Ok i had a short thread in infidelity, and I know that it is frustrating to people to have multiple threads, but there are more people viewing in this forum. I am getting ready to start a rough road and I could use some guidance, so I am hoping for a few people who might stick with me on this. As I am a newbie it fits for me as well.
Little background info- I found out about my husband's affair mid affair. It looks as if it had been going on for about 3 months, but all I have is text records to go off of. The day I found out he said that it was just texts, but he didn't know if he could stop. I yelled, cried, and begged, and threatened (probably all the wrong things to do). He then came home from work and said he wanted to work on our marriage, but that I needed to change. I swore to him that we would work on things. He seemed to have no contact (they worked together but were both on summer break). I found out little by little that the affair was much more than i thought. It was PA, they talked about leaving spouses for each other, hers found out and left her. He attempted to do some of what I asked, which was not much, but we continued to argue over things such as lying, not calling me to let me know where he was etc. We would fight, he would accuse me of not changing, but ultimately the fights were usually caused by trickle truth. Then they started up work together again, and I found out twice that he was in contact with her. Both times I got mad, told him to leave and then asked him to come back. (I know wrong again.)
The last time I asked him not to go we got in a huge fight, he was adamant about getting an apartment, pretty unclear as to whether or not he was still seeing her, and told me that it didn't matter whether or not he was seeing her b/c the reason he was leaving is that he never wanted to fight like this again.
My husband did not always act the way he is now. We never had a perfect marriage, communication has always been an issue, but he always treated me respectfully, now he seems angry and distant all of the time.
He is moving out this week. I am sad, scared, and trying so hard to detach. I want to save my marriage, but I don't know what else to do. The holidays are going to kill me. My family all lives 1000 miles away and I have always been with his family.
Anyone's advice, encouragement direction is greatly appreciated. I used to be married to a good man. Is it really over?
Just take a deep breath, lost. It may or may not be a quick and easy road.....but it WILL be ok.
It isn't over. It isn't too late.
#1: Take good care of yourself. That is much more attractive. #2: Ignore his words....UNLESS he's tell you something he likes or doesn't like about you. Then don't believe the bad sooooo much....just really listen. It is information.
#3: Watch his actions....that's what we're looking to improve.
#4: Do not issue ultimatums or boundaries. It won't work for you right now.
#5: Don't cry and beg him back and try to set too many hard fast rules for him with the holidays coming up.
Do you have children? Have you every had a family member who was terribly ill and behaved badly? This is like that. He's what Michele calls: teething. He won't always be teething.
Hang in there. You can do this.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
How about some more info? Kids? How long married? Obviously trust and communication are issues for y'all - anything else? What has he said he wants you to "change"? Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Thanks for the support. I have moments where I feel like I can do this, and moments where it just feels unbearable. It is so hard right now especially b/c he is till at home until the end of the week. And nights like tonight I come home and he will ask me all sorts of questions about my day, and he will sit in the t.v. room with me and talk to me like everything is normal. It will seem like things are the way they were before, but they're not.
As for more info we have on son he is two, and has been a difficult baby since he was born. We both love him to death, but he has put a lot of strain on our marriage. We have been married for 10 years. Since my son has been born things have been harder for us. We do not get together time almost ever. I put on weight with the pregnancy. I have been stressed out a lot of the time and he feels like we fight too much. Those would be the big issues that he talked about wanting to change.
When I first found out about the affair, he made a comment like he thought that I wouldn't care b/c I didn't love him anyway. So at first I thought it might just be a cry out for help, but I have tried to make it clear how much I love him since the affair and that only seems to make it worse, so that doesn't seem to be the answer.
When he first started no contact and attempting to reconcile he said that he really wanted our family back and would work for however long it took. But he witheld so much information and each new fact I would find out would set me back a bit. I would bounce back each time and keep trying, but it is almost like the more I knew about what really happened the less he was willing to work on it. Then when they started back to work together, he would come home in a funk all of the time. I would call him on it and he would get mad and we would fight. Things just went down hill from there.
Horrible I know. But honestly one way or another it will get better or should I say you will get better.
There can be success stories and you know your situation best. Best advice I can give you is read those books and be very very kind to yourself. You are what matters here.
So he signed on his apartment yesterday, but has not said when he plans on moving out yet. Do I wait and see, or do I bring it up and ask him to leave?
I am about to sit down and discuss his moving out. I am going to try to show no emotion, which is very hard for me. I have found any emotion I show at all gets anger from him, so it really is in my best interest not to. He wants to move out, so there is no part in arguing this anymore. I just don't know if I start talking divorce now, or wait a couple of months and see what happens.
