well, i was asked to start a new thread since my old thread was getting too long.
so here it goes.
not much development - are you surprised? i am possibly the worst db-er on earth. but i did discover that when i stop doing what works, i fall back into the downward spiral. let that be a lesson to the newbies who are working on themselves.
i stopped working out and playing squash for about 2 weeks. during that time, i fell back into the depression that i experienced at the beginning of the d-bomb drop. with h moving to his new digs and out of the apartment building, the strings were being cut and i felt it. this triggered that spiral down turn. also, the legal matters didn't help.
in about 6 months time, it'll be my turn to move into the neighbourhood where he lives though.
anyway, lesson #2 is that intel information must be used wisely. if there is clear evidence that there is an A going on, then yeah. but if there isn't, keeping tabs on him is a form of control and can leave you paralyzed. it has to stop. (ie. stop doing what doesn't work).
being angry also doesn't help. if you think i've spewed crap on these boards, you don't know the half of it. my family was ready to declare me clinically insane. yes, they are worried about my mental state and i do have to take better care of myself.
during the two weeks that i stopped squash, i lost my appetite and lost another 5 lbs from not eating. my apartment was in disarray as well - i'm usually a neat person but the place was a mess. i just didn't feel like doing anything for two weeks.
hiding from people and not interacting with my friends was what helped me over the summer. when i don't interact with people, i go squirrely.
so tomorrow, i'm going to attend the orientation session for volunteering at the local womens' shelter. i'm used to taking care of someone else - when i lived at home, i took care of my parents. when i lived with my h, i took care of him. now that i am by myself, i have nobody to take care of. i could get a dog or cat but i'm not big on picking up after animals.
i read somewhere that in order to move forward, i have to give back. i've been so focused on my negatives that i don't realize how fortunate that i really am. i blew off the gratitude lists but really, i should have much to be thankful for. regardless of what happens, i'm gonna be just fine. i hate having my heart broken but life goes on. there are people out there with bigger issues than just a broken heart.
i won't be posting here much anymore. i am working on my recovery elsewhere.
i wanted to work on me. and when i'm healed, i'll return to help others out.
both are great cardio workouts. it leaves me feeling good and youthful .. regardless of whether i win or lose.
story ... i love inspiring people to be the best person they can be. everywhere i go, i encourage people to stay active. take up a sport and be active. there's an older gentleman at work who has a bad back due to scoliosis (sp?). he also had poor vision. he had several operations to fix his eye sight. and after hearing me talk about how squash makes me feel alive, it inspired him to play racquet ball again. he hadn't played in years. it makes you feel good and makes you feel young. there is no better feeling than to feel alive.
when someone is down and out, there is a part of them that feels dead. they need to find something to make them feel alive again. being active and taking part in a sport is the best way to get that 'alive' feeling.
i tell people on this board that the best GAL activity is exercise or taking up a sport. sitting a bar and watching football games is fun but that's not going to make someone feel better. you end up drinking beer and eating unhealthy food. gaining weight and then feeling miserable about yourself.
when you exercise, you have energy and you develop muscle tone. you look great. you feel great. people notice and it just snowballs.
not only should we exercise more. help others. inspire others. teach someone something new. give back.
Good stuff D4ML--lots of insight. Honing in on what works and what doesn't work is very important.
Our journeys are interesting, no matter what is happening. Looking back with clarity helps to see that this path is not a horrible one. You may not have wanted it, but you have developed in some really interesting ways.
Volunteering at the shelter sounds awesome. Your problems will pale in comparison. And your developing coping skills will be appreciated. Helping others in areas that you have some knowledge is going to feel amazing.
lauraoh, i'm saddened by the turn of events in your m. you are going through it with a great attitude.
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Good stuff D4ML--lots of insight. Honing in on what works and what doesn't work is very important.
that's just me working on me.
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Looking back with clarity helps to see that this path is not a horrible one. You may not have wanted it, but you have developed in some really interesting ways.
i have started to understand a bit better where i went wrong. from time to time, i still make excuses and shift blame to my mil for being a poor mother.
1. i need to work on my communication skills. i clam up when i'm worried/concerned/unhappy about something. it comes across as shutting someone out.
2. i need to show more compassion. i have never spoke about certain things on this board. but there were times when i discovered my h's "double life" and my reaction made him feel like there was something horribly wrong with him. i should have been more compassionate. instead, i reacted like i thought he was a freak.
3. i need to check my pride at the door. a marriage is a partnership where both of us work together and not against one another. it's not a competition about who wins or loses.
during my time on this board, i actually developed a fourth problem - a very jaded view of marriage. i have read a lot of posts about how a woman needs to feel secure in her marriage - secure in the emotional and financial sense. and it made me cringe. men telling other men that women need to feel financially secure in a relationship - yet, it is the men who turn around and accuse the women of marrying them for their money?
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Helping others in areas that you have some knowledge is going to feel amazing.
i will help if i'm called upon. i want to work on me first.
btw, i did the right thing for my separation agreement. no blood, no guts. just the right thing.
men telling other men that women need to feel financially secure in a relationship - yet, it is the men who turn around and accuse the women of marrying them for their money?
I think it is a huge area of concern for men. They feel? vulnerable? in this area.
You and I are the LB. We brought our own assets into our marriages and yet STILL heard how we married just for money. Our H's PARENTS got involved and said the same thing.
It occurs all over these boards. Again, we are nothing special.
The only thing not all over the boards is your insight into you. Explore that more.
Hey--why are you sad about my sitch?? I am in a pretty good place right now! As I keep telling my depressed H, Hey, if you had made any efforts at all you would have peace right now--that's how it is that I'm happy--I did the work (yes, I did use that phrase!)
men telling other men that women need to feel financially secure in a relationship - yet, it is the men who turn around and accuse the women of marrying them for their money? I think it is a huge area of concern for men. They feel? vulnerable? in this area
whatever it is .. i don't buy it. the vets can preach that but guys will turn around and accuse us of marrying them for their money.
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It occurs all over these boards. Again, we are nothing special.
not that i've read. but that's not say i think i'm unique. i just don't think this happens often. from what i see, the fight is usually over kids. when the fight is over the kids, then you know that both parents are human. they value their relationship with their children. very different mindsets.
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The only thing not all over the boards is your insight into you. Explore that more.
here's a piece of insight that i discovered. it's not about "wanting to teach him a lesson". all this time, i kept saying "i didn't get to say my piece" or "i want to make him realize what the consequences are" and "i want to teach him a lesson to not do this." it isn't about teaching him a lesson.
i found myself actually saying .. i no longer want to be a doormat. i learned what was bothering me. he was controlling the situation and i allowed it. he walked all over me and finally, i said .. enough. and i did.
i need to stop obsessing. it's extremely unattractive and makes me look like a complete crazy woman. really unattractive.
i guess i'm sad about your sitch because i was hoping your sitch would survive. when i read that he had filed, my heart sank.
i know you are in a good place, but you sound like me a few months ago .. where life was great. and now life kinda sucks again but who knows. still lots to think about. i actually want to go away somewhere for a month to truly grieve the end of my marriage.
He filed 2 months ago--Aug 9. I thought you had read that ages ago...
Anyway, he made threats a week ago, and now is "instrospective" which makes me nuts--NOW you want to work on you?? Well, I have moved on..mostly..but the old me loves the DB process and totally believes in it, and is struggling being sucked back in. I think "try this" "do that".lol.
I need to sit and do nothing--the opposite of you.lol. But that's what works sometimes. People who killed themselves trying to win back their H's need to RELAX and HAVE FUN!!lol!
He filed 2 months ago--Aug 9. I thought you had read that ages ago...
seeing the words again was like being hit with a brick. i am always waiting to hear that he decided to retract it.
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I need to sit and do nothing--the opposite of you.lol. But that's what works sometimes. People who killed themselves trying to win back their H's need to RELAX and HAVE FUN!!lol!
i need to focus on me. i need to stop focusing/obsessing over exh. it will be okay. i am bordering obsessed - as my ic told me today.
"men telling other men that women need to feel financially secure in a relationship - yet, it is the men who turn around and accuse the women of marrying them for their money?"
But.. this is what the world tells us. As boys we are taught women need to be "coddled". To a man this is the epitome of what we should do.. "Provide and Protect". Is it not a normal and expected reaction that when things fall apart.. after they have done these things to the best of their ability.. to respond with "she can't "see" anything I have done?" I harp on this so much.. but I will do it again.. It is all about the OP's perspective and the "Emotion" that they are looking at the situation with. If things are not working.. you can get angry.. or frustrated.. or tired of doing things. This sets into motion that person looking back on their life with "colored" glasses. It is not any different that the LBS looking at the situation in front of them.. and acting a fool.. or hiding in the bedroom.. or becoming stuck.
Don't compare the advice given to someone here.. to your "stitch" or thoughts. Even if you have read it all.. there is a possibility that someone has a different perspective. At the end of the day.. you are looking for someone to provide and protect you.. we all are. It may not be money or a home in your "stitch"... but it very well might be in someone else's.
If you believe the information is being passed incorrectly.. or needs more definition.. jump in there and state your case.
Off we go...
"but i did discover that when i stop doing what works, i fall back into the downward spiral. let that be a lesson to the newbies who are working on themselves."
So.. step one is important? Save yourself? How do you explain that to someone that does not want to hear it?
Part of breaking the cycle in a "stitch" relies on the poster taking tiny.. little steps forward. It is the old.. you have to have a solid foundation to build on. I have come to realize that no matter how you say it.. they won't listen. So I distract them with "silly things". I usually come up with little things people can do get their mind off things. Then I watch the "tone" of the posting. Now that you have had your perspective changed.. go back and read your first posts. You might find that you laugh at yourself a bit. DB'ing or any "Save your Marriage" idea will have this basic principle as step one. How many books have been written about this? Why is getting your body and mind straight the FIRST thing you have to do?
I suspect that in doing "that" you change your perspective on the situation.
I could be wrong though.
"anyway, lesson #2 is that intel information must be used wisely. if there is clear evidence that there is an A going on, then yeah. but if there isn't, keeping tabs on him is a form of control and can leave you paralyzed. it has to stop."
Personally.. I would never post to someone that was trying the "hard" approach. In my mind it is thousands of times harder to pull it off. I have seen a few cases where it "worked". "Worked" is subjective in this case. Again.. IMO.. it takes a special person to do it. It requires that you be leaps and bounds above the "normal" poster "here" (DB.com). DB.. does allow for it. It can be effective. Michelle does not spend a lot of time on it though. I believe that if you are going to go the "hard" way.. you have to have a personal mentor that is available at a moments notice. Or just have tons of self control.
I have been here for a while.. not really an old timer yet.. but I am very selective about who I post to. Mostly because I don't have the time I used to.. but mainly because from my perspective you have a chance if you listen.
"i read somewhere that in order to move forward, i have to give back."
Well.. because I know where you read that.. let me just say this.
You can give back every day.. by just being yourself.
If you can wake up.. and put this crap behind you.. smile.. and do your thing.. you are off to an awesome start.
"Looking down" on "someone" does have the effect of making your life look better. It changes your perspective.
What you fail to realize.. is that that person you are "looking down" on.. Got up.. put the crap behind them.. maybe smiled.. and did their thing.
"i won't be posting here much anymore. i am working on my recovery elsewhere."
I am still watching.. truth be told.. I am curious if you get different advice.
"btw, i did the right thing for my separation agreement. no blood, no guts. just the right thing."
It will be interesting to "see" how it pans out. Personally.. I still think you have a chance. But.. if all you do is walk away with your head held high.. I am OK with that.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
