When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[whatisis]

So sorry for your loss, Mish. Let us know how you are when you're up to it. We'll continue to pray for you.

[oldtimer]

(((((((((Mish)))))))))) I am so very sorry for your loss. I know you and Marc loved her well.

[soleil]

Hugs, Mishka. You are in my thoughts & prayers.

[Lotus]

Misha,

I'm sorry for your loss. Your devotion to your mother is very admirable. She was so lucky to have such a loving daughter. (((Misha)))

[Dagny-2]

Mishka,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for you during this very difficult time.

Dagny

[mishka422]

I'll post a little more when I get a little more time. I just wanted to thank you all for all your messages of love and support. You have all become a wonderful lifeline and I appreciate you all more than I could ever say!

Love to you all. I'll catch up with everyone as soon as I can.

Michelle

[kat727]

I wanted to stop by and check on you. I posted on your wall as I couldn't get my iPod to send a message. the battery was low and I was tired, probably human error. I hope you are doing okay. Please know that you can call me if you need to/want to.

Love ya. kat

[mishka422]

Kat - I'll answer your post on FB sometime in the next couple of days between all the holiday craziness!!! LOL Can't do it at work.

The sadness comes in waves but I know it will lessen in time.

After sitting with mom for 2 weeks, waiting for the toxins to build up in her body due to not having dialysis, her death was still horribly painful. Even when you are prepared for it, the finality still shocks your system.

We had some good talks when she was awake enough at the nursing home. On what became her final day I had gotten there at my usual 9am, sat down with my book in one hand and holding her hand with my other. That had become our routine. Her breathing had become very rattling overnight and it was distressing me quite a bit. Gabe had called me to ask if I wanted him to bring me anything. At first I told him no, I knew he had plans in the few hours he had off work and I didn't want to disrupt that, but I really wanted a Pepsi Max (caffeine overload!) so I asked him to bring one. He came and had already done his errands so he decided to sit with me since he saw I was very distressed over her breathing. Her nurse decided it was definitely time to call in hospice so that she could have stronger pain meds and they could reduce the rattling so it wouldn't be so scary to me. The hospice doctor and nurses had just come in and needed me to fill out paperwork to transfer her to their services. I asked Gabe to stay with her while I went with the nurse. I had been in the conference room only about 15 minutes and Gabe called me. He said that I needed to get a doctor or nurse in there ASAP because he thought mom was gone. We ran back to the room, but she had indeed passed.

I was pretty upset at first that she had died in the 15 minutes I had left the room. That I wasn't there for her in those last moments. I quickly realized that this was probably God's saving grace and that if I had been there in those last few minutes I may have lost my mind a little. Gabe didn't know why HE had to be the one to be there but he was glad he was. He loved my mom more than even his own mother. My cousin says that God chose that time specifically. Gabe was honored by God by being the one chosen to be with such a precious life in her last moments. I like her thinking but I'm trying not to attach any real significance to it. I still expect Gabe to run off with no warning.

So, on that subject, you all said (rightly) that it was not the time to examine our strange arrangement. I still won't call it a R. I have no idea what it is and he doesn't want to call it anything. I'm still letting it all slide by me because I'm too stressed over everything else right now to deal with it but I know I'm going to have to face the reality in the near future that this is not how I want to live my life. Having him in my life, but not having any definition is hurting me deeply. I know in my heart that I love him. I always will. I just can't live on this knife's edge waiting for him to get sick of me an walk away again. Last night I completely lost my control after he came back from work. I had plugged my phone in and it was on vibrate. I was sitting less than 5 feet from it so I should have heard it vibrate but apparently Gabe had called me a couple of times and texted me 5 times to tell me he was on his way back and to ask me if I needed anything. He came in the door and the first words he said were, "What? Do you not want to talk to me?" He said it with a tone of anger that I hadn't heard from him since he had moved in. It sent me spinning back to when he left me. I was very emotional last night so when he said that I felt myself start to cower. I felt my stomach tighten and I felt sick and scared. It was all those horrible feelings again in the span of 2 minutes. I explained about the phone, apologized and then withdrew quickly. He quickly picked up that I was upset and asked what was wrong. I told him I had a tough day and proceeded to cry my heart out. Instead of running the other way like he always used to, he came to me and held me while I cried. That went on for about 10 minutes until I finally calmed myself down and I felt compelled to apoloize about the phone again. He seemed surprised that I would apologize again. He said he wasn't angry with me, he was just worried that something had happened when I didn't answer him. Of course, coming in the house asking me if I just didn't want to talk to him probably wasn't the best approach, but he is a man....WTH can I expect? UGH!

So, all in all, I'm plugging along. I'll deal with one thing at a time and try not to overwhelm myself with too many things. I promise!

[soleil]

Mish, again I am truly sorry for your loss.

((((Mish)))

You sound like a very strong woman who loved her mother very much. I am sure she was so happy to spend that time with you.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mish, I'm so sorry that you lost your Mom and for Marc too, how is he doing?

I wasnt suprised when you said your Mom passed when you were out of the room, I have heard lots of people say that.. you were the closest person to her, maybe she felt able to let go when you were away from the pain of watching her. My H sat by his Dads bedside for 3 months, his brother came to take over one day and within a few minutes of leaving the room, his Dad passed away. H was naturally upset as you were, but perhaps also a little relieved as it would have been so much harder for him than it was on his brother, as it would have been for you rather than Gabe.

You need some weeks/months to get over your Mums death, so I would say, give yourself time to adjust, enjoy Marc and Gabes company and support and just live in the now a little longer? Its good that you let it out and cried on him for 10 minutes though and no, you really shouldnt apologsie to him so much, you have nothing to apologise for! Perhaps keep reminding yourself of that. He wont like you apologising either. My Mum told me to stop doing it, she said all it does is exacebate THEIR guilt, and you dont want to do that right.

Thinking of you and thanks for posting to me when all this has been going on.
Al xxx