How do you move on...when do you just give up?

[marie2235]

Long story short, my husband of 16 years is having a EA/PA with a 20 year old kid. After trying everything, including DB'ing, I have pretty much given up. He is extremly emotionaly abusive to me and is using the feelign he knows I still have for him to play mind games.

I am trying to get the strenth to file - I found a lawyer - and I am half hoping that this will wake him up, will make him stop. He has told me, more times than I can count, the only reason he hasn't filed yet is becuase he can't afford to move out or he would be gone. I am afraid for many reasons - financially, being able to support myself and my kids, even wtih what little I will get with child support and alimony.I dont want to be alone and I do still love my husband. I meant my vows.

He actually has the papers - all filled out - he showed them to me. He is lying about the affair - still denying it. I know if I go file, he will get mean and nasty, even though its what he says he wants. I don't understand why he keeps telling me he is going to file and doesn't do it. That's what brougth me to this.

I dont' want to waste any more years being with a man who says he doesn't love me or want to be with me. Shoudl I file, knowing it will mean huge changes for my children and I - having to move, sell our house, all that stuff.

Or take the easy way out and keep living like this, waiitng for him to do somthing?

He tells me he is miserable and unhappy and it's my fault. He told me I drove him to this.

How do you knwo its really time to give up, to move on? My head is tellign me it is, but my heart is fighting it every stop of the way.

He refuses to talk to me about any of this, anymore. All he says is he can't afford a divorce. Then, goes and does what he wants, with who he wants, when he wants.

Thanks for any advice.

[cat4554]

I wish I could offer you advice but I myself just posted on this site for the first time today. I know what you mean, your heart and head are in a conflict. It is so complicated.
Soon I would have been married 30 years. Been with H 4 years before that. Read my post.
It isn't any easy no matter how old you are. I do feel badly for you since your kids are young. My sons are in their 20's and it is still hard for them. What is sadder, their girlfriends experienced the same thing with their moms. One got divorced the other came back after being away for 8 months. My H has been living on his own for 7 months but he mentally checked out on me years ago.

The only advice I can tell you is to make yourself Happy. Keep a journal on what things in life make you happy. What do you do for yourself that makes you happy - read a book, drink coffee, go for a walk, go on the computer, talk to girlfriends, etc.

Then the best advice I got was to be patient and let time take it's course. We can't control a person or a situation. Let it go.

Yes it does help being on medication. I now take it everyday. Was on every other day but with what would have been my wedding anniversary, then Thanksgiving and Christmas & New Years, it is too over whelming. I am totally alone. Have been since March 20, 2010 but really, as the therapist said, " you have been alone for years. You just had a body in the house."

H and I are friends. We will always love each other but that is where it ends. He really didn't want to reconcile. He wanted it all on his terms. One argument or emotional setback on my end and he was gone. So much for telling me he was going to stay with me forever even when he said he wanted to reconcile.

Good Luck.

[25yearsmlc]

Wow, sorry you are hear. But you are in the right place.

You ask if you should file and change your life for the worse, or "take the easy way out" and stay in the sitch, as if it's easier. I mean, is it?

Obviously you need your financial ducks in a row first. See the lawyer and figure out what's the best case for you and if you can make it, go for it. If your h's departure puts you in a worse situation, then do what you need to do to protect you and your children. Put THEIR needs first for now but realize seeing you happy matters a lot to THEM. If he depletes resources for OW or whatever, how does that help your kids? IOW sometimes filing protects you more financially than letting the spouse make their plans and waster more money AND that's leaving aside the crappy limbo you AND THE KIDS are living with.

As for the rest, the abuse and neglect and cruelty, I think your head is right and I believe where the head goes, the heart eventually follows.
j

[25yearsmlc]

PS

who knows? As you said, maybe filing will wake him up. What you've done so far has now worked. So you know you must do something different But be ready for the possible consequences and don't do this as a bluff. But I think down deep, you already have your answer.

[JinBK]

What 25years said - talk to a lawyer!

If I can afford a lawyer in the most expensive city in the country on my salary, you and your H can afford a lawyer. Actually, you may qualify for Legal Assistance. Look for a service like that in your state. Most of the time they are set up to help women just like you. They will be able to explain your rights.

Protect yourself! Be strong!

[25yearsmlc]

Marie,

I have a strong hunch Your h is making $$ plans and probably already is putting assets aside for his plan to move on. Your fear of what? Being alone? Well that fear is paralyzing you too much, but ironically the ONE thing that might get him to snap out of it, and return to the m, is HIS fear of losing you and the kids, which would only be achieved by you doing something like leaving or filing. He does NOT have that fear yet b/c your neediness and terror of being alone is so great and obvious that you have accepted behavior from him, which your children see & learn from, and it's either designed to get you to leave first or just to hurt you. EIther way IT's contempt he is showing.

Please don't confuse being a doormat with "Standing for a marriage". You can leave, and yet still want and hope for the m, (I have two family members who div and remarried years later and yes the 2nd time around was better).You can GAL and move forward and still harbor a hope for something healthy down the road.
BUt putting up with all this probably endangers your financial future AND the chance for a Good marriage. I say that Unless a L tells you that you will actually be on the streets without this man in the house, I'd surely consider filing for something to protect your assets & your kids & INCREASE his respect for you- because without any boundaries there is no respect, and there can be no love without respect.

Seeing a L does NOT mandate filing anything. Knowledge is power. WHy haven't you at least consulted one? Do so asap and do NOT tell your h. Do not. Later on, depending on what you learn MAY be a time to toss that around but do not bluff....and beware of his temper. Some men and women go nuts at the word "lawyer" so be careful. He sounds so abusive as if he's treating you with such contempt...showing you the papers he filled out was cruel. I think he's resentful that money is stopping him from leaving and I suspect it's mostly true. What else does he say that would indicate otherwise? I mean, does he complain you don't give him enough attention & do you secretly hope that showing you the papers was to get some other reaction from you? IF he said it's only money stopping him, I'd believe him. More importantly, who cares why? It was mean. Other than that, the reason for a "gesture" of this sort seems hollow. I think he means it and so, living with that is bad news.
Good luck!!
j-

[NotFromThesePart]

Marie,

I'm so new at this. But I can tell you, for me, I somehow "just knew" last night. It wasn't a eureka moment, more like a slight tipping of the scales from wanting to save the M to wanting to save myself.

I'm a very analytical person and I've been searching for the formula for weeks. I never found it. I love my W and I would love to reconcile, but for now I'm OK with ending it. Nobody here will fault you for staying as long as you need to. But you are responsible for your own happiness.

I just told this to someone else, but something that helped me a lot is focusing on one goal for now. Not everything. If I tried to solve the whole sitch right now, I'd never be able to get out of bed. I don't have to. Nor do you. One goal. I'd say consult an attorney but it is up to you.

We are here for you and no matter what you do you'll get no judgement here.

Good luck.

[Pensacolabroken]

NFTP,

what was your epiphany?

[marie2235]

Thank you so much - you are all correct. He is very cruel and has no respect or love for me at all. Aside from the fact he is cheating on my with a 20 year old kid that he had the nerve to take around my kids, and tell them not to tell me, he ignores me unless he wants somehing and is refusing to help with my kids medical co pays and other things.

I took a huge step - I saw a lawyer, who told me I have more than enough to prove adulty in court, even though, in my state, which is no fault, it doesn't matter. Maybe it would help wiht alimony.

So, he apparantly checks the cell phone bill, found out who I called and said something to me. I am not going to be a liar like he is, so I did tell him the truth - that I saw a lawyer and I watned to file. He only said, why shoudl you be the one to file when I am the one that wants this? (well, why the heck hasn't he filed? I don't get it)

So - I actually want to be the one to file, so I am trying to gather the info for the lawyer, but I don't have access to his financial stuff - he opened up a PO box months ago. The lawyer said that she can supeonia the bank accounts he opened up wtih the kid he is cheating on me with.

He is also in the process of getting a new job -which he will be starting in the next couple of week, so I kind of want to wait until he ofically starts that, since it's more money.

I have had it - I have been manipulated, emotionally absued adn used. I am so mad. I still am hoping in the future, he will snap out of it and want to try again. But, I need to do soemthing for my own mental heatlh and my kids.

I have my kids seeing a counselor, and he is having a fit about it - they dont' need to see a "shrink" he says - I didn't say that was okay. So, he refuses to help me pay for it.

So..I want to get this done, so he knows I am seroius and not plaing games. If he does it first, it wouldnt have the same impact.

Not from these parts - I am curious, too, about your epiphany.

If anyone has any adive how to deal, moving forward on this path, I would happily accept it.

Thanks again.

[Lostinlife]

I gave up before the 4 month mark. My wife has no respect for me, could care or less if she ever talks to me, etc. You can read my sitch, you'll understand.

I wanted a chance to reconsile, they are so wrapped up in their new lives, they don't even remember us.

Good luck, try and keep your dignity, it's all we got.