....I do have to stand up for myself when she comes up with her endless supply of CB. She hates when I call her out on it. For example, last night we were helping the twins with their homework. W was at the counter looking at the calendar when twin1 asked her a question about his homework because I was working with twin2 on his. She said to him, "Just give me a damn minute. I got a lot of shite on my mind and trying to figure out what in the hell we're going to do this week. Just give me two damn seconds." Twin1 hung his head and came back to the table. I said to her, calmly, "W, twin1 didn't deserve to be talked to that way. He was only asking for help, he did not need to be cussed at." She sneered and snickered and said she didn't cuss at him. I said that she had. She was trying to figure out sitters and who was going where for the week and she didn't see me doing anything to help. I said all she had to do was ask. She handles the sitters and continually says she will take care of it. She stormed of, very pissed and I finished up with homework.
It's like this almost all the time. If she initiates the convo, I listen, really listen. When I initiate anything, I get a grunt if anything. What am I missing? If you could give me some examples on how to interact differently with her, I would appreciate it.
Nice!
You let your wife talk like that to your son?
Volume.
I'm guessing you have none or very little in your voice when you speak.
It's not just about the words, if there is no impact behind them, if it sounds like you're a mouse and you're trying to talk to a lion, guess what, you can validate and talk politely and calmly all day long, you're still just a mouse talking to a lion.
Be the lion but do it the right way.
I don't advocate yelling so don't misunderstand what I'm saying.
If I was you and your wife had spoken like that to the kids, I would have said loudly with some impact to my voice:
"HEY!"
Make your presence known.
"Don't talk to our son like that ever again. You're the parent, he's the kid, he's coming to you for some direction, not crappy words and a crappier response. Are you a kid or an adult? Smarten up! He's going to remember times like this when he grows up, choose your words wisely next time! If you're stressed by the schedule take a break and go back to it later. I don't care what our current situation is, I don't want to hear you talk like that to our kids ever again. Is that understood?"
You have to mean it when you say it.
Look you can validate your a$$ off and guess what, when you sound like a mouse looking for approval from a lion, you'll get the same response every time from her. She doesn't care, all she hears is blah blah blah.
Don't underestimate the impact that strength and volume of your voice has when used in the proper application.
Instead of calmly and quietly responding like "Wife, our son didn't deserve to be talked that way...."
You give her a dose of the medicine.
If she doesn't like it when you finally show you have some guts with the tone of your voice and the strength the volume of your voice conveys, you tell her straight "good I'm glad you didn't enjoy it, you just proved my point with how you spoke to our son, make sure you control yourself next time!"
Getting to your other point, observe reality.
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...It's like this almost all the time. If she initiates the convo, I listen, really listen. When I initiate anything, I get a grunt if anything. What am I missing? If you could give me some examples on how to interact differently with her, I would appreciate it.
Stop initiating any conversation, literally.
If you're talking to her and she grunts, call her on it, a grunt isn't a response by a human, it's a response by an animal. Tell her this. Get used to calling her on this crap behavior. You've trained her to talk to you like this because you've never spoken up before in the past, you just let her talk like this repeatedly to you until it became a habit, now you have to tell her you're tired of this crap behavior and to smarten up. She will respond to you, trust me, she'll probably tell you to take a hike in more colorful language, but that's ok, just smile and walk away, don't reward her behavior with your attention, just hold up your hand like a stop sign when she talks to you and then walk away. "Look wife, when you're ready to talk like an adult, I'll make some time to listen to you but until then no thanks, you're way to unattractive in this state for me to look at you let alone listen to you."
Always call a person out on crap behavior.
Stop being silent.
Stop being a mouse.
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...She sneered and snickered and said she didn't cuss at him.
Think about the amount of disrespect a person has for other when they respond this way, that's crap behavior. She probably responds to you like that also, in fact I'll bet some good money that she's done that to you regularly and now she's doing the same with your kids.
Crap behavior, call her out on it, let her know it will stop.
She has no respect for you, she can't love you if she doesn't respect you, she can't respect you if you don't stand up to her when the situation calls for it, if you can't stand up to her, how could you ever be able to stand up for her if the situation ever required it? She knows this too, subconsciously, this message is hardwired into her brain, that's why she is disrespectful towards you, she feels stronger than you, she can't respect you because of this, so you can forget about love and marriage or any other concept until you get this respect situation figured out and turned around.
Start respecting yourself first and foremost, learn what that's about, learn what's required, stop this door mat behavior, you are teaching your children to act as you do, they won't learn by your words, they will learn by your actions and they are learning right now as they are small, all children do.
You can start learning this anytime, pick a day to start, today is as good a day as any other.
I'm guessing you have none or very little in your voice when you speak.
It's not just about the words, if there is no impact behind them, if it sounds like you're a mouse and you're trying to talk to a lion, guess what, you can validate and talk politely and calmly all day long, you're still just a mouse talking to a lion.
Be the lion but do it the right way.
I don't advocate yelling so don't misunderstand what I'm saying.
Rob, don't get the idea that I'm not doing or trying to do what I been told here. I have read where being calm was the key. At least that's how I took it. It is not a matter of being afraid of her or not standing up for my kids. I have all this info in my head and am always thinking about the best way to handle a certain situation. Doing things different. My first thought was to jump up and do as you said and tell her if she ever talks to him or any of the other kids like that, she can...... So I tried the calm approach thinking it would have the intended impact and would show the kids respect from me even though there was none from her. Do you know what I'm trying to say?
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You can start learning this anytime, pick a day to start, today is as good a day as any other.
I hope this isn't sarcasm and I'm not taking it that way. I do want to learn. I hope I have proved that in the time I have been here. Maybe I am a slow learner but I want to do things the right way.
Thanks for the well thought out reply. I appreciate it and don't want anyone to give up on me or think I am being a pu$$y. I want the best chance to save my M and I am okay if she leaves and won't work on it. I want to know I did all that I could and did it the right way. I am ALWAYS open to suggestions.
I don't know much, and I read you posting that OM is a "snake" and all of that, but...
Who's to say somebody (ahem) isn't pushing him to go after the other teacher? He could very well be doing that on his own to protect his own job, but then... you have to wonder why push to fire the teacher if that is the case because... teachers have unions, there is a review process, and he knows this.
Not saying it isn't all his idea, but who was it questioning you about the possibility of the teacher having contacted you via phone?
And then there's the example you gave us of her being nasty with your kids.
You have more facts at your disposal than you've provided us with, and I am sure you remember things better than we could ever possibly remember your situation.
But... I have to ask... (and maybe rob is sensing it too), just who is it you are really dealing with here? Judging only by actions, of course.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Correct me if I'm wrong, Time, but if you are suggesting my W is pushing this, I agree and that is what I was suggesting in my post. It would benefit W and super if the teacher were to be fired.
Here are some things from the state school board site -
Code of Conduct -
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I will avoid any conflict of interest or the appearance of impropriety which could result from my position
, and will not use my board membership for personal gain or publicity.
And -
The Board Employs a Superintendent.
The Board employs and evaluates one person - the Superintendent - and holds that person accountable for district performance and compliance with written Board policy.
An effective School Board develops and maintains a productive relationship with the Superintendent. The employment relationship consists of mutual respect and a clear understanding of respective roles, responsibilities and expectations. This relationship should be grounded in a thoughtfully crafted employment contract and job description; procedures for communications and ongoing assessment; and reliance on written policy. Although the Board is legally required to approve all employment contracts, the Board delegates authority to the Superintendent to select and evaluate all district staff within the standards established in written Board policy.
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Not saying it isn't all his idea, but who was it questioning you about the possibility of the teacher having contacted you via phone?
My W told the board that she saw the teacher's phone# on my phone bill. She gladly gave that bit of info.
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But... I have to ask... (and maybe rob is sensing it too), just who is it you are really dealing with here? Judging only by actions, of course.
It seems to me to be a team effort and they are trying to get as many people on their side as they can no matter who gets screwed in the process.
Just to be clear, I presume that you would advise that IDU have that kind of talk regarding how W speaks to the children outside of the presence of the children?
It seems to me to be a team effort and they are trying to get as many people on their side as they can no matter who gets screwed in the process.
To an outsider using the information you have provided here, it sure does sound that way.
Pretty heavy-handed stuff, don't you think? I mean firing somebody because they say you might be having an affair you are actually having?
I assume the teacher has a family to provide for as well, and even if they were single, that's pretty crappy treatment considering.
This kind of thing has the fur on my neck standing up lately. It really bugs me to read about this kind of thing and wonder if anybody is going to stand up and say "This is just wrong".
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
point taken.