seemed very thankful.

Kindness is a first step in all of this mess.

[john28]

I put my wedding ring back on. It has been off for at least 6 weeks now. I felt like it was the right thing to do. I am still M to my W and dedicated to my family. When I took it off I was angry and hurt, and that's not a good enough reason. Even though she may not be in this M, I'm still M to her and I will continue to show my dedication to this family.

[PMA_Baby!]

Again. Remember cat and mouse. Be the mouse not the cat. if you pursue you might get her back but she will still be in control. You need to make sure she respects you for you and will not take advantage. So take things slow. If you are detached then she cant pull your strings.

[CityGirl]

Learn from what you just posted.

You said you took your ring off because you FELT hurt and angry. Your emotions guided you.

Now you are putting it back on because you FEEL it's the right thing to do. Emotions guiding you again.

You don't need a ring to show dedication to a family. All you need is action based on good sense and not feelings.

How will you handle it if your W brings up an R talk tonight? Don't listen to your feelings... act on LOGIC. And logic says you or your W are not in any place to be talking about the R.

[john28]

If my W brings up R talk tonight then I will validate. She has seen changes lately and has commented on them. I'm sure that will come up undoubtedly.

Yes, I put my ring back on because it FEELS like the right thing to do. But, I also want my actions to show as well. For me putting the ring back on is an action. It's an action to myself to show and remind myself that I'm dedicated to this until it is over.

[john28]

Man, I hate not being able to edit posts....

I've been through a lot in the past few weeks. I almost died in the hospital and was put on a ventilator for 3 days. I've also been getting terrible advice from my mentor (who is no more) in a men's group that I belong to. I switched mentors and that has had a positive impact on who I am.

I also saw my shrink who put me on different meds, and said I have general anxiety disorder. They have helped tremendously. I have a set of meds for everyday use, and then an "emergency" med for the really hard times. I've managed very well with them and they are making a good impact.

Previously my anxiety would get the best of me and I would call her and either whine or lash out which hasn't happened in a few weeks.

She has seemed generally concerned about my health especially since my hospital stay and I want to let her know what is going on with that in regards to my meds, men's mentor, and my near death hospital stay which we haven't really discussed.