No, she does not control it, she just spends it. She never knows how much money is in the checking account. So I am the one that has to keep an eye on it so that checks do not bounce. She does carry the checkbook because I never pay anything with checks but was never able to persuade her to do the same. We have all our accounts joined (will never make that mistake again). So yes, I have thought about separating our finances. Closing all the joint accounts and credit cards but don't know yet how she will react to that. I need help from the vets on this because I am not sure that is the right way to go. OM is bankrupt and she is "in love" so I am worried about some money "evaporating" for that reason. The main issue here is that some times she is the person I know and trust and sometimes she is not. She feels she deserves to be supported because according to her she sacrificed here career to rear the children and now she needs help with getting her credential to teach again. I guess I can tell her that we can split everything we had up to the day she dropped the bomb and from then on what I make is mine and I will pay her child support and alimony. I think that is more than fair. I just do not want her to stay for financial reasons. Yes, she probably would say ok to droping OM but it would not be sincere. I know she thinks about this all the time and does not feel good about it. In that sense she is an atypical WAW. She did not wait until she was able to survive on her own to drop the bomb and now she regrets it. (the timing I mean). She is expecting me to kick her out any minute now and she is dumbfounded that I have not done it yet. She is in Idaho with her family right now and has been for two weeks. The only time she called to talk about the R she asked me if she still had a home to come back to. I told her that I never kicked her out and would never do that. I do not want to separate her from the children. They spend most of the time with her because I work an hour away from home. In any case part of our problems were that she felt I was controlling because I would not agree with her spending habits. However, I never stopped her from doing anything. There is also guilt on my part. I feel I was too harsh before the bomb droped because I was always pointing out the non-sense in her spending and how much more money we would have if she had been more careful. When we finally talked about separation, I told her that I never meant to hurt her. That if I wanted to save money was for the future of the family and now that she was destroying it I could care less if she spent it all. So if I start making money the issue, I would be contradicting myself.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
My Xw did much of the same. Much of her 'awe' of my committment was out of guilt.
This is my feeling about this...she is probably feeling unworthy to some degree. She in some small (very) way knows that you have turned around and that could possibly be a good husband and father. She knows she's screwed up and there's no going back. Truth, ego or whatever reason, she cannot face the reality of her behavior. Eventually, she will try and find another man to be this again for her and she will have a clean slate and can be the 'good girl' again.
The key is getting her to realize this...that history means something. And the only way to start this is for you to make the best of this and drop the rope...
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
1-No more naging. The OM will start to get that soon enough. 2-When D is final I will control at leas 1/4 of my income, right now I control 1% and she spends 99% on stuff that just aggravates me. 3-I will get to take my children to my side of the family on some Holidays. Up until now they only know my dad in person and my sister, niece, nephew and brother in law thanks to Skype. My mother they have only seen in pictures. Because we always have gone to her family for every single holiday, and no, I am not exagerating. 4-I will be able to separate my finances and credit from hers. From D day on, if she is late paying her credit card bill, the fee comes out of her pocket not mine. If she wants to waste money on every weight loss product or method known to man, she will be paying for it and I won't be getting upset anymore about it.
5- I will get to watch what I want on TV. No more Real Housewifes of _______ (fill in the blank) or "Medium" or that Jennifer Love Hewett Show about dead people.
6-I get to buy my own clothes and not wear things I do not like just to please her.
Don't forget to take your pants back from her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Get your own bank account right away. Start protecting your assets and prepare for the divorce. Just because you prepare for it, doesnt mean it will happen. Separate all financial matters. Do not move out of the house. Do not let her take the kids out of state until an arrangement is made. If she gets upset, so what! She is having an affair with another man! She doesnt care about your feelings in all of this, so dont worry about hers.
See a lawyer, get the ball rolling. Make sure she understands that you will not settle for anything less than shared custody of the children. They can stay with you and visit at her place.
please protect yourself. If this affair continues, she will be spending your money to have a good time with his broke butt.
Solid advice, tank. I took this advice and I'm glad I did. Money started disappearing from my business account to the tune of $400 per day. I shut that down quick. In reality, cutting them off forces them to start thinking about consequences...
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
